Let’s face it: the douche bag market is saturated with ironic mullets.  The hair cut once reserved for your Camaro driving older brother and creepy uncle from West Virginia is now the go-to style for trendy scenesters and metropolitan douchers.  So when most people gaze upon the shit-brown locks of Jared Allen, they often assume it’s just another attempt to be trendy and clever.

But, how wrong that assumption is.

The Holy Trinity: Mullet, Cowboy Hat, and 'Stache

Jared Allen is white trash.  And he cherishes it.  Allen, the two time pro-bowl Defensive End for the Minnesota Vikings, truly lives the life that his curly neck warmer advertises.  For starters, Jared earns his paycheck on the gridiron, the fourth manliest profession on planet earth (behind only Lumberjacks, Crab Fishermen, and Blog Writers).  Second, he takes pictures with bears.  And not just regular pictures with bears like you and I would do.  No, Jared Allen steps that shit up and put his fingers in their mouths.  Because what bear would bite a guy with a mullet, right?

Oh, and lest we forget, Jared Allen has a few DUI’s under his belt too.  In true white trash fashion, Allen has found his way behind the wheel on multiple occasions after pounding back a couple brews. Because that is what guys with real mullets do.

Heavenly Mullet

Could you imagine if one of those fashion mullet scenesters tried to live up to this true mullet lifestyle?  They couldn’t come close, because they’re only experience with bears are those of the other variety.  And everyone knows that you can’t get drunk enough off wine coolers to reach DUI territory.  So if you must hate, we demand that you not hate on those like Allen with proper mullets.  But instead, direct your fiery dislike to all the posers out there trying to represent the rough and tumble lifestyle personified by the likes of Jared Allen and Kenny Powers.

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