"I'm a douchebag."

On Monday, Sandra Bullock was probably still just working on coming down from her post-Oscar-award-winning high… only to have her entire life screwed when she got a call from her publicist. She called to alert Sandra that In Touch would be exposing some very interesting information about her husband, Jesse James, and slut bitch nazi whore, Michelle McGee.

“In Touch magazine had called Sandra’s publicist Monday morning to let her know the magazine was going to print an explosive cover story … saying her husband was cheating,” claims a source. “At first, camp Sandra dismissed the story until they understood that the magazine had the alleged mistress, tattoo model Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee, on the record telling all.”

It only took America’s sweetheart Bullock long enough to pack up some of her things and she was out of there. McGee, on the other hand, has spared Bullock no pain and has just released some very juicy private SEXting messages between herself and James.

"Oh, Jesse... I can't wait to meet your parents!"

Does anybody have a clue as to how Jesse James met this classy little piece of tattooed trash? That’s right folks! He met her on Myspace. Lindsay Sinai, who is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee’s former roommate, is dishing out plenty of disgusting details about James’ affair with his Nazi lover McGee.

“Their relationship was more like a friendship. Nothing was ever said about a future. Once she did realize [Bullock and James] were together, there was a lot of regret there. [McGee] friend-requested Jesse James [on MySpace] and he started writing her out of the blue. [Michelle] was like, ‘Oh my God, Jesse James is writing me. Oh my God, Jesse James is calling me.’ He said he wanted to hang out with her. She ended up driving up to the garage.”

Well, thankfully the Karma police were keeping tabs on James and gave him at least a little bit of his own medicine because his dog Cinnabun went missing all over again after just recently being returned from a month long runaway stint.

We’re not going to lie here James. We were REALLY hoping that either Bullock or McGee had gone all Fatal Attraction on your dumb ass and you were going to come home to find your precious little mutt boiling in a big ol’ pot on the kitchen stove.

Ah, well no such luck… yet. Better luck next time!

13 Port O Potty Pranks (Urlesque)

Michelle Obama’s Workout Video (Funny Or Die)

Best Pranks of 2009 (Funny DOOdz)

no words can describe this.

A pretty damn funny fake car accident. Looks like someone needs a xanax and someone needs their ass beat!

"I wonder what Beck's picks are for the final four."

March Madness. Let me begin. I am not hating on the last few weeks of the tournament. This is more hatred for the beginning of the madness and how it engulfs the country for a few days prior to the beginning.

I’m sure, you have a bracket in your hand right now and are trying to figure out if you want Villanova or Duke to get into the Final Four. The “what I really can not stand” is how serious some people take this.

Every office has that guy who has WAY too many brackets working at once. He has theories on each one and will tell you about all of them. Look I don’t care. I don’t give a rat’s ass why you think I should give Memphis more respect than Kansas.

The opposite side of this is that co-worker who fills out the bracket, knows not a lick about college basketball (which is mostly who I am) and just goes by the seeds. This person will win sometimes… and that just pisses everyone off.

But lets agree on one thing about March Madness. The first round is pointless. There are schools that get their ticket to the dance and wind up playing Kansas in the first round and get their asses handed to them. It’s a waste of time and energy and the only positive is that games start at 10am and all the bars open for the business. The perfect excuse to be drunk by noon.

Good luck with your bracket! Shit, the President is going with Kansas as well.

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She's hot, not, 4 years in jail getting raped by other inmates, hot though.

Biurny Peguero Gonzalez did this exact shit back in 2005 and sent William McCaffrey to jail for 4 years. She then came clean 4 YEARS LATER and old dude is finally out of jail. McCaffrey is understandably bitter about the ordeal.

“I was an accused rapist in prison,” he said, adding that in prison, “rape is the worst crime possible.”

I would agree with that, both when you are doing it and it is getting done to you.

So I thinks to myself, I thinks, Well you gotta give her some credit for coming clean on her own and letting the guy out. WRONG! She only came clean after DNA evidence proved she was a lying whore. Normally, because she has no priors, she would have gotten probation for perjury. WRONG! Judge said she was going in for 2-5 years for this heinous BS.

Let this be a lesson to all of you guys. Tape every single sexual encounter you have and make sure your friends are watching.

Biggest Sex Survey Ever (Health Guru)

7 Trampoline Tragedies (I Am Bored)

The Fax Of Life (You Tube)

Someone find us the manufacturer for that chair. It looks hella sturdy.

First off, do not take this article as thinking I’m simply hating on someone for being overweight. I, like you, get easily disgusted by the morbidly obese.

What I can’t stand is when the really obese person is doing absolutely nothing to change their life. I have said this for years. I may be overweight by the classic definition but I don’t do FAT people kind of shit.

What does that mean you ask? If you go out for a seafood dinner and require more butter in ounces than actual seafood, that is a fat person kind of move.

Well, I have officially been disgusted to a point that I am actually offended and really hope someone, somewhere, does us all a favor and pushes this individual into a bus. But not really, because the bus might not be able to take the impact and could affect more lives in the process.

"I thought her pussy stank... it turned out to be a Filet-O-Fish... with fries."

Donna Simpson, from Old Bridge New Jersey, already holds a fat record. She is the fattest woman to ever give birth. I wonder if her daughter is named Precious. This hot mess of a slob also has her very own food eating fetish website. GROSS. Anyway, Donna has decided in her trans fat influenced head that she wants to be 1,000 pounds.

Well, I guess it’s nice to have goals. To want to have heart disease, diabetes, respiratory problems, high blood pressure, cankles, high cholesterol, stretch marks, and an impossible to find vagina, I guess you really are shooting for the stars. Or maybe it was just the star on the Carl’s Jr. logo.

This is disgusting on so many levels. First, this is a world where people are starving and we donate food in cans every chance we get. The fact that this person can even attempt this goal bothers the hell out of me.

Also, there are people who are overweight, and it really is not their fault. For some people they are caught in weight issues from their childhood and are fighting with them well into their adult lives. When someone this useless decides to want a goal like this, we as decent people have to do something.

I say we block this woman from leaving her house and only feed her carrots. It would be like a fat rabbit stuck in its cage. I think we should get Jillian Michaels up there, get her on The Biggest Loser, and kill her in the first week. God I love that show.

You'll get so drunk that you'll puke pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers...

There are a few of you that have read the title to this hate with the assumption that I can’t stand Irish people or Irish pride. This is very far from the truth. I love corned beef and cabbage as much as the next guy and nothing is more enjoyable than a perfectly made Guinness. I just hate the actual day of St. Patrick’s because it forgets anything about Irish pride and sums it all up as get drunk and have green things on you.

Before I reached the age of reason, I enjoyed going out on St. Pats and heading to the city. The funny part is I used to go every year and I would never actually make it to the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

In fact, come to think of it, I have yet to have ever seen a live parade in my life. We would always wind up at some bar that was blocks and blocks away from the actual parade… because all the places near the parade were too packed and the cover charges were totally insane.

It is the one day of the year that bars have cover charges on a Tuesday afternoon and decide that 10 dollars for a Guinness is a perfectly acceptable price. Everyone is drunk, fights are breaking out, and people are making out in the street, and it’s not even noon yet!

It’s like New Years, but at least with New Years… midnight happens and everyone sooner or later goes home. With St. Pats, it just never ends. It’s 3pm and people are getting crazier and drunker and bars don’t cut people off until they actually die on the pool table. Plus, there is green shit EVERYWHERE.

Also, I don’t own green clothing for a reason, but yet you are always required to wear green, so you wind up wearing the worst shirt in your wardrobe simply because it has a green stripe on it. Can’t we just celebrate Irish pride by listening to U2 and having a corned beef sandwich? FYI, green food will equal green puke, every time.