Honey, it's not just BritBrit that needs a bra...

Dear Perez,

First off, I love the title of your blog- Celebrity Juice, Not from TMZ Concentrate. I am a fellow blogger and I just had a few questions that I wanted to ask you. I know that you are considered to be a significant hypocritical influence in the celebrity gossip world and I find so many things about this rather intriguing.

For one, with you being someone that bashes every single actor and actress in regards to what they wear on the red carpet… why, oh why, do you dress like a member of In Living Color?

Anyhoo. You posted an article a few weeks back on your Coco Perez website about plus-sized models and how they’re too fat to effectively sell merchandise in magazines and ad campaigns because… oh shit, that reminds me. I loved your rants defending that orca from Precious and her womanly curves and you’re totally right, that “Mushy Farton” really is such a heffer!

I’ve always been amazed at your love for that homewrecker Angelina Jolie. Just because she slept with a married Brad Pitt years ago doesn’t make it “sooooo 2005.” Adopting children the way that people adopt puppies does not make Angie a saint and does little to no good in proving your point of what a man Jennifer “Maniston” is. Just because Aniston, aka Brad’s ex-wife, doesn’t feel like toting around a bunch of multicultural bastard children does NOT make her any less of a woman.

Speaking of women that look like men… how’s your wifey GaGa doing? Oh, and your “princess” Rihanna? We understand your undying love for GaGa considering she has a dick and all her music is consistently at the top of the charts but what’s your deal with “RiRi?” Maybe you can explain why you would ever want to post humiliating nude photos of your princess on your crap blog shortly after her douchebag ex boyfriend “Chris BeatHerDown” brutally bludgeoned her over a text message.

As for your distaste of Kristen Stewart and VaneXXXa Hudgens… please understand a few things, fatty. You can stop bashing these unfortunately accomplished actresses just because their boyfriends won’t fuck you. Not everyone is into dick… especially YOUR fat talentless shriveled schlong. So give it a rest and realize that the closest you’re ever going to get to “P-Ratz” and “Zacquisha” is when you catch a whiff of their fart as they pass your fat ass on the red carpet at the Teen Choice Awards.

On that note- one more thing… No one gives a fuck about your shittastic taste in music. If I wanted to hear crap that should never see the light of day I would plug my headphones into the toilet.

Disrespectfully yours,

CareBear

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Excuse Me Doctor! How Much For Some Vaginoplasty?

Thanks to being a hater, I’m reading and watching news stories I never cared to bother myself with. A prime example of this is the story of Octomom. I had heard of Octomom, Nadia Solemn, like the rest of you. However, I never really paid much attention to her before now. She’s some crazy bitch that decided to have 8 kids, who was unemployed, and had artificial insemination. I was finally privy to seeing her full blown 2 hour FOX special on the mother… of 14! I immediately said, “Whoa, I thought it was 8.” No, she had 6 more kids from previous births!!

This woman must be stopped at any cost. She is delusional and has no right having one child let alone fourteen. I think she really belongs on the A&E show Obsessed, considering I think she is the exceptional case of being the only woman on the planet who physically enjoys giving birth. How is this even possible? How can anyone get artificially inseminated without a stable job or housing? Can others do this? Will this become a fad? Will people start becoming obsessed with trying to out birth each other? Will Denny’s have a promo, “The 15th kid eats for free!”

The entire documentary showcases her first three or four months at home with the babies and the already forgotten first six children. Octomom’s mother, who could have the done the entire world a favor at the moment of Nadia’s conception by aborting, clearly shows hatred for her daughter. Good. This made watching this human Hindenburg disaster all the more pleasurable. Everyone seems to hate her… including her kids.

One of her sons, 2-year-old Caleb, punches her in the face and calls her a bitch. I could watch that moment over and over again. Read more »

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With the release of Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, Brad Pitt has once again shown the world why he is “the man.”  He’s married to the most beautiful woman ever.  He’s got more money than anyone could possibly need.  And, in nearly all of his movies, he simply kicks ass.  In his latest release, he kicks Nazi ass – and lots of it.

A two-time “Sexiest Man Alive,” Pitt obviously has his health and good looks going for him as well.  All things considered, Brad Pitt truly has everything a man could ask for.  It’s only fitting, then, that he’s not a man at all.

That’s right.  Brad Pitt is a robot.

Now, I’m no scientist or robot expert.  But there’s no dancing around it.  There are no other logical explanations for Brad Pitt’s talent and successes.  He is a robot – and a bitchin’ robot at that.

And cousin, robot business is a-boomin'

Don’t be alarmed, though.  He’s not the first.  Robots have been around for a while now, living the lives that mortal men fantasize about.  Mick Jagger is a robot.  Michael Jordan is a robot, too.  Will Smith may or may not be a robot.  But Brad Pitt…he’s a definite.

Let’s just run down his career, shall we?

Pitt has starred in badass movies like Fight Club, Ocean’s Eleven, Twelve Monkeys, and Se7en, stealing every scene with ease.  He’s been married to Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.  He currently has six kids – yes, six kids – and still manages to kick Nazi ass in his free time.

I’m honestly surprised that his cold, metal interior is still a secret to the world.  No humans are that awesome.

But the truth is, I’m thankful for all the robots out there.  With perfection embodied and broadcast to the world, normal people have something to aspire to.  We can learn from the robots.  Granted, I haven’t a clue where they came from, or what they were actually designed to do.  The possibilities are rather frightening.

For now, though, I have no problem with idolizing these machines.  Hell, if being a robot would get me to Angelina Jolie, then sign me up.

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