Every once in a while, something comes along that unites the people of world to a common cause. Thanks to the Internet, this happens far too often these days. And the cause is usually just to waste time.
The most recent example of this is ChatRoulette. If you have yet to experience the “game” of ChatRoulette, consider yourself lucky. ChatRoulette is a hopeless vaccuum of assholes and dicks.
Oh, the excitement
In this so-called “game,” players are randomly connected to a stranger by way of webcam and text chatting. After chatting with one stranger, either player can choose to progress onward to the next stranger. And so on. It’s a potentially endless game, and for many a couch loaf around the world, it probably is.
The assumed goal of ChatRoulette is to have fun meeting people from around the world in a rapid-fire way. You might be sitting in your den somewhere in Wisconsin, and have a life-changing conversation with a random dude from Budapest. Or meet the girl of your dreams who only lives an hour down the road. Or some shit like that.
Bollocks, I say. Almost instantaneously after it’s debut, ChatRoulette was infected by the same terrible disease that makes the rest of the Internet such a damned cesspool: perverts. The whole stinking lot of them.
Upon entering a game of ChatRoulette, you basically sign away your gag reflex for whatever amount of time you can bear to endure. For every halfway-decent, mostly-clothed person you may come across during your ChatRoulette experience, you will see at least six of the following:
1. Dude jerking off
2. Dude preparing to jerk off
3. Dude who just finished jerking off
4. Dude holding a sign asking to see boobs so he can jerk off to them
5. Dude jerking someone else off
6. Dude asking you to jerk off for him
7. A completely dark room (where some dude is most likely jerking off)
ChatRoulette: Reversing evolution one click at a time
This is not a complaint so much as a white flag. Congratulations, perverts. You’ve ruined yet another potentially cool idea. There is no point complaining or asking you to stop. You never will. You will be a pervert until the day you die alone, or are put away for child pornography. These are the sad facts.
Is ChatRoulette worthy of hatred? No. I don’t hate concerts, even though some douche bag will most likely spill his beer on me or hit me in the face and confuse it with dancing. I don’t hate parties, even though some douche bag will likely start a fight or punch a hole in the wall after losing at beer pong. I don’t hate ChatRoulette, either. I just hate the douche bags who spoil the fun for everybody else.
I imagine the only actual perk that comes from jerking off while on ChatRoulette is the chance you might stumble upon another douche bag pervert with his junk out. Then, these two douche bag perverts can jerk off to each other and truly make a connection.
Maybe this was the plan behind ChatRoulette all along – giving douche bag perverts a way to meet other douche bag perverts so they can jerk off together, basking in all their shameless douchery. Maybe the normal ChatRoulette users not interested in jerking off are the real douche bags. Just maybe.
Either way, I propose that they rename “ChatRoulette” to “JerkOffForStrangers.” The douche bags have already won. Let’s just call it a loss and move on to the next one.