I know that the MTV Movie Awards aren’t exactly the Oscars… even the Razzies have more street cred than this shitshow but what gives? The rabid Twilight fans helped New Moon sweep an award show that included a segment where J-Lo dances with a make-up enhanced, overweight, bald Tom Cruise and I couldn’t tell who was who.
"Damn, Kristen... and I thought werewolves smelled like shit."
As much as I loved the books, I really think that these Twilight movies are nothing but massive piles of shit and New Moon reached a level of awfulness that I didn’t think was achievable. What the hell are you “tweens” thinking when voting for Best Female Performance? This Kristen Stewart bitch does not know how to act. Not just as an actress. She can not even “act” like a functional human being.
Prime example: her acceptance speech for “Best Kiss” at the MTV Movie Awards:
First off, the twat nearly falls on her face simply standing up from her seat. She has a hard time with basic motor skills and then the mouth opens and nothing but gold flies out! What is up with her God-awful awkwardness and her blatant panic attack that she’s about to have on stage? She says, “it takes a lot of smoke and mirrors to make us look good kissing.” Honey, there are not enough smoke or mirrors in the world to make your acting look good so who gives a shit about kissing?
Seriously, someone give Tay-Tay and the pale glittery kid some Oscars quick. I didn’t realize pretending to care about this rapidly blinking hot mess for 2 1/2 hours commanded so much technique. Now, I do.
A few months ago, HBH documented Jared Allen’s juicy mullet. Despite our fantastic analysis of Allen’s mane, we neglected one of the gnarliest mullets in the game: the one belonging to Kristen Stewart. Stewart’s river cut is equally as nauseating, though less gratifying, than Allen’s. Nevertheless, Kristen Stewart’s mullet is in dire need of some quality hating.
To not know who Kristen Stewart is would mean that you have been either living under or smoking rock for the past two years. If you fall into this fine category then we would like to inform you that America has a black President and also that Kristen Stewart is an actress most famous for her role in the Twilight films, an embarrassingly popular series that documents the lives of teenage vampires or something.
Stewart also stars as Joan Jett in the new film The Runaways, which hits wide release this weekend. For her role as Jett, Stewart grew a terrifyingly gross mullet, which checks in somewhere between John Stamos and a meth addict on the mullet grading scale.
Kristen Stewart is so Metal
If you recall, our ode to Allen’s mullet was fueled by the fact that he lives the disgusting life that his mullet advertises. Stewart, on the other hand, is just another hipster douche bag with an ironic mullet. What is most infuriating about Stewart is that she chooses to represent herself as a skeezer homeless hippie when in reality she makes more than enough money to take daily showers and fund a substantial coke addiction. It is almost as if she is trying to fool everyone into believing that her lifestyle is that of a bass player in a nineteen-eighties hair band; when we all know that she is just another rich child actor. What do you think? Sound off below and tell us what you hate about Kristen Stewart.
In a relationship, there are many sacrifices. Sometimes you go to a party you want nothing to do with, or maybe you are forced to participate in activities that if your friends saw you participating in they would take photographs and try to blackmail you. Such an activity happened to me over the week, I saw New Moon. The second part of the Twilight saga which has made more money from 16 year old screaming girls than birth control. My girlfriend really enjoys the books and so I was dragged, kicking and screaming, to this crap.
To begin, I am not on Team Edward or Team Jacob. I more belong to Team “I don’t give a rats ass about Bella.” If you don’t know the saga, I will sum it up as such- a werewolf and a vampire are both fighting over the same bad actress. Kristen Stewart is a complete train wreck as the heroine of the story… to such a point that I considered doing heroin to try to enjoy her “performance.” I don’t know what would be the name of her acting style but I think it’s very close to an epileptic fit. She blinks more than a retarded child staring at the sun and her idea of inner suffering is to literally scream in her dreams. I never laughed so hard.
As far as the rest of the film is concerned, I don’t get it. I don’t think I’m supposed to get it. The nice wolf kid Jacob is a swell enough fella who just can’t figure out that he’ll never be THE GUY. The guy being Edward. Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward as James Dean after the accident, is clearly only good at one thing- leaving snail trails at the junior prom. The whole thing is pretty retarded and how the hell was it over 2 hours long? That’s another thing- I must have checked my watch more times than the last time I spoke with my mother on the phone.
All in all, I’d rather see the other disaster movie currently in theaters… 2012. At least I can laugh at it and not feel like I’m completely wasting my time.