Jesus Is A Dick (Buzz Feed)
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I am not a religious person, but please do not take this blog as a hate of Christ rising or anything. I am more hating on this whole Easter tradition that has nothing to do with the actual holiday.
There are many questions I have always had in regards to that entire weekend. Jesus gets the shit beat out of him and nailed to a cross and it’s known as Good Friday, then he raises to the heavens on the following Sunday and we hide eggs?
I also want to know why the hell are those marshmallow chickens considered Easter fare? Also, that Cadbury bunny with his smug expression… what’s his deal? Why are the beginning stages of the onset of diabetes brought together with Easter weekend?
Also, the whole Easter bonnet thing and eating a big roast? It’s like you go 40 days without one vice in your life and then at the conclusion of the 40 days you can have the biggest damn piece of meat you can find and then wear a stupid hat?
I hate hiding eggs. It’s pointless fun. Because you can never REALLY hide the eggs- there are children trying to find them. It’s not like you can bury the eggs in the backyard or hide them in the dildo drawer in the bedroom. I would like to try to really cause havoc in the house by declaring,”Kids there is one egg in the house… it’s painted blue and you have one minute to find it or the bunny dies.”
If Minute to Win It takes this idea I’m suing for a million.
Last Thursday I went to Target and got my tree, lights, and blah blah blah. Everything was in stock. Huge selection. No problems. So I went again to get more lights for my balcony on Sunday, and this time it was like looking for canned goods after nuclear winter. I shit you not. There were like maybe 3 boxes left of the hundreds upon hundreds that were there the other day.
So I ask the emo kid there what the deal is. Now, let me preface this by telling you that this kid had jet black hair, faux hawk, skinny pants, an eyebrow ring, and a snarky ass attitude.
So I say to the guy, “What’s the deal with the lights? There is like nothing left. Was there some kind of sale or something?“
So this little fucker sits there for a second like a dear caught in headlights and sorta stares at me like I’m crazy, and then says, “Uhhhh… its two and a half weeks from Christmas and people have bought them all.” As if I am buying lights on Christmas Eve or something.
Now let me tell you that everything else in the department was fully in stock. Literally, everything else was in stock. It wasn’t like there were some lights gone, but there was like light crumbs laying around. As if the eyebrow ring alone wasn’t enough to set this kid on fire, I ask him if he can scan the shit and tell me if there is anything at any of the other stores, and he is just like, “They’re not going to have any either.”
I was so shocked by what a little smart ass dick he was, I didn’t even have my wits about me to respond. What I should have said was, “Uhh… Maybe you guys didn’t order enough fucking lights, and if I’m that fucking late getting my decorations up, why is everything else in stock?” But alas I didn’t. Somewhat anticlimactically, we went and bought lights at Walmart where the lights were plentiful.
My display is now a glorious celebration to the baby Jesus. But the whole point is fuck that kid