Now, today is the day that I'd contemplate going postal in my local mall...

So it’s the day after Christmas. You are suffering from mild indigestion thanks to a few too many pieces of ham and a few too many glasses of eggnog, which of course were easy on the egg and heavy on the nog. Everyone has the day off and you can’t stand the site of another basketball game.

So you do what every other person in the free world does… you go to the mall.  The mall of course has more people currently in it than the population of the town I grew up in. Why is this? Because everyone is returning gifts.

I love people. I really do. You can tell, can’t ya? Only in America do we live in a place where we go through hell and high water to get a gift for someone… only for them to return it the next day. It’s kind of ridiculous. Like, you get this gift and you can’t stand the sight of it for more than a day so you have to return it as soon as the stores open up on the 26th.

I understand that maybe the sweater was a bit ugly or the wrong size, BUT the receipt is good for at least 90 days in most cases. Plus, the stores are 75% empty because they sold everything already… so you go return an item for the store credit? What a waste of a perfectly good day off. LOSERS.

What I really hate is how you use gift cards in these stores but they can’t give you cash for change. I’m not asking for a large amount of change. I understand that the business needs the sales from the gift cards, but when it’s less than 2 dollars and they won’t give you the change… that annoys the shit out of me.

You have a balance of $1.64, and you look for the cheapest thing they have just to use the last of the gift card. I don’t really need the #4 pencils they were selling on the counter, but now I have them. Hopefully, I will run into the first situation since grade school that I will need a pencil for.

When you’re an adult, you never need a pencil. NEVER. In fact, it gets to a point where if you have to write something down and all you can find is a pencil… you consider slitting your wrists and using blood instead.

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The epitome of class.

It’s the day after your tryptophan induced coma, and you have officially picked a solid half pound of white meat off the bird for breakfast. You sit down, turn on the tv and there is news coverage of what I consider to be the worst part of our country- Black Friday Sales.

That’s right boys and girls, if you are sitting down at this point, you have missed out on the BIGGEST sales opportunities of a  lifetime. Cause while you were sleeping, people were sleeping outside a Best Buy so they can finally have their copy of Speed 2 Cruise Control on DVD for $1.99 and a new DVD player for $5 bucks. I decided to skip this sh*t and avoided the stores altogether.

Last year, tragedy struck a Long Island New York Walmart, when a stampede occurred on Black Friday by sale hungry consumers rushing the door like rabid monkeys. What kind of a world do we live in when we will kill another individual because an I-phone is $50 dollars cheaper than usual?  I feel sorry for the workers of these stores too, having to come into work at ungodly hours to deal with this dreck of society looking for bargains of a lifetime.

They call it Black Friday to signify the start of the Christmas shopping season and the starting point where retail stores go from being in the red (negative profit) to being in the black (profit). I don’t get it. The only thing I do know is I really hope that Barnes and Noble will have some crazy sale on Goin’ Rogue… that way I can finally get my copy.

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