Enough is enough. I’m so fucking over 3D. First, every movie is getting the 3D treatment and now the dimension is coming to the world of video games.
3D birthing video games? I hope you choke on the placenta.
I actually hope this kills a few kids so it can finally go away. I seriously am contemplating forcing some epileptic retarded youngster into playing one of these 3D games to help my cause. Hopefully, he’ll foam at the mouth so hard that he’ll actually choke on his own tongue.
The first question I have is… what will 3D really do for the gaming experience? I know these Call of Duty maggots are going to want this bullshit in droves so they can finally feel fully submersed into their fake little battle zones. Just pathetic.
You want something cooler, assholes? Get off the couch and go outside. IT’S IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION!!
I’m sorry- no one and I repeat, no one… looks cool in 3D glasses. Put 3D glasses on R Patz and none of you idiots would want anything to do with him. Thankfully, Nintendo nerds have the smarts to realize this and they’re trying to perfect a technology on their handheld DS for 3D… without the glasses. Finally, you can have your 3D experience, in your pocket, wherever you go… as your existence becomes completely useless.
I’m not a big gamer. I own a Xbox 360 and have a Xbox Live account but I would never consider myself addicted to the technology. I enjoy a little bit here and there… and on rare occasions I have been known to play a little GTA… for way too long.
The big game these days is the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series and I can understand why. It gives the gaming community the feeling of being a member of an elite commando squad and has an authentic approach to the first person shooter.
I hate every second of it.
First off, these online gamers with the headsets suck. They get together (alone at home) with their core group of friends (losers) and play a mission together… giving each other commands and basically living like an online death squad. The trash talking, name calling, and usual racist banter gets sickening after awhile. You ever want to experience this in all its glory? Play the game online with people you do not know. Once you are shot and killed by a 30-year-old loser in New Jersey (that lives with his mom), and he begins bragging about how awful you are, you will understand where I am coming from.
Back before evil Arabs... there were ducks.
Plus, the damn thing is just way too f’in hard. You take two steps in any direction and you’re killed immediately. A grenade is thrown at you, but you can never see the grenade, and guess what, you are then killed by said grenade. Another thing- it is never clear what the hell you are supposed to be shooting at or what you are supposed to accomplish in the game.
When it’s all said and done, you want to say fuck it, and just go play Duck Hunt on your old Nintendo.
Man… Fuck Spike, Fuck the Video Game Awards, and Fuck all of the nerds that were there thinking they were superstars.
Does Sony own Spike? It sure seemed as if they did with the way all of the POS Playstation games won the awards. I sat through this thing ONLY to see the Halo Reach demo. I have never been in so much pain from uncomfortableness in my life. It was like all of these nerds up in one place thinking that video games are saving the world or that they mean something. Don’t get me wrong, I spend way to much time playing vidja games myself. But I am acutely aware of their importance in real life. They fall somewhere between viral videos and bing.com. They are fun and provide entertainment but if they did not exist the world would go on and people would be more productive.
Let me just take you through the goods and the bads of this thing so you don’t need to watch it. For a full rundown of all of the video game award winners check this out.
The Good Parts.
Only Pimps have a Purple Lightsaber
Video Game premiers. The best things on the whole show were the premiers of the new games. They of course showed the Halo Reach premiere which was pretty bad ass. The only thing even close to the Halo Reach premier was the Star Wars: Force Unleashed 2 premier. Very awesome. UFC Undisputed 2010, Rock Band: Green Day, Batman Arkham Asylum 2, Prince of Persia, and a few other games were also premiered. They were pretty much the only thing that made this bearable.
Bad Ass Presenters. Some of the presenters were cool and funny. Jack Black won for best voice in Brutal Legends and he told the people that made Arkhum Asylum to taste his ass. Literally. The guys from this new Spike show, Blue Mountain State called Tim Tebow a pussy. Mike Tyson threatened to beat up the guidos from Jersey Shore. Samuel “Snakes on a Plane” Jackson was on there talking about the new Star Wars game and he was pretty funny as well.
Thats it. The premiers and a few presenters. Thats it for the good stuff. If you want to get off on how amazing COD Modern Warfare 2 is you will probably love this show.
The Awful parts.
Video Game Studio Winners. When the guys from Assassins Creed won they spoke half English/half French Canadian. Seriously? French Canadian? It was so painful because these two guys were like rubbing each others shoulders on stage like they were all coked out and assuring each other that everything would be alright. These guys were the best example on how serious some people take this. They seemed like since they won they kidnappers were going to give their kid back. They were all sweaty and nervous. No one knew when to clap or anything it was just like quiet and they were like being cut short because they went on forever.
A Snakeskin Suit?
Stevie Wonder was the presenter for best music game. Uhm… He’s fucking blind and last time I checked there were no braille video games so chances are he has never seen or used a video game. What is he doing there? As if we need further proof that he can’t see, he was wearing suit with snakeskin arms. Besides flailing around and messing up his lines he put out an passionate plea to video game studios to make handicap accessible games. How would… I’m not going to even do this. The jokes are too obvious.
All of the real stars feeling awkward. Snoop Dog was on this thing a lot and it was like he almost couldn’t believe he was there. He had to give the stupid presenter speech that wasn’t really funny and pretty awkward. It was the same for everyone. The video game nerds probably wrote these speeches. The type of stuff that’s only funny written down and then only to them. It was like these stars were paid so much money to be here that they couldn’t not go. You could tell how miserable they were. The same thing goes for the hot ass models that were there. These nerds think that if they are even in the same zip code as these models they have a chance. As if the problem was that nerds can’t meet girls, not that they are socially retarded.
The weirdo emo bands. I don’t even know who they were or what they were singing/crying about. Its the same skinny jean wearing, jet black hair having, greasy, whiney bitches singing seemingly the same songs. The one dude was playing his guitar with a bow and it was just awful.
No matter how many showers he takes, he will never look clean.
Let me start out this post by saying I am not generally a big Jack Black fan. He is fat, has greasy hair, and I sometimes think that if I look at him too long I will get gonorrhea of the eyes. To me, he is one of those actor/comedians that doesn’t quite make it to funny all the time. Its like he is just at the cusp of the Make You Laugh Canyon and he doesn’t have enough “it” to jump in. It is almost funny. You are watching one of his movies and he delivers a punchline and you say to yourself “I see why that would be funny, I know that it should be funny, but I just can’t get a laugh to come out.” It almost makes you chuckle but not quite.
With that being said, I recently got the video game Brutal Legend from GameFly on the recommendation of a hard core gamer. It looked really stupid, and I am NOOOOOOT into heavy metal at all. I shit you not though, this game was amazing. I play video games (Xbox 360) quite a bit and I am somewhat of a picky bitch when it comes to what I like and what I don’t like. Oh, some of my favorites? Knights of the Old Republic, Halo 3, Bioshock, Grand Theft Auto, Command and Conquer, Tom Clancy’s End War. I was really surprised that I loved this game so much because it is so not how video games are typically made. It combines so many different types of game play, its really well written and thought out, has lots of big name stars in it, and is really centered on having fun instead of worrying about your health meter, number of lives, or conforming to a specific type of game. In many ways it is a lot like Grand Theft Auto in control and game play but it has multiple other elements too.
The game play, the game play, oh my GOD, the game play. The best thing about this is that on top of its sandbox style gameplay where you can explore the entire map, choose your side quests, and decide when to do missions, it also has a large real time strategy (RTS) component to it. Several times throughout the game you have a “Stage Battle” that switches the game into RTS mode where you collect fans (resources) that allow you to build and command an army of characters, upgrade their status, upgrade your stage, and fight against bosses. The multi-player version of the game is just the stage battles. They have it set up for random matchmaking against other players or against the AI by yourself. You can play with a friend on your team as well against the AI or others. The other different game play feature is that if you complete different side quests you can get fire tributes (Money) to buy upgrades to your weapons, cars, special powers, paint jobs, and other miscellaneous stuff.
The shittiest thing about the game play experience is that like all other games in this genre, the camera determines what direction you go in, and generally speaking, it will decide for itself. If the camera is are looking forward then right is right and left is left. Very simple. But its when you are trying to watch an enemy and move that the ordeal starts. It is IMPOSSIBLE to back up. To fight with someone and back up cannot be done because you have to point the camera in the direction you want to go. So you have to turn around, go as far as you want, and then turn back around to fight your enemy. When you are walking it is not that bad, but when you are driving and not just going forward it is a huge pain in the dick. There is this one part of the game where you have to drive around in a circle to capture this metal beast. You have to control the camera, the steering, and dick with the buttons to release fire from your exhaust. If you don’t have complete control of the camera, it “fixes itself” and then right turns to left and you are going the wrong way. Its manageable but in situations where you have to maneuver it is less than helpful.
Story and Characters
Useless but awesome Cameo by Brian Posehn
You control Eddie Riggs throughout the game who is played by Jack Black. He is a cool death metal roadie that gets sent to another universe (honestly they reference going back in time but that doesn’t make any sense) to try and save the humans there. It is a good story all the way through with solid characters and a ton of cameos.
One of my favorites both in this game and in real life is Brian Posehn, who plays the master hunter. Ozzy Osborne is of course in this and you can actually understand him sans captions. The most appropriate is Tim Curry as the chief villain Doviculus. No one can play an evil snarky bad ass like Tim Curry. All of the cameo characters look like the real life people and the other characters are really well done too.
I’m sure everyone does this, but you know how when you are playing a game and one of the other characters says something stupid, you insert your own dialog?
Your sidekick: “We have to save the Princess!!”
You: “No f*cking shit.”
Or like after you beat a hard boss you flick them off and curse them out? Well one of the things that makes it for me in this game is that Jack Black actually does this as Eddie Riggs it has partially redeemed him in my eyes. He flicks off bosses, throws out the occasional, “What the Fuck?” and makes sarcastic comments to other characters throughout the game.
With the big name stars doing the voice overs, the well written story and dialog, it’s really as if a movie crew made this game instead of a game design studio and is pretty clever all the way through. Rent it or buy it, it is defiantly worth trying.