Haters Be Hatin'

You gotta hand it to Stephen Slater, the Jet Blue flight attendant who quit his job the other day.

Stephen Slater Gay

"Peace out bitches!!!"

In a nation where someone flips out at their job and kills a few people before blowing their own brains out, isn’t it refreshing for someone to lose their cool responsibly?

Stephen Slater did something we all wish we had the balls to do- quit our jobs in a blaze of glory. Screw references. Forget recommendations. Take this job, shove it up your ass, and someone give me a cold beer.

If you’re hating on Slater you have not really worked a day in your life. The silver spoon is still stuck in your ass and you look down on all the people who serve you in any capacity.

Most likely you are a shitty tipper too! Also, please, while the plane is coming to a halt- just sit the fuck down! You are not important and do not deserve to get off the plane before anyone else does. I don’t care if your connecting flight does leave in 20 minutes!

Slater has now become an Internet sensation and most likely will go to jail for a few years because of all those “no shenanigans at the airport” kind of laws. Thanks a lot Bin Laden. Slater is a hero in my book right next to Batman, Spiderman and Darkwing Duck. I hope he gets a beer sponsorship deal somehow and I hope he doesn’t have to work another day for the rest of his life.

If you want to be a successful hater you might want to try not being a little irritating bitch first. This little fuck in the video below grates on my nerves like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Check it out:

You know this little shit doesn’t HATE IT when guys wear skinny jeans. He’s more like inspecting that shit and fantasizing about slobbin’ the knob that’s dangling around inside of them. Sorority Row? The question is not, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” The question is more like- why the fuck are you watching that gay ass shit?

As for the couples sitting on the same side of the table at a restaurant… you know if you had the chance you’d eagerly be jerking off your boyfriend under the table. Well, that is if you could get one with that retarded ass lisp you’re sportin. My issues with this little fudgepacker could go on and on but I guess I really do only have one really important question.

How in the balls did this little bitch’s Youtube video get over 3 MILLION views?!?!?! Don’t you lame-ass people have anything better to do with your spare time other than sitting around watching this pansy bitch and moan about his pet peeves? Well, at least he had the good sense to turn off his comments on this video as to avoid the entire world telling him that he should do himself and his college roommate a favor… and go choke to death on a giant schlong.

I know what you’re thinking… but hear me out on this. I wrote previously that I was sick of all the Lebron hype over where he was going to play next season.

Lebron James Jersey Burning

Save your lighter fluid and just burn Cleveland to the ground.

The decision he made was Miami and the whole country is in quite a tizzy over this bullshit. South Beach threw a party that had everyone out on their faggy Vespas til the wee hours while Cleveland turned literally into ruins overnight. Not that the residents of Cleveland really noticed any changes. Seriously.

I personally commend Lebron for several reasons. First off, the man took a pretty steep pay cut to follow his dream of winning an NBA championship. He is crazy rich to begin with so to be even crazier rich was not a concern to him. It must be nice to look at 30 million dollars as unnecessary. Fucker.

He also turned his back on his hometown fans and told them they were worthless… in not so many words. His jerseys were on fire in the streets and people were seen crying in bars. No doubt, because they just realized that they all still live in fucking Cleveland.

I hope they win several championships in Miami and that Cleveland just turns into its older brother Detroit. I hope Lebron sells his home at a tremendous profit while all the homes near his go into foreclosure. I hope the owner of the Cavs, who had this interesting rant, never lives up to his promise.

Cleveland sucks. Miami is so much cooler and if you want honesty and devotion in sports… you pussies are in the wrong place.

If there is one American legacy that we can all be proud of it is that we are the fattest nation in the land. No, I do not mean fat with a PH you hip hop induced idiots… but more like Orca fat.

60 pound woman photo

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!"

We love to consume and consume and consume to a point that when a Golden Corral opens up you would think Bon Jovi was in town with the number of cars in the parking lot.

Meet, Lizzie Velasquez, a 21 year-old woman who has some rare condition that leaves her unable to gain weight. Talk about not fitting in! She eats like everyone else and gorges up to 5,000 calories a day sometimes but still fits into a size -5. When she was a baby, born prematurely, she was dressed in clothes that were fit for dolls. I wonder if the American Girl line was also too big for her?

She has written a book that weighs more than her and is currently touring the country trying to promote self-esteem and empowerment. Good for you Lizzie! But at the same time, if people want to be like you, I think you are setting a bad example.  Girls are constantly trying to be thin like their idols and I think if they start copying Lizzie it could spell doom for the country… right Tori Spelling? Nicole Richie?

If the book tour doesn’t work out at least you can always work in Hollywood. Schindler’s List 2. IN 3D!!!

Is he going to New York? Is he staying in Cleveland? Will Miami be his new home? I’m so over this gay shit with Lebron this and Lebron that. I just want him to break his ankle walking up to the podium for his hour-long press conference.

Lebron James Dick

"Shit nigga, you know I ain't sayin yet..."

One hour to tell people where you are playing next year? How slow do you fucking read, asshat?

The whole world, or more importantly, the few people who still watch basketball will be tuned in to see if James wants to stay in that shithole Cleveland or move his jump shot to another location. I kind of hope he goes to New York but instead of the Knicks he joins the cast of Phantom of the Opera. Imagine what those Nike Muppets would be like on Avenue Q!

Jay-Z wants him to join the Nets and give Lebron his own clothing line, which like his sneakers, will be made by very hard working 9-year-olds. Maybe Lebron will be sensible and take a pay cut… but I think we have a better shot of Lindsay Lohan showing up at a cash bar.

I’m just happy that after tonight, no matter what, all the attention on one athlete will be over. At least until Brett Favre decides to sob all over a microphone again when that pussy announces his retirement for the millionth time.

Where, oh where… will this bastard child go????

What? You thought we would just let this one go unscathed, dipshit? Lindsay Lohan, America’s favorite soon to be dead wannabe lesbian has-been celebrity, was just sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating probation.

Lindsey Lohan Jail Sex

"Oh noooooo!!! That's 90 days without Botox!!"

The one question burning on everyone’s mind is… how many gooey vagina tacos can Lohan put down in 90 days?

The star gave a tearful apology to the judge, which was supposedly as unconvincing as her terrible acting. The judge said that she needed to understand the severity of her actions and I totally agree.

I still want some sort of severance package after seeing I Know Who Killed Me. Hopefully, this will give the slutbag cokehead star exactly what she needs- a good old fashioned prison rape!

"I know who killed Bill!"

I can’t wait for Lohan to come out of prison and master the art of winemaking. I’ve heard that Lohan “Toilet Merlot” with its full tannic flavor and slightly earthy textures will go perfect with any alcoholic SCRAM bracelet. Say what you will… but the wine has to be better than Herbie: Fully Loaded Part 2.

Hopefully, she’ll get her classless scabby little hands on some nice long sheets in da clink’ and hang herself David Carradine style.

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