The man hasn’t even been in the grave for a solid year yet… but he must be rolling over the Elephant Man’s bones by now.

Will "Black or White" be featured on the video game? And we don't mean the song...

A Michael Jackson video game is in development where players will sing their favorite songs and also dance his signature moves. It’s called Molested Child Junkie Hero. Let’s just say I’ve always been looking for a reason to grab my crotch in the living room and not have to hear any shit about it.

I really hope the game forces me to have a fake relationship with a has-been celebrity like Corey Feldman. And how fun would it be to dangle a helpless baby using my Wii balance board?

The game will cover his entire career so we can revisit the days of the Jackson 5. With all the capabilities of the Wii motion control, trying to dodge the beatings from Joe Jackson should feel surreal. Hell, with 3D soon to come to all video game platforms there should just be a Joe Jackson Punch-Out.

Does the game come with a never-ending prescription pad with his doctor’s signature on each one? Will the game also incorporate the Dance Dance Revolution pad? When the dancing ends does blanket snuggling begin?

I’m just worried that kids are going to start copying what they see in the video game and a skin bleaching problem will sweep across the nation and everyone will start owning their own chimp.

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She'd probably have better luck trying to say that MJ was the father of her latest litter. Or renting out her vadge as a funhouse.

If I wanted to watch someone throw a hot dog down a hallway… I would watch someone throw a hot dog down a hallway. Not watch a porn starring Nadya Suleman.

Octomom has been so busy appearing in interviews all over television and working out… that she totally forgot she should actually just be…

WORKING.

But seeing as how she let that one little detail fall to the wayside she is now facing having her home foreclosed upon. That’s where Steven Hirsch, the President of Pornolicious Vivid Entertainment, comes into play. Apparently, Hirsch would like to see something that no one in their right fucking minds would EVER want to see. He wants her to make a porn. He has offered to pay off the remaining balance due on Octomom’s home ($460,000) if she is willing to take it laying down.

"I'll make you a deal... two for the price of one!"

Octopussy only has until the end of the day Tuesday to come up with the cash or her 14 illegitimate children will be out on the streets. Now, I guess my real question is, “Who the hell would want to see her clown car of a stretched pussy?” Or better yet- why doesn’t he just take his camera and drive through the Holland Tunnel?

Well, if it does get made you know the film will only consist of naked dudes crawling completely inside and out of her for 90 minutes.

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Save for one thing, 2009 might have been the lamest year of all time.

That one thing is Avatar, and it’s sweet jungle alien love.  Sweet, sweet alien love.

But besides that, how do we remember 2009?  The people who died?  The celebrity scandals?  The political…blah?

In more ways than one, 2009 should be considered a step backwards.  The major stories that we enter 2010 with are disappointments, tragedies, and unmet expectations.  Susan Boyle had the top selling album of the year.  Transformers 2 was the top grossing movie of the year.

Yes, really.

Mediocre taste has become somewhat of a pandemic, drawing precious money and attention away from the worthwhile.  Ironically, this is only the second lamest pandemic that struck in 2009.  Number one, of course, is the swine flu.

Rest in peace, MJ. You haven't missed much.

Barack Obama, who ended 2008 as the barer of hope, is now the most unexciting president since James K. Polk.  The unintentional rhyme of that sentence might actually be more interesting than Barack Obama’s presidency.

Twilight fever was never declared a pandemic.  In reality, though, it may have ended more lives than the swine flu.  New Moon bested The Dark Knight for the biggest opening weekend in box office history.  Vampires are all the rage when – really – vampires are about as cool as a stake to the eyes.

2009 will also be remembered for Michael Jackson and Tiger Woods, but for all the wrong reasons.  I imagine a good year is when the best performer releases a masterpiece, or when the best athlete destroys his competition.  A bad year, then, is when the immortal ones turn out to be just as f*cked as the rest of us.

2009 was that year.

2009 in a nutshell. Er...cardboard box.

It must be said, though, that every dark cloud has a silver lining.  As to what exactly 2009’s silver lining is – I couldn’t tell you.  Avatar?  Funnel Cake Sticks at Burger King?  Health care reform?  It’s anyone’s guess.

All I know is that 2009 left me with a bad taste in my mouth.  And it’s going to take more than Funnel Cake Sticks to fix that.

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Things that make you go hmm.

Michael Jackson, America’s favorite dead junkie

… has released a new song.

I love it when a performer dies and then all of their stuff that wasn’t good enough to be released while they were alive all of the sudden is released not too far after they stop breathing. The song, entitled This Is It, is now controversial because of the fact that the song is not new and it’s also not entirely written by Jackson.  The original version, title I Never Heard, has been collecting more dust than the elephant man’s bones.  Which begs the question, shouldn’t the song really be named, This Was It?

The song was officially released for that wonderful $1.29 price on Itunes, and immediately afterward the floodgates of plagiarism opened.  Turns out the original writer Paul Anka and original singer Sapphire are still alive and well and would love to know why Michael Jackson is selling their material under his own name.  The estate of Jackson never did any research to see if the song was original or not and now have to split the profits 50/50 with the original artists.  These profits will include, the sure to be awful film coming out soon also entitled, This Is It.

Does THIS look like a man that would molest little boys?

Am I the only one kind of happy that Jackson’s last act is that of plagiarism?  I don’t know, I never understood the love affair the world had for a full-blown drug addict weirdo.  He paid $20 million in hush money to that one kid, he openly talked about having children in his bed, and he named his home Neverland Ranch.  He was begging for sleep aids that when normal people take them is right before having surgery.  Now, let’s be honest for a moment, before Jackson’s death, when was the last time you heard Billy Jean pumping from someone’s speakers? Yep, 1983.  Now, if he had died, before all the weird stuff happened, I would have purchased the commemorative plate or maybe still have a Captain Eo coffee mug but unfortunately the next 25 years took place.

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This b*tch obviously has a Michael Jackson complex!

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Quiet Abuse (The Onion)

Why MJ Shouldn’t Come Back (Sarah Tiana)

Bunnies Can’t Hump (Urlesque)

Don’t Lose It To This (Funkjelly)

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