"Look son, soon daddy can watch his porn in 3D too!"

I know I have frequently written about the 3D hysteria that has swept across our Cineplexes in the past months… but this shit takes the cake.

It seems that every fucking movie has come out with every excuse under the sun to be presented in 3D. In fact, I saw Precious in the theater and thought it was in 3D but it turns out she was just fat.

Now, because of Avatar and Alice in Wonderland and all the money that 3D has generated for film, television wants to jump on the bandwagon too.

This week, the NY Rangers decided to hold a hockey game in the third dimension and missing teeth have never looked so glorious. I’m kidding by the way. I did not watch the game mainly because I will not put on 3D glasses in my own home. I look like enough of a retard in my comfy pants and Yankees hoodie, I don’t need to add 3D glasses to the mix. I know my girlfriend would leave me.

You know, the worst part is, if this 3D sensation does work for the home market, it will only take a few minutes for the porn industry to jump on in there as well. Hell, I think they’re already working on it. I just can’t wait for the next auto-erotic choke yourself victim to be discovered wearing gay 3D glasses.

Nope- that's not 3D. She really is just THAT fat.

Another reason this 3D TV shit exists is because these flat screen TVs don’t need to be purchased every 3-5 years like the older sets did. So these 3D screens are a great way to get the rich people of America to spend another 2-3 grand on a new set that they will really never need. Also, how much programming could possibly even exist in 3D?

I just pray that Fox News doesn’t make any attempt at this shit, because I will send them a bill for a brand new television. That is once I take a swing at Glenn Beck and wind up putting a hole in my flat screen where his stupid third dimensional face was.

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Graffiti Of The Day (List Of The Day)

What Is With The Colors? (Urlesque)

Avatar Makeup (The Apiary)

Don’t Stop… Believing (Manofest)

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Save for one thing, 2009 might have been the lamest year of all time.

That one thing is Avatar, and it’s sweet jungle alien love.  Sweet, sweet alien love.

But besides that, how do we remember 2009?  The people who died?  The celebrity scandals?  The political…blah?

In more ways than one, 2009 should be considered a step backwards.  The major stories that we enter 2010 with are disappointments, tragedies, and unmet expectations.  Susan Boyle had the top selling album of the year.  Transformers 2 was the top grossing movie of the year.

Yes, really.

Mediocre taste has become somewhat of a pandemic, drawing precious money and attention away from the worthwhile.  Ironically, this is only the second lamest pandemic that struck in 2009.  Number one, of course, is the swine flu.

Rest in peace, MJ. You haven't missed much.

Barack Obama, who ended 2008 as the barer of hope, is now the most unexciting president since James K. Polk.  The unintentional rhyme of that sentence might actually be more interesting than Barack Obama’s presidency.

Twilight fever was never declared a pandemic.  In reality, though, it may have ended more lives than the swine flu.  New Moon bested The Dark Knight for the biggest opening weekend in box office history.  Vampires are all the rage when – really – vampires are about as cool as a stake to the eyes.

2009 will also be remembered for Michael Jackson and Tiger Woods, but for all the wrong reasons.  I imagine a good year is when the best performer releases a masterpiece, or when the best athlete destroys his competition.  A bad year, then, is when the immortal ones turn out to be just as f*cked as the rest of us.

2009 was that year.

2009 in a nutshell. Er...cardboard box.

It must be said, though, that every dark cloud has a silver lining.  As to what exactly 2009’s silver lining is – I couldn’t tell you.  Avatar?  Funnel Cake Sticks at Burger King?  Health care reform?  It’s anyone’s guess.

All I know is that 2009 left me with a bad taste in my mouth.  And it’s going to take more than Funnel Cake Sticks to fix that.

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You don't see people hatin on the smurfs for being blue. Just sayin...

A friend of mine was asking me to write a hate piece on the new film Avatar and I told him no.  I will not.  There is a great deal of bad buzz on the film because the aliens of the movie are blue.  I actually find it funny that I hear more people talking shit about this movie than a lot of other movies and yet I think I was the only one telling the entire world not to see Saw 6.  Let’s review a few things about Avatar and then let me ask you… “Why is there so much hate for the film?”

First off, everyone needs to stop hating on James Cameron, the film’s director.  Yes, he made Titanic.  Ok, so we are all blaming him on the Kate and Leo love story and the fucking awful song from Celine Dion?  What we are all forgetting is, that under all that stuff, it was a pretty bad ass disaster movie.  Watching the events in the movie unfold, as far as the disaster was concerned, it seemed extremely authentic.  Also, the man made Aliens, Terminator 1 and 2, The Abyss, True Lies, and of course Piranha 2, so the man knows how to make kickass action/sci fi.

Who gives a shit that the aliens are blue? Really.  Blue is that big of a deal?  This bullshit reason, at a time, when every other film to scroll across the screen is a remake, reboot, or sequel. The least of our problems is that the people in the movie are blue.  I personally think the movie looks weird and original and hopefully the 15 year absence Cameron took from directing will be rewarded to us on the screen.  Hey, even if it is a flop, at least Schwarzenegger will be out of California and we finally get our sequel to True Lies, cause I’ve been waiting to see Tom Arnold in a movie since The Stupids.

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