She puts the 'Meth' into Method Acting

A few months ago, HBH documented Jared Allen’s juicy mullet.  Despite our fantastic analysis of Allen’s mane, we neglected one of the gnarliest mullets in the game: the one belonging to Kristen Stewart.  Stewart’s river cut is equally as nauseating, though less gratifying, than Allen’s.  Nevertheless, Kristen Stewart’s mullet is in dire need of some quality hating.

To not know who Kristen Stewart is would mean that you have been either living under or smoking rock for the past two years.  If you fall into this fine category then we would like to inform you that America has a black President and also that Kristen Stewart is an actress most famous for her role in the Twilight films, an embarrassingly popular series that documents the lives of teenage vampires or something.

Stewart also stars as Joan Jett in the new film The Runaways, which hits wide release this weekend.  For her role as Jett, Stewart grew a terrifyingly gross mullet, which checks in somewhere between John Stamos and a meth addict on the mullet grading scale.

Kristen Stewart is so Metal

If you recall, our ode to Allen’s mullet was fueled by the fact that he lives the disgusting life that his mullet advertises.  Stewart, on the other hand, is just another hipster douche bag with an ironic mullet.  What is most infuriating about Stewart is that she chooses to represent herself as a skeezer homeless hippie when in reality she makes more than enough money to take daily showers and fund a substantial coke addiction.  It is almost as if she is trying to fool everyone into believing that her lifestyle is that of a bass player in a nineteen-eighties hair band; when we all know that she is just another rich child actor. What do you think?  Sound off below and tell us what you hate about Kristen Stewart.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Let’s face it: the douche bag market is saturated with ironic mullets.  The hair cut once reserved for your Camaro driving older brother and creepy uncle from West Virginia is now the go-to style for trendy scenesters and metropolitan douchers.  So when most people gaze upon the shit-brown locks of Jared Allen, they often assume it’s just another attempt to be trendy and clever.

But, how wrong that assumption is.

The Holy Trinity: Mullet, Cowboy Hat, and 'Stache

Jared Allen is white trash.  And he cherishes it.  Allen, the two time pro-bowl Defensive End for the Minnesota Vikings, truly lives the life that his curly neck warmer advertises.  For starters, Jared earns his paycheck on the gridiron, the fourth manliest profession on planet earth (behind only Lumberjacks, Crab Fishermen, and Blog Writers).  Second, he takes pictures with bears.  And not just regular pictures with bears like you and I would do.  No, Jared Allen steps that shit up and put his fingers in their mouths.  Because what bear would bite a guy with a mullet, right?

Oh, and lest we forget, Jared Allen has a few DUI’s under his belt too.  In true white trash fashion, Allen has found his way behind the wheel on multiple occasions after pounding back a couple brews. Because that is what guys with real mullets do.

Heavenly Mullet

Could you imagine if one of those fashion mullet scenesters tried to live up to this true mullet lifestyle?  They couldn’t come close, because they’re only experience with bears are those of the other variety.  And everyone knows that you can’t get drunk enough off wine coolers to reach DUI territory.  So if you must hate, we demand that you not hate on those like Allen with proper mullets.  But instead, direct your fiery dislike to all the posers out there trying to represent the rough and tumble lifestyle personified by the likes of Jared Allen and Kenny Powers.

Popularity: 2% [?]