Honey, it's not just BritBrit that needs a bra...

Dear Perez,

First off, I love the title of your blog- Celebrity Juice, Not from TMZ Concentrate. I am a fellow blogger and I just had a few questions that I wanted to ask you. I know that you are considered to be a significant hypocritical influence in the celebrity gossip world and I find so many things about this rather intriguing.

For one, with you being someone that bashes every single actor and actress in regards to what they wear on the red carpet… why, oh why, do you dress like a member of In Living Color?

Anyhoo. You posted an article a few weeks back on your Coco Perez website about plus-sized models and how they’re too fat to effectively sell merchandise in magazines and ad campaigns because… oh shit, that reminds me. I loved your rants defending that orca from Precious and her womanly curves and you’re totally right, that “Mushy Farton” really is such a heffer!

I’ve always been amazed at your love for that homewrecker Angelina Jolie. Just because she slept with a married Brad Pitt years ago doesn’t make it “sooooo 2005.” Adopting children the way that people adopt puppies does not make Angie a saint and does little to no good in proving your point of what a man Jennifer “Maniston” is. Just because Aniston, aka Brad’s ex-wife, doesn’t feel like toting around a bunch of multicultural bastard children does NOT make her any less of a woman.

Speaking of women that look like men… how’s your wifey GaGa doing? Oh, and your “princess” Rihanna? We understand your undying love for GaGa considering she has a dick and all her music is consistently at the top of the charts but what’s your deal with “RiRi?” Maybe you can explain why you would ever want to post humiliating nude photos of your princess on your crap blog shortly after her douchebag ex boyfriend “Chris BeatHerDown” brutally bludgeoned her over a text message.

As for your distaste of Kristen Stewart and VaneXXXa Hudgens… please understand a few things, fatty. You can stop bashing these unfortunately accomplished actresses just because their boyfriends won’t fuck you. Not everyone is into dick… especially YOUR fat talentless shriveled schlong. So give it a rest and realize that the closest you’re ever going to get to “P-Ratz” and “Zacquisha” is when you catch a whiff of their fart as they pass your fat ass on the red carpet at the Teen Choice Awards.

On that note- one more thing… No one gives a fuck about your shittastic taste in music. If I wanted to hear crap that should never see the light of day I would plug my headphones into the toilet.

Disrespectfully yours,

CareBear

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Jessica Simpson is a natural beauty

Some things in life are just easy- like sorority girls, using a Mac, and hating on Jessica Simpson.

Recent events, however, have made us rethink hating on Simpson.  If you follow popular culture (see: have no life) then you may remember that Jessica Simpson had recently ballooned to the size of John Candy.  After coming off the eat-everything-in-fucking-sight diet, Simpson has returned to her more bone-able shape.  In addition, Simpson began a television show called The Price of Beauty where she travels across the globe to examine the attractive traits that women in different cultures share, like sandwich making abilities.

A recent magazine interview and photo shoot, however, has garnered even more attention for the idiot savant as she broke all conventions and did the shoot without make up or digital retouching.  What follows, then, is very surprising.  Jessica Simpson is still really fuckable.  That’s right, even without Photoshop, we would still advise someone to pork Jessica Simpson.  We can’t say that about most females, celebrities included.

Sure, Jessica Simpson is still the ditzy broad from the chicken of the sea fiasco.  And sure she says outrageous things.  But that isn’t a problem that can’t be solved, right?  So let’s just be glad that it was Simpson who decided to do this photo shoot and not another damn celebrity.  Could you think of Lady Gaga doing this?

Lady Gaga is a Natural Monster

We aren’t even certain that Lady Gaga is a woman, but imagine the hideousness that would ensue if she took off whatever mask and make up she wears? Our estimates project that the destruction caused by her real face would clock in somewhere between Hiroshima and the Cloverfield monster, in terms of damage done to humanity.  Her music is already the source of unending pain and suffering, just imagine if we saw her true face.  Terrifying.

Lucky for us, that should not be the case.  What is, though, is that Jessica Simpson is still spank bank material even without make up.  And you can’t hate on that.

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Well, perhaps if you don’t like Lady GaGa then you might like this video.

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Christopher Walken does Lady Gaga…

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