Oh football… how we love thee.

October is my favorite month thanks to Halloween, the World Series, and Football.  But this time of the year also brings about a class of individual that I really could do without- The Fake Sports Fan.

These people always seem to stumble out of their cells about now, especially during the baseball playoffs, and every given Sunday.  They want to be social, they want to feel a part of something. That’s nice. Speaking for the general sport loving public… please STAY HOME!

F you POSERS!!!

These people are very easy to pick out and I absolutely loathe them.  The first indicator is a fresh hat.  If the hat looks like it was just picked up that afternoon most likely you are dealing with a fair-weather.  They also never know things that, to me, are very basic rules of the game. For example, the second out occurs and this person thinks it’s the end of the inning.  They think Mark Teixeira’s first name is Monk, that a web gem is the diamond Spider Man gave to Mary Jane, and they never know what’s going on! You ask the guy what just happened, and it follows as “The guy hit it and the other guy caught it.” Thanks, you should replace John Kruk on Baseball Tonight.

Another issue I have… just because you are from a particular area does not make you a fan of that team.  I have seen this numerous times, especially people from Boston.  I’ll watch a Yankee and Sox game and some guy will be cheering for the Sox simply because he is from Boston.  He has no idea who is on the team but he is clapping along anyway like an idiot.  I know the Red Sox line up very well and when you cannot name three players on the team you are clapping for… you are not a fan!

Keepin' it real Bitches!!

The greatest examples of the fake fan are celebrities.  Now there are a few exceptions to the rule, well, actually only two: Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee.  Those two are as die-hard as they come.  Spike Lee was ready to fight Reggie Miller and Jack Nicholson refused to wear a Red Sox hat while filming The Departed.  The rest can please stay in their mansions- with their fresh hats, brand new jerseys that still have the official merchandise tags, while sipping on some Mimosas from the downstairs bar. These people are the holy grail of the fair weather fan.

Just once I want to see a bat fly into the stands and force some movie or show to be re-cast.

Everyone’s favorite dog fighting NFL QB is eligible to play for the Philadelphia Eagles this week.

There is SO much intensity on both sides of this. Should he be able to play? Should he just rot in hell? Has he done his time? I’m sure everyone knows the story, but for those who don’t, the back story is: M. Vick started/ran an illegal dog fighting ring and kept over 70 pitbulls that fought in the ring at his house. When authorities searched his house, they found evidence of high stakes gambling, brutal dog executions (which included hanging, drowning, electrocuting and shooting dogs), and many of the dogs found alive were really f*cked up. I’m not going to provide pics here because it is f*cking gross, but if you want to see them, click here.

No my friend, Fuck You.

Now this is bad enough, but Vick lied about everything to the press for months and months saying it was his family and friends and continued to lie about it. He lied to and didn’t cooperate with the authorities which only helped him get a stiffer sentence that the others in the dog fighting ring.

We could go on for days with how awesome Vick is, but we shall leave that to you. This is a hate off folks. Same old rules apply.

1) One “Hate” per comment

2) 45 words or less per hate

3) Submit as many “Hates” as you want.

The best Hate and best Nut Hug received by Wednesday 9/28/09 will win a T-shirt from Snorg Tees or or a Michael Vick Tshirt.

Traveling Bra (Olga The Traveling Bra)

Seth Rogan’s Laugh Track (Manofest)

How to Convince Your Girlfriend To Like Football (Holy Taco)

The 9 Worst Boob Jobs Of All Time (Hollywood Fail)

From what might be the funniest story in sports, over the past weekend, the Dallas Cowboys unveiled their 1.2 billion dollar palace of a gridiron.  A pre-season game had them up against the Tennesee Titans.  During a point in the game, the Titans had to punt, the kick went up and and never made it over to the Cowboys. The ball hit the scoreboard.

The 2100 inch TV that hangs in the middle of the structure.  The structure is 60 yards wide and hangs 25 yards above.  The result of the play was a do-over.  That’s right boys and girls, thanks to completely horrific design flaws; the do-over rule instituted when we played football during recess will now be used in professional football.

Now, I am no master of architecture or interior design, but I do know how football operates.  How the hell did this happen?  Did one of the cheerleaders design it? They completely forget what the building was for?  It’s for football for crying out loud.  The Cowboys are the richest team in all of Football and are in the top 5 of all of sports, and this is the best design that money could buy.  It’s almost like Cowboy owner Jerry Jones got the biggest TV he could find at Best Buy and completely forgot it wouldn’t fit in his apartment. Read more »

Let’s face it: the douche bag market is saturated with ironic mullets.  The hair cut once reserved for your Camaro driving older brother and creepy uncle from West Virginia is now the go-to style for trendy scenesters and metropolitan douchers.  So when most people gaze upon the shit-brown locks of Jared Allen, they often assume it’s just another attempt to be trendy and clever.

But, how wrong that assumption is.

The Holy Trinity: Mullet, Cowboy Hat, and 'Stache

Jared Allen is white trash.  And he cherishes it.  Allen, the two time pro-bowl Defensive End for the Minnesota Vikings, truly lives the life that his curly neck warmer advertises.  For starters, Jared earns his paycheck on the gridiron, the fourth manliest profession on planet earth (behind only Lumberjacks, Crab Fishermen, and Blog Writers).  Second, he takes pictures with bears.  And not just regular pictures with bears like you and I would do.  No, Jared Allen steps that shit up and put his fingers in their mouths.  Because what bear would bite a guy with a mullet, right?

Oh, and lest we forget, Jared Allen has a few DUI’s under his belt too.  In true white trash fashion, Allen has found his way behind the wheel on multiple occasions after pounding back a couple brews. Because that is what guys with real mullets do.

Heavenly Mullet

Could you imagine if one of those fashion mullet scenesters tried to live up to this true mullet lifestyle?  They couldn’t come close, because they’re only experience with bears are those of the other variety.  And everyone knows that you can’t get drunk enough off wine coolers to reach DUI territory.  So if you must hate, we demand that you not hate on those like Allen with proper mullets.  But instead, direct your fiery dislike to all the posers out there trying to represent the rough and tumble lifestyle personified by the likes of Jared Allen and Kenny Powers.