A long time ago, a wholesome family’s idea of a good time was sending out Christmas cards with a picture of any kids, babies, or dogs in the family to every address in their address book.  This would be accompanied by a wholesome, unthreatening message such as “Happy Holidays from the entire Jefferson Family!”  They contained enough prepackaged sentiment to kill an ox.

That was bad enough.

Nowadays, these families have taken to the streets in a very literal way.  It was not enough for their friends, relatives, and coworkers to have the perfection that is the Jefferson family rubbed in their faces every holiday season.  Now, they need everyone to know about them.  How cute they are.  How perfect.  How f*cking precious they are.

So naturally, a bumper sticker was the next step.

Look! Aren't we perfect?

By this point, you had to have seen at least a thousand of these bumper sticks during your many hours a day out driving the streets.  They are hard to miss.  They reek so violently of wholesomeness that they are impossible to ignore.  Their stench seeps through your car’s air-conditioner like a noxious gas planted inside your engine.  It almost seems that their goal is to make you crash into the back of them at an intersection, just so they can get out and show you how kind and understanding they can be in a wake of a car accident.  Only then will they be fulfilled in their life’s mission to be more perfect than the next perfect family.

Stop me if this is sounding negative.  I just hate these bumper stickers.  And if you are a consistent visitor to this site, you likely hate them as well.  To the less-than-perfect population, they are just so damn hateable.  They are like a middle finger to the drivers and passengers on the road that do not have a spouse who loves them, good-looking kids, and a dog or cat that doesn’t shit on the carpet every day.  You know – the rest of us.

I’ve never been a fan of bumper stickers in general.  But these take the cake.  Then they decorate that cake with a perfect ribbon of the very sweetest frosting, and smother its exterior with Funfetti.  The people who don these bumper stickers wouldn’t eat a cake that was any less perfect.

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There’s a thin line between cute and pathetic.  Toddlers – well, they just don’t pull their weight.  IMO.

Grow up, already

After birth, you have approximately two years of pure, unrelenting cuteness.  The “baby phase.”  For this time period, you are equal parts innocent and helpless.  You might gnaw on the fingers of others, but only because you are unaware of a better option.  You will indeed crap yourself, and you will indeed be forgiven every single time.  Newborns have the gift of charm and they don’t even know it.  They are truly powerful beings.

Yet something peculiar happens around age 2.  The charm just…disappears.  Dish soap becomes poison.  Crayons become tools of vandalism.  Cries become weapons of deception.

At this age, a baby becomes human.  And it’s all very sad. Read more »

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Jason Statham better watch his back otherwise he might find his was to the unemployment line.

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