Haters Be Hatin'


Playa Hatin’

All I want from the Powerball jackpot is my two front teeth

You never wake up expecting to win the Powerball.  If you do, then you’re more delusional than the OctoMom.  The recent jackpot winner for April 21, will bring home $252 million.  Well at least before the government bends him over and takes about 40% of his cash value ($120 mil) which will leave him with right around $80 million.  This lucky man is Chris Shaw from Missouri.

This real life Beverly Hillbillies story would not be complete if Chris had a full set of teeth.  As you can see from the picture, Chris lacks the ownership of front teeth which he probably lost in a bar fight trying to defend his 500lbs of what he calls a girlfriend.

In an AP article on Yahoo!, he names all the things he wants to do and in the process names about a half dozen kids.  3 kids with 2 different woman and he is with a girl now who has 2 kids of her own.  Be careful buddy, before you know it, you’ll be white hick version of Shawn Kemp.

His boss in the interview was nothing but happy for him. Yeah, (in leprechaun accent) sure I’ll believe that when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.  She says this:

He’s just a great guy, a good employee. When you think of a large winner like this, everyone likes to see that the person who won is somebody like Chris.

What?  Everyone likes to see that the person who won is somebody like Chris?  Really?  Sorry but I disagree.  I think most of the nation is thinking the same thing as me: Stock in Pizza Hut, Bud Light and Marlboro just went up by about 100%.  I would bet that this guy pisses his money away faster than MC Hammer.

The best part is this guy says he’s not sure if he’ll quit his job or not.  Dumbass, you just got done saying you make $7.25/hr.  Why the hell would you return to a job that is giving you under $300/wk?  It’s not like you were CEO of AIG.  Although how quickly your money starts getting wasted, I’m sure a resemblance could be seen.

I’m sorry but fuck Chris Shaw and his $250 million plus jackpot.

Popularity: 1% [?]



Honey, it's not just BritBrit that needs a bra...

Dear Perez,

First off, I love the title of your blog- Celebrity Juice, Not from TMZ Concentrate. I am a fellow blogger and I just had a few questions that I wanted to ask you. I know that you are considered to be a significant hypocritical influence in the celebrity gossip world and I find so many things about this rather intriguing.

For one, with you being someone that bashes every single actor and actress in regards to what they wear on the red carpet… why, oh why, do you dress like a member of In Living Color?

Anyhoo. You posted an article a few weeks back on your Coco Perez website about plus-sized models and how they’re too fat to effectively sell merchandise in magazines and ad campaigns because… oh shit, that reminds me. I loved your rants defending that orca from Precious and her womanly curves and you’re totally right, that “Mushy Farton” really is such a heffer!

I’ve always been amazed at your love for that homewrecker Angelina Jolie. Just because she slept with a married Brad Pitt years ago doesn’t make it “sooooo 2005.” Adopting children the way that people adopt puppies does not make Angie a saint and does little to no good in proving your point of what a man Jennifer “Maniston” is. Just because Aniston, aka Brad’s ex-wife, doesn’t feel like toting around a bunch of multicultural bastard children does NOT make her any less of a woman.

Speaking of women that look like men… how’s your wifey GaGa doing? Oh, and your “princess” Rihanna? We understand your undying love for GaGa considering she has a dick and all her music is consistently at the top of the charts but what’s your deal with “RiRi?” Maybe you can explain why you would ever want to post humiliating nude photos of your princess on your crap blog shortly after her douchebag ex boyfriend “Chris BeatHerDown” brutally bludgeoned her over a text message.

As for your distaste of Kristen Stewart and VaneXXXa Hudgens… please understand a few things, fatty. You can stop bashing these unfortunately accomplished actresses just because their boyfriends won’t fuck you. Not everyone is into dick… especially YOUR fat talentless shriveled schlong. So give it a rest and realize that the closest you’re ever going to get to “P-Ratz” and “Zacquisha” is when you catch a whiff of their fart as they pass your fat ass on the red carpet at the Teen Choice Awards.

On that note- one more thing… No one gives a fuck about your shittastic taste in music. If I wanted to hear crap that should never see the light of day I would plug my headphones into the toilet.

Disrespectfully yours,

CareBear

Popularity: 1% [?]



I’m probably going to be shot by my editor because I Play COD is one of our Radio Show sponsors. That’s right, we have a radio show every Wednesday at 10 PM EST that you can call in and hate with us or just listen.  But I digress… there are just some things that absolutely drive me nuts about Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.

5. Heartbeat Sensor or better known as Baby Monitor

Bitch Attachment

I list this as No. 5 because this can be countered with the Ninja Perk so it’s up to you if you want to fight people who use it and render their “baby monitor” useless.  But nonetheless it’s still so bitch to use this attachment on your gun.  If you want to see where people are, earn the damn radar and get a 3 killstreak. It’s not even a challenge so you can’t use that as excuse as why you have it on!

4. Painkiller Deathstreak

Weak

If you use this perk what you’re telling people is this:  ”I’m a little bitch who can’t kill someone before I die 3 times and the only way I have a chance is if I have a little extra health for the first 10 seconds when I respawn.”  This perk is often found with the above gun attachment as well as some of the other pansy ass shit.  The worst part is there is no way to counter this deathstreak.

3.  Noobtubers

Pussy Shit

Noobtubers (n) are players who habitually only use the grenade attachments on guns because they lack the skill of shooting and aiming and a grenade launcher is much easier as they only have to get in the vicinity of the player.  Players that use this typically have a strong lisp that accompanies their speaking and a high interest in fashion and clothing.  Oh… they may be homosexual as well.

2.  Hackers & Boosters

DENIED

I hate that I work my ass off to be a legit player and then these fuckers go straight to 10th prestige in a matter of minutes because of a hack.  They aren’t as bad as boosters though.  At least you know a hacker because a 10th prestige should never go 1 – 15.  Boosters are the scum of the gaming world.  They should be required to wrap their console in moist wet blankets while they play.  Luckily Sandy Ravage is there to help a little.

Drum roll…. the worst part about COD MW2…..

1. NO DEDICATED SERVERS

That’s right, the one thing pisses me off more than anything is the lack of server support from Activision.  Everyone is blaming Infinity Ward but they should be taking their concerns out on Activision.  These bastards sell $400+ million in first 24 hours and we are stuck with a shitty matchmaking.  Nothing is more annoying than seeing this in the middle of your game:

Sucks for that predator you were in the middle of

Take some notes from Bungie and get back the dedicated servers.

I bitch about this but you know the first thing I’ll do tonight when I get home?  Play a game of some Modern Warfare 2.  That’ll show you Activision!

Popularity: 4% [?]



Hey, didja hear Tiger played golf yesterday? I swear, I honestly believe Jesus could come back and receive less coverage than this club swinger got yesterday at The Masters.

Well, if all the hoopla about the man returning to golf wasn’t enough, the big debate was all about a new Nike commercial that premiered on ESPN. I’m sure you have seen or heard about the new ad, but in short, it’s black and white Woods, with his recently deceased father speaking over the shot.

Check it out below:

A slew of people are upset at Woods, saying that he is capitalizing on his dead father now. I don’t really see this as a moment of him capitalizing but simply as a moment where he is baring himself to the world. Yes, he screwed up. Big. Really big. But he still has a billion in his pocket, and you don’t.

Tiger wants everyone to know that he has screwed up so big that he is willing to use his dead father to scold him in an advertisement. This seems pretty damn personal to me. But then again, when you think about it… Tiger Woods’ father was kind of a scumbag too. I guess it might be a little bit of that old saying, “Like father, like son.”

Maybe Nike should have gone with a different voice-over for the commercial.

You know, something less controversial:

Ahh, but then again… what do I know?

Nike. Just Do It!

Popularity: 1% [?]



The perfect gift for your mom's birthday!

The rumors are true ladies- Tiger has got some major wood and now you can experience having it in YOUR hole! Thanks to Pipedream Products you too can now go for a ride on the Tiger Woods 9-Iron in the comfort of your own home.

Yes, that’s right. There is finally a Tiger Woods love doll and as the box says it’s the “#1 Golf Love Doll.”

I actually wonder if Tiger’s wife will purchase the doll just to remember what having sex with him was like. You know what is kind of funny, the doll actually has a better short game than me. I had a sex doll once and I was embarrassed of it, now I have a sex doll that appears on Gatorade bottles, it is so G.

The truth about the sex doll is wether it slices or hooks, hits a trap or winds up in a hazard, it always gets in the hole no matter how many strokes it takes.

Nick Orlandino, COO of Pipedream says:

“We’re following in the footsteps of Larry Flynt and all of the other porn parodies out there, and the Take Home Tiger is no different. Look for more hilarious products from Pipedream in the future.”

"I love to whack it hard out of the rough..."

And if the Tiger Woods blowup doll doesn’t do it for your Tiger sex fantasies they also offer the “Tuggin Tiger” collectable! It comes complete with awesome marketing slogans like “He Takes A Clubbin’ and Keeps on Tuggin” so these babies are guaranteed to disappear faster than his hoe’s panties!

My only problem with this wind up toy is that there is a 9-iron wrapped around his head. I personally would have used a sand wedge. I’d prefer the sand wedge due to the fact that the wedge has a sharper cut and not only really gets under the balls in play but is great for whacking out of the bush.

Popularity: 1% [?]



Come on Reggie, Ray J could do 100

First, I would like to say you’re hot and forgive me for what I say here, as I know not what I do. $4.8 Million dollar home… are you f*cking serious?  What is the point?  What is the god damn point Kim?  You going to have your sisters move in with you too?  Reggie Bush is reported to be moving in to the recockulous sized “Mediterranean Villa” in Beverly Hills with Kimmy.

Seriously though… what are you preparing for? Another Katrina to have a place for displaced victims of a George Bush made Hurricane because he hates black people?

Popularity: 1% [?]




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