The only soccer balls Americans will ever give a shit about.

Here in America, we do not understand or comprehend the game of soccer, or as the rest of the world calls it, football. Our football, which is only popular here, is the number one sport in terms of ratings and money, with baseball… not even a close second.

In America, soccer has been working on becoming more popular but the fact of the matter remains- unless they allow full blown tackling and use of the hands, and can pause the game for commercials, soccer will never be big here. Which sucks, because I’m not a huge soccer fan by any stretch, but it is one hell of a game.

First off, it requires the most well-conditioned athletes compared to any other game. You ever find it funny that America’s “national pastime” is baseball and the world’s game is soccer? There can not be a lazier game than baseball. The majority of the game is standing around. While in soccer, even the goalkeepers are running for some reason or another.

With the World Cup coming up in a few months we are going to start hearing from all those soccer haters like they are pros on the sport. “It’s so boring… the score is always 1-0… I hate Mexicans.” These are the attitudes that soccer needs to get out of people’s heads in order to become a success in this country.

"We won, we won!!! We get missiles!!!"

The first thing the US has to do is come up with some kick-ass chant. If you ever catch a game, the crowds in other countries have several athletes, songs, and chants, that EVERYONE knows the words to and they continue to sing and jump around and rally behind their clubs. In America, unless it’s “LETS GO YANKEES” we’ve got nothing.

With soccer, they need to start making it personal. Which is why, I say we should play North Korea in soccer and tell Americans that if we lose this game, North Korea gets 2 nuclear missiles. I guarantee, that people would watch that game and be pleasantly surprised how interested they are in the game and be quite happy it ended 1 nil the States.

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Oh football… how we love thee.

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October is my favorite month thanks to Halloween, the World Series, and Football.  But this time of the year also brings about a class of individual that I really could do without- The Fake Sports Fan.

These people always seem to stumble out of their cells about now, especially during the baseball playoffs, and every given Sunday.  They want to be social, they want to feel a part of something. That’s nice. Speaking for the general sport loving public… please STAY HOME!

F you POSERS!!!

These people are very easy to pick out and I absolutely loathe them.  The first indicator is a fresh hat.  If the hat looks like it was just picked up that afternoon most likely you are dealing with a fair-weather.  They also never know things that, to me, are very basic rules of the game. For example, the second out occurs and this person thinks it’s the end of the inning.  They think Mark Teixeira’s first name is Monk, that a web gem is the diamond Spider Man gave to Mary Jane, and they never know what’s going on! You ask the guy what just happened, and it follows as “The guy hit it and the other guy caught it.” Thanks, you should replace John Kruk on Baseball Tonight.

Another issue I have… just because you are from a particular area does not make you a fan of that team.  I have seen this numerous times, especially people from Boston.  I’ll watch a Yankee and Sox game and some guy will be cheering for the Sox simply because he is from Boston.  He has no idea who is on the team but he is clapping along anyway like an idiot.  I know the Red Sox line up very well and when you cannot name three players on the team you are clapping for… you are not a fan!

Keepin' it real Bitches!!

The greatest examples of the fake fan are celebrities.  Now there are a few exceptions to the rule, well, actually only two: Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee.  Those two are as die-hard as they come.  Spike Lee was ready to fight Reggie Miller and Jack Nicholson refused to wear a Red Sox hat while filming The Departed.  The rest can please stay in their mansions- with their fresh hats, brand new jerseys that still have the official merchandise tags, while sipping on some Mimosas from the downstairs bar. These people are the holy grail of the fair weather fan.

Just once I want to see a bat fly into the stands and force some movie or show to be re-cast.

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Everyone’s favorite dog fighting NFL QB is eligible to play for the Philadelphia Eagles this week.

There is SO much intensity on both sides of this. Should he be able to play? Should he just rot in hell? Has he done his time? I’m sure everyone knows the story, but for those who don’t, the back story is: M. Vick started/ran an illegal dog fighting ring and kept over 70 pitbulls that fought in the ring at his house. When authorities searched his house, they found evidence of high stakes gambling, brutal dog executions (which included hanging, drowning, electrocuting and shooting dogs), and many of the dogs found alive were really f*cked up. I’m not going to provide pics here because it is f*cking gross, but if you want to see them, click here.

No my friend, Fuck You.

Now this is bad enough, but Vick lied about everything to the press for months and months saying it was his family and friends and continued to lie about it. He lied to and didn’t cooperate with the authorities which only helped him get a stiffer sentence that the others in the dog fighting ring.

We could go on for days with how awesome Vick is, but we shall leave that to you. This is a hate off folks. Same old rules apply.

1) One “Hate” per comment

2) 45 words or less per hate

3) Submit as many “Hates” as you want.

The best Hate and best Nut Hug received by Wednesday 9/28/09 will win a T-shirt from Snorg Tees or or a Michael Vick Tshirt.

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From what might be the funniest story in sports, over the past weekend, the Dallas Cowboys unveiled their 1.2 billion dollar palace of a gridiron.  A pre-season game had them up against the Tennesee Titans.  During a point in the game, the Titans had to punt, the kick went up and and never made it over to the Cowboys. The ball hit the scoreboard.

The 2100 inch TV that hangs in the middle of the structure.  The structure is 60 yards wide and hangs 25 yards above.  The result of the play was a do-over.  That’s right boys and girls, thanks to completely horrific design flaws; the do-over rule instituted when we played football during recess will now be used in professional football.

Now, I am no master of architecture or interior design, but I do know how football operates.  How the hell did this happen?  Did one of the cheerleaders design it? They completely forget what the building was for?  It’s for football for crying out loud.  The Cowboys are the richest team in all of Football and are in the top 5 of all of sports, and this is the best design that money could buy.  It’s almost like Cowboy owner Jerry Jones got the biggest TV he could find at Best Buy and completely forgot it wouldn’t fit in his apartment. Read more »

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