If you thought New Moon sucked a big asshole then check out this new vampire movie.

The Queen Spoofs New Moon (Perez Hilton)

Funny Shit (A Tight 5)

6 Lifesaving Techniques (Cracked)

Item Description Fail (Fail Blog)

Wake up B*tch!!! You are NOT Juliet!!!

In a relationship, there are many sacrifices. Sometimes you go to a party you want nothing to do with, or maybe you are forced to participate in activities that if your friends saw you participating in they would take photographs and try to blackmail you. Such an activity happened to me over the week, I saw New Moon. The second part of the Twilight saga which has made more money from 16 year old screaming girls than birth control. My girlfriend really enjoys the books and so I was dragged, kicking and screaming, to this crap.

To begin, I am not on Team Edward or Team Jacob. I more belong to Team “I don’t give a rats ass about Bella.” If you don’t know the saga, I will sum it up as such- a werewolf and a vampire are both fighting over the same bad actress. Kristen Stewart is a complete train wreck as the heroine of the story… to such a point that I considered doing heroin to try to enjoy her “performance.” I don’t know what would be the name of her acting style but I think it’s very close to an epileptic fit. She blinks more than a retarded child staring at the sun and her idea of inner suffering is to literally scream in her dreams. I never laughed so hard.

As far as the rest of the film is concerned, I don’t get it. I don’t think I’m supposed to get it. The nice wolf kid Jacob is a swell enough fella who just can’t figure out that he’ll never be THE GUY. The guy being Edward. Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward as James Dean after the accident, is clearly only good at one thing- leaving snail trails at the junior prom. The whole thing is pretty retarded and how the hell was it over 2 hours long? That’s another thing- I must have checked my watch more times than the last time I spoke with my mother on the phone.

All in all, I’d rather see the other disaster movie currently in theaters… 2012.  At least I can laugh at it and not feel like I’m completely wasting my time.

Real life Vampire couples? If they break up... who gets the coffin??

Something I’ve noticed today, more than any other day… is that the most popular horror film genre must be the vampire film.

Honestly? I don’t get it.  My girlfriend is currently on book number 3 of the hugely popular Twilight series, and then there is Vampire Diaries on CW, and Cirque Du Freak is in the theater currently. The next Twilight movie is out in a few weeks and True Blood just finished their second season with record breaking numbers on HBO.  Both the male/female leading couples of Twilight and True Blood are currently real life couples… ?

I know some of you are really into the idea of being a vampire.

Unfortunately, I bet it sucks.

Unless you live in a city like New York or Las Vegas, being a vampire must be pretty boring.  In most places, last call is 2 am, and in some other places it could be as early as midnight. Well, that sucks. You just woke up to wreak havoc on the living and they are all going to bed and you can only go into their home if they invite you.  Plus all activities are closed.  Can’t go to the movies, unless it’s the midnight show, but that crowd is usually way too vocal for me.  What if you were a vampire but you needed something from the store?  Unless you have a 24 hr Super Walmart in your neck of the woods you are going to be SOL.

Here is something I’ve always wondered- does blood type matter?  Can a vampire be allergic to a certain blood type? What if he/she attacks someone with Sickle Cell, does that mean they choke, and does the Heimlich maneuver even apply here?  Also, in the movies… vampires are seen eating things other than people. Garlic is in so many dishes.  You know how hard it would be to go out for dinner and ask for a dish with no garlic in it at all.  Plus is it only the cross that matters or would vampires suffer from the plus sign as well?

Good luck doing your taxes there Nosferatu.

Those werewolves from Twilight could use some fashion advice from these guys…

This is what girls want?

There are a lot of things I don’t mind happening early. Putting out Halloween decorations in August is cool, Santa riding in on November 1st is even tolerable. However, there are just some things that are completely ridiculous releasing so early… for instance:

Twilight: New Moon pre-sale tickets.

Nearly 2 months away from the first showing (on November 19th mind you) several theaters are ALREADY SOLD OUT of tickets for the pre-teen movie about a weird vampire, werewolf, angsty teen love triangle.

I’ll admit it, I’ve waited for several hours for a Star Wars screening and all but buying tickets TWO months in advance is just plain silly. Fandango reports that last week 26% of their sales were for “New Moon” and have prompted theater owners to possibly offer earlier movie times…

I’d love to see the faces of these people who already bought their tickets to be ousted by someone getting to go to an earlier showing…

Fucking Twilight…

“Have you ever seen vampires f*ck?”

I asked this question to a friend the other night while we were drinking at a bar.  This is the kind of banter you can expect in my friend circle after a couple of drinks.  Just replace “vampires” with anything else out of the ordinary, and voila: our typical conversation

But on this particular night, I was shattered when I realized the harsh reality.  These days, everybody has seen vampires f*ck.

Everybody…but me.

It's all the rage

You see, over the last few years, vampire f*cking has become a staple of the entertainment industry.  If you’ve been to the movies, watched cable TV, or walked around your local Hot Topic in recent months, the trend is apparent.  People – and more specifically, teenage girls – love watching vampires get it on.

It’s a modern phenomenon, really.  Vampires are f*cking all over the place.  Twilight, Underworld, True Blood…there’s hot vampire action at every turn.  At this rate, vampires will be given the right to marry before homosexuals.

So clearly, a large percentage of the population has, in fact, seen vampires f*cking.  Normally I’d be thrilled at such a thing.  But really, all I feel is jealously.

I would absolutely love to watch me some vampire porn.  I really would.  Being the one who asked the question in the first place, my mind is obviously open to the concept.

But in order to watch vampires f*ck, Read more »

Alright all you Twilighters here is the NEWLY LEAKED EXTENDED New Moon trailer. Enjoy!!!

If only life was like it is in the movies…

Grab Some Hater-Aid (Rob My World)

Exactly Why You Don’t Tease A Horse (Next Round)

The Hater (AV Club)

Swine Flu iPhone App (The Daily Blonde)