You'll get so drunk that you'll puke pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers...

There are a few of you that have read the title to this hate with the assumption that I can’t stand Irish people or Irish pride. This is very far from the truth. I love corned beef and cabbage as much as the next guy and nothing is more enjoyable than a perfectly made Guinness. I just hate the actual day of St. Patrick’s because it forgets anything about Irish pride and sums it all up as get drunk and have green things on you.

Before I reached the age of reason, I enjoyed going out on St. Pats and heading to the city. The funny part is I used to go every year and I would never actually make it to the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

In fact, come to think of it, I have yet to have ever seen a live parade in my life. We would always wind up at some bar that was blocks and blocks away from the actual parade… because all the places near the parade were too packed and the cover charges were totally insane.

It is the one day of the year that bars have cover charges on a Tuesday afternoon and decide that 10 dollars for a Guinness is a perfectly acceptable price. Everyone is drunk, fights are breaking out, and people are making out in the street, and it’s not even noon yet!

It’s like New Years, but at least with New Years… midnight happens and everyone sooner or later goes home. With St. Pats, it just never ends. It’s 3pm and people are getting crazier and drunker and bars don’t cut people off until they actually die on the pool table. Plus, there is green shit EVERYWHERE.

Also, I don’t own green clothing for a reason, but yet you are always required to wear green, so you wind up wearing the worst shirt in your wardrobe simply because it has a green stripe on it. Can’t we just celebrate Irish pride by listening to U2 and having a corned beef sandwich? FYI, green food will equal green puke, every time.

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