The epitome of class.

Celebrities are a weird lot of drug addicts and crazy people… that also happen to be good looking, in most cases, and usually can act just enough to keep you in your seat at the movies.

They are also responsible for trends, whether it be a certain style of clothing or maybe even a hairstyle. Unfortunately, it is our “celebrities” that seem to shape far too many lives in America. Now, I’ve just read an article that leaves me saying,”Celebrities that bring home the bacon are now taking it too far.”

That’s right folks- pigs for pets. I personally blame this all on Varsity Blues where the linemen of the football team had a pig for a pet, but supposedly Paris Hilton and the Beckhams also have these little fellas in their homes.

The micro pigs are hairless creatures, so that’s good for the hypoallergenic crowd out there… and they keep themselves clean. I wonder if they can be litter trained? Probably. The little piggies don’t grow to the size of a regular pig, so if you’re thinking about getting one just to fatten it up and make a wonderful ham out of it for next Christmas you should invest elsewhere.

I have a rule that I live by in life- if it has ever, and I repeat, EVER, been in my stomach it can not be a pet in my home. This is as retarded to me as when Homer decided to get a lobster as a pet and name him Pinchy. The little micro pigs must be allowed to roam freely in the garden, so this would not be a good city pet. I wonder if my landlord will come up with new wording in my rental agreement: Dogs OK/Cats OK, NO PIGS!!!

I really hope this doesn’t catch on. My girlfriend already has enough 4-legged critters in our home that I don’t know what I would do with walking bacon in the house too.

Heidi Montag says no to plastic surgery??

Really? It took you 50 years to aknowledge your pizza tasted like a can of smashed assholes?

Over the course of my life, I have been known to have a few too many drinks. Hell, even as I write this article I should put down the bottle of Knob Creek that’s in my lap. In drunken moments, I have been known to eat things I would later regret. White Castle being the number one culprit followed by Cheesesteaks, and of course, good ole Domino’s Pizza.

Domino’s, has always been that one reliable company that will get to your apartment quick enough to keep you from thinking that maybe you shouldn’t be eating so late in the first place.

Who would have thought through all those years of eating Domino’s at God awful hours under God awful circumstances… that the pizza tasted like crap. Domino’s recently has decided that they were sick of being labeled “bad food” and changed their recipe to taste better. Who would have thought that fresh ingredients make food better. Crazy idea right?

Well, apparently, the American public has been buying up Domino’s faster than ever. The company has recorded record profits since they released the new recipe. It’s not surprising, they basically went on TV and said, “Yep, we knew it sucked the whole time but you still bought it. Now we are trying our best and would like to hear what you think.”

Go ahead. Bring this piece of shit back. I dare you.

Would you people order a real pizza for crying out loud? Would real pizza places please make an attempt to compete with Domino’s for speed and styles? Also, real pizza places- please stop closing at 11pm! Real pizza money is after midnight and that is why Domino’s does so well. They are the only place open. It’s easy to make money when you are the only game in town.

Please, America, don’t buy Domino’s because they have made, and are boasting about it, a real product. Also, this was the same company that gave us the NOID.

Please, don’t let them think they are popular enough again to bring the NOID back.

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Now before this article, did any single person here ever watch this commercial and say to themselves: “OMG, they totally ripped on Lindsay Lohan”  If you’re sane and normal, your answer was no.  However, if you are Lindsay “The Milkaholic” Lohan, you clearly think this was poking fun at you and you must fight back.

When Lindsay brings a case to court, she doesn’t do it lightly.  She’s asking for a recockulous amount of money: $100,000,000.  There’s no mistake on those 0’s, she wants 100 mil.  Here’s the statement from Lohan’s attorney:

“Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit,” Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said in a statement to the New York Post. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THIS NON-SENSE!  Are you serious?  Are you fucking serious?  I sure as hell hope this was a joke and Lohan comes back and says J/K.

Honestly, until reading the news today on Yahoo I never, not once, thought of Lindsay Lohan in this commercial and just thought “that was cute”.  Lindsay are times that tough that you go to filing suit over a commercial that uses a popular name?  What’s next… are you going to sue Belk Lindsey and say they defamed your name by changing the spelling?  Oh snap,  I want commission if you do!

The cutest little ass whoopin birdie on the planet…

Definitely not going to make the fattest... er, fastest getaway.

In clearly the funniest theft I read about this week, a Russian man was caught after he allegedly stole an ATM machine out of a store with the owner watching the entire robbery. The police knew they had their man, not only because of the ATM machine sitting in the back of his BMW, but because of the description of the perpetrator.

He was a sumo wrestler.

The robbery was committed in broad daylight, in Moscow, when the sumo wrestler walked into the shop, picked up the ATM machine, which weighed about 200 pounds… and walked out the front door. The police were alerted and pulled the BMW over… which had no tags and tinted windows.

They quickly discovered the ATM machine in the backseat. The machine still contained its contents of 850 dollars so the police, subsequently, arrested the wrestler and his accomplice.

Who the hell plotted this robbery? A sumo wrestler is not exactly the “Where’s Waldo” of a crowd. People are going to notice him. Period. Also, the execution of this theft was completely criminal. Shopkeepers tend to notice someone stealing their ATM machine…  it’s not exactly Mission Impossible.

Then, you get into a BMW with tinted windows and no tags… because you will blend in with the rest of the traffic? Here’s an idea- don’t go with a sumo wrestler as your “muscles” for a robbery. Clearly, you can not make a speedy getaway.

Good thing you really didn't want to watch the Oscars...

I have just read a story about how Cablevision will be dropping ABC and Disney from its networks unless an agreement is made about revenue between the two companies. Earlier this year, Cablevision was also forced to cut Food Network from its programming for similar reasons. Time Warner Cable and Fox were separating and Direct TV lost the VS channel.

These big cable companies and the big networks, fighting each other over money and who loses? We do.

I hate the cable companies with a passion. First off, you really have no say in the company you get. I don’t understand how in these modern times with phone lines and underground networks, and satellites in space, that choice in cable provider does not really exist.

You could go with satellite but one rainstorm during a big game and you will hate that decision… so you are stuck with the cable provider that has the monopoly over your area. Now, they got you by the cajones, and make you pay for their crappy package plans. I’m sick of these triple play options because I have not needed a home phone since 1998. When was the last time you used a house phone?

They make you pay for their service and then take away programming. How the hell is this even legal? I do not understand how myself, and millions of others, can pay for service and then it is taken away. It’s just funny when very rich people argue with one another about fees and then pull the plug on us peasants.

Thank you for reminding us that nothing is free, which is why we pay for it in the first place. I wish you corporate giants would think of the consumer once in your lives. The only chance we could get their attention would be to pull the plug on those business channels so they can’t stare at the stock ticker all day and count their millions.

Giving the term "2 and a half men" a COMPLETELY different meaning...

I love the movies Major League, Wall Street, and Hot Shots. One thing in common with these movie titles? Charlie Sheen.

Sheen has been in some truly awful films and thanks to his earlier success in his career he had to turn to drugs and alcohol to forget about being in Terminal Velocity, Major League 2, and The Chase. Sheen went to rehab, got out of rehab, married Denise Richards, divorced her, somehow started selling underwear with Michael Jordan and now has a hit show on CBS.

Back in December… Charlie was in rehab again after a Christmas altercation of hitting his current wife and threatening to kill her. I wonder how drunk/stoned you have to be to threaten to kill your wife on Christmas of all days?

Now we are finding out his current wife, Brooke Mueller, was just as silly as Sheen. The couple has now been reported as having three-ways with other women AND MEN as well as doing copious amounts of drugs in the meantime.

I always find it funny when they say “drugs”… like a blanket statement. It was weed and coke for crying out load. It’s not like he had heroin lying around, because you really can’t bang on heroin. In fact, you can’t do anything.

Sheen is an idiot. Hanes has dropped him from the advertisements, and it will only be a matter of time before CBS changes the title to “1 and a Half Men.” Most stars that fall from grace do not get a second chance. Robert Downey Jr…

Sheen has had his second chance and this is what he does with it? Good luck Chuck, enjoy whatever crappy show you score on the USA network… or hopefully, some awful zombie flick that needs a sherriff to be killed in the first 25 minutes.

Maybe they will make Men at Work 2! That way your new job being a garbage man will make the role seem more natural.

That was bad enough.

Nowadays, these families have taken to the streets in a very literal way.  It was not enough for their friends, relatives, and coworkers to have the perfection that is the Jefferson family rubbed in their faces every holiday season.  Now, they need everyone to know about them.  How cute they are.  How perfect.  How f*cking precious they are.

So naturally, a bumper sticker was the next step.

Look! Aren't we perfect?

By this point, you had to have seen at least a thousand of these bumper sticks during your many hours a day out driving the streets.  They are hard to miss.  They reek so violently of wholesomeness that they are impossible to ignore.  Their stench seeps through your car’s air-conditioner like a noxious gas planted inside your engine.  It almost seems that their goal is to make you crash into the back of them at an intersection, just so they can get out and show you how kind and understanding they can be in a wake of a car accident.  Only then will they be fulfilled in their life’s mission to be more perfect than the next perfect family.

Stop me if this is sounding negative.  I just hate these bumper stickers.  And if you are a consistent visitor to this site, you likely hate them as well.  To the less-than-perfect population, they are just so damn hateable.  They are like a middle finger to the drivers and passengers on the road that do not have a spouse who loves them, good-looking kids, and a dog or cat that doesn’t shit on the carpet every day.  You know – the rest of us.

I’ve never been a fan of bumper stickers in general.  But these take the cake.  Then they decorate that cake with a perfect ribbon of the very sweetest frosting, and smother its exterior with Funfetti.  The people who don these bumper stickers wouldn’t eat a cake that was any less perfect.