Like I’ve always said, marriage is useless and almost as stupid as global warming. Al and Tipper Gore finally woke up out of their collective comas and realized they didn’t need each other any more. Who really cares?

Who gets the internet and that stupid Nobel thing?

The big question everyone is asking is what the hell happened and when is it cool for Tipper to start seeing Bill? I personally believe Al has fallen in love with the planet and forgot about his wife. You can’t really blame him. I mean, seriously, the planet is so hot right now! I am guessing the planet is mad at Al for keeping the marriage going for as long as he has.

You think it’s just a coincidence that the oil has not stopped spewing out of the Gulf? I bet once the divorce is finalized, the oil will stop, and the planet and Al will get an apartment together next week.

I wonder who gets sole possession of the summer house in Antarctica? Does Tipper now get the Oscar for Best Documentary and try to hock it at the local pawn shop? After 40 years of marriage to a walking corpse, you would think Tipper would want the defibrillator they kept in the bedroom.

No one even gives a shit about who gets the kids. Everyone just wants to know who’s getting global warming and who’s getting PMRC. Al better watch his back because rumor has it that Tipper has already called Google to find out how much half the internet is worth.

Hopefully, Al will get to keep his useless “facts” and “graphs” of all that climate bullshit because the only thing really warming up right now is Tipper’s hot box.

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Which is the bigger lie? Santa or Global Warming???

Greenhouse gases have affected the North Pole more than any other region. Mr. and Mrs. Claus have made the switch to hybrid vehicles, but too little too late according to studies. According to some, these fictitious green house gases have also added a cloud of bullshit to the North Pole and there is a chance of precipitation.

Now, thanks to some weirdo with too much time on his hands, you can take action against the movement on St. Nick. Only you can start to turn around these environmental damages and make those ice shelves whole again.

What can you do? First, start to give a damn about Santa Claus. Then we have to save his home! For years we have been lied to- our deadbeat parents have been buying us gifts under this disguise of a jolly old fat man with eight magical reindeer. Everyone over the age of 20 knows that Santa Claus is real and Mrs. Claus has been having an affair. I hate you Easter Bunny, I HATE YOU!

Well, if that weren’t bad enough for Santa… his house is melting away and we need to help him!  According to the flier mentioned in the article… it will be 8 degrees hotter by 2100, which should be about 30 to 40 years after I’m dead and my corpse will be sweating… and Santa’s house will be destroyed!

Ways that you can help: When you see someone wasting energy, either by leaving lights on for too long or seeing someone using a non-solar powered dildo, you can leave them a Christmas energy violation. The summons informs the offender that they are about to be on the “Energy Naughty List.” It’s pretty stupid and wreaks of something that not only would I crumble up and liter as quick as I could with, but I would find the person that left it and visit their house…

I would go to the backyard while they were not home and try to find a backyard outlet. I would then hook up my super powered heating fan that eats more wattage per hour than The Griswold house in Christmas Vacation, then I would piss on their lawn, and scream at the top of my lungs…

“Hey, I’m a coal wasting motherf’er and melting Santa’s house WAS MY IDEA!!”

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The polar bears are fine. Let's drill, baby, drill!!!

I’m getting sick of goin’ green. I’m sick of all these cars with their high fuel efficiency and I’m getting tired of these mother f’in polar bears. Damn hippies and scientists are trying to convince all of us that the planet is being destroyed by our thirst for power but what the planet does not understand is that it needs us, we do not need it.

Read the article- DECIDE FOR YOURSELF if you think it’s a scam or not.

Follow me here… The planet was here for like, 3000 years, and we have been here the entire time, you know- creationism. How come it’s just happening now? Before the Industrial Revolution there are recorded moments of hurricanes and really hot and cold days as well. After the Industrial Revolution, the same weather has occurred.

This is not rocket science people, the planet is fine, the people are f’ed. Why should I even care about animals when the fact that keeping them alive is keeping us from getting cheaper oil? So a few polar bears die, so a few ice shelfs break off from thousand year old glaciers, what does any of this have to do with human beings?

Finally, lets all agree on one thing. These high tech cars with their awesome fuel mileage, are all freaking ugly and small.  Everyone knows that once the planet finishes this phase it goes through… all of the oil will replenish itself and all these ugly Toyota Prius will be obsolete. Al Gore can suck on my Hummer’s tailpipe and I don’t mean that in a gay way at all.

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