"Look son, soon daddy can watch his porn in 3D too!"

I know I have frequently written about the 3D hysteria that has swept across our Cineplexes in the past months… but this shit takes the cake.

It seems that every fucking movie has come out with every excuse under the sun to be presented in 3D. In fact, I saw Precious in the theater and thought it was in 3D but it turns out she was just fat.

Now, because of Avatar and Alice in Wonderland and all the money that 3D has generated for film, television wants to jump on the bandwagon too.

This week, the NY Rangers decided to hold a hockey game in the third dimension and missing teeth have never looked so glorious. I’m kidding by the way. I did not watch the game mainly because I will not put on 3D glasses in my own home. I look like enough of a retard in my comfy pants and Yankees hoodie, I don’t need to add 3D glasses to the mix. I know my girlfriend would leave me.

You know, the worst part is, if this 3D sensation does work for the home market, it will only take a few minutes for the porn industry to jump on in there as well. Hell, I think they’re already working on it. I just can’t wait for the next auto-erotic choke yourself victim to be discovered wearing gay 3D glasses.

Nope- that's not 3D. She really is just THAT fat.

Another reason this 3D TV shit exists is because these flat screen TVs don’t need to be purchased every 3-5 years like the older sets did. So these 3D screens are a great way to get the rich people of America to spend another 2-3 grand on a new set that they will really never need. Also, how much programming could possibly even exist in 3D?

I just pray that Fox News doesn’t make any attempt at this shit, because I will send them a bill for a brand new television. That is once I take a swing at Glenn Beck and wind up putting a hole in my flat screen where his stupid third dimensional face was.

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Someone find us the manufacturer for that chair. It looks hella sturdy.

First off, do not take this article as thinking I’m simply hating on someone for being overweight. I, like you, get easily disgusted by the morbidly obese.

What I can’t stand is when the really obese person is doing absolutely nothing to change their life. I have said this for years. I may be overweight by the classic definition but I don’t do FAT people kind of shit.

What does that mean you ask? If you go out for a seafood dinner and require more butter in ounces than actual seafood, that is a fat person kind of move.

Well, I have officially been disgusted to a point that I am actually offended and really hope someone, somewhere, does us all a favor and pushes this individual into a bus. But not really, because the bus might not be able to take the impact and could affect more lives in the process.

"I thought her pussy stank... it turned out to be a Filet-O-Fish... with fries."

Donna Simpson, from Old Bridge New Jersey, already holds a fat record. She is the fattest woman to ever give birth. I wonder if her daughter is named Precious. This hot mess of a slob also has her very own food eating fetish website. GROSS. Anyway, Donna has decided in her trans fat influenced head that she wants to be 1,000 pounds.

Well, I guess it’s nice to have goals. To want to have heart disease, diabetes, respiratory problems, high blood pressure, cankles, high cholesterol, stretch marks, and an impossible to find vagina, I guess you really are shooting for the stars. Or maybe it was just the star on the Carl’s Jr. logo.

This is disgusting on so many levels. First, this is a world where people are starving and we donate food in cans every chance we get. The fact that this person can even attempt this goal bothers the hell out of me.

Also, there are people who are overweight, and it really is not their fault. For some people they are caught in weight issues from their childhood and are fighting with them well into their adult lives. When someone this useless decides to want a goal like this, we as decent people have to do something.

I say we block this woman from leaving her house and only feed her carrots. It would be like a fat rabbit stuck in its cage. I think we should get Jillian Michaels up there, get her on The Biggest Loser, and kill her in the first week. God I love that show.

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