The BEST way to break up with someone…

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Hey guys… Don’t let Facebook mess up your relationship.

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It’s midnight. Your best friend and his girlfriend are hanging out with you at the bar. They’ve been bickering all night about the guy she hooked up with before they got back together. Other Dude is not even in the same state anymore but your buddy just can’t let it go. She did start it, though—by making some snide reference to the other guy at a point when your friend’s confidence was just starting to grow legs. Finally, the cacophony of the bar seems to crest and fall silent just in time for her to say:

“He had a huge dick alright?!”

The Birth of Damaged Goods

Holy shit. You look around. Time stands still and everyone in the blast radius is picking proverbial shrapnel out of their ass. You can see your friend’s teeth clenching but you know he could go the other way and just cry like a little bitch. You can’t even describe what comes out of his mouth. It’s not even sputtering. It’s more of a whining gag noise like when you swallow a bug. You almost laugh because it reminds you of that scene in Ace Ventura. But you don’t, because the room is so tense you’re f*cking swimming through air. The second she said it, everyone’s mind flashed and the Token Loudmouth pipes up, “Dayum!”

Her arms are crossed with a smug grin as she  awaits applaud. There’s none.

And…close curtain. Nobody expects them to stay together. They might as well start looking for other places to live because who wants to hook up with a girl that got poled by Peter North. Jesus… she may have just turned your friend into the next George Sodini. Don’t go to the gym next week, you think, trying to remember if he has any guns.

If only Lisa Turtle knew... Screech would have turned her out like a ho fo sho.

A few months pass by and your buddy is still in rehab. He’s starting to regain color but it’s not looking bright. He’s developed an addiction to mommy blogs.

After that you see his ex walking down the street with Dustin Diamond.  You get his autograph and take a picture of them for your blog. You don’t post the photo because your friend has internet access in rehab and he might open up on you someday. You decide to upload the photo through your other friend’s computer and post it on his blog instead. That guy was kind of a douche, anyway.

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