The perfect gift for your mom's birthday!

The rumors are true ladies- Tiger has got some major wood and now you can experience having it in YOUR hole! Thanks to Pipedream Products you too can now go for a ride on the Tiger Woods 9-Iron in the comfort of your own home.

Yes, that’s right. There is finally a Tiger Woods love doll and as the box says it’s the “#1 Golf Love Doll.”

I actually wonder if Tiger’s wife will purchase the doll just to remember what having sex with him was like. You know what is kind of funny, the doll actually has a better short game than me. I had a sex doll once and I was embarrassed of it, now I have a sex doll that appears on Gatorade bottles, it is so G.

The truth about the sex doll is wether it slices or hooks, hits a trap or winds up in a hazard, it always gets in the hole no matter how many strokes it takes.

Nick Orlandino, COO of Pipedream says:

“We’re following in the footsteps of Larry Flynt and all of the other porn parodies out there, and the Take Home Tiger is no different. Look for more hilarious products from Pipedream in the future.”

"I love to whack it hard out of the rough..."

And if the Tiger Woods blowup doll doesn’t do it for your Tiger sex fantasies they also offer the “Tuggin Tiger” collectable! It comes complete with awesome marketing slogans like “He Takes A Clubbin’ and Keeps on Tuggin” so these babies are guaranteed to disappear faster than his hoe’s panties!

My only problem with this wind up toy is that there is a 9-iron wrapped around his head. I personally would have used a sand wedge. I’d prefer the sand wedge due to the fact that the wedge has a sharper cut and not only really gets under the balls in play but is great for whacking out of the bush.

Come on Reggie, Ray J could do 100

First, I would like to say you’re hot and forgive me for what I say here, as I know not what I do. $4.8 Million dollar home… are you f*cking serious?  What is the point?  What is the god damn point Kim?  You going to have your sisters move in with you too?  Reggie Bush is reported to be moving in to the recockulous sized “Mediterranean Villa” in Beverly Hills with Kimmy.

Seriously though… what are you preparing for? Another Katrina to have a place for displaced victims of a George Bush made Hurricane because he hates black people?

There's a big difference between dickslappin' and pimpslappin'

If you thought Chris Brown couldn’t be any more of a raging douchebag… he still manages to surprise. Shocking! Chris Brown sat down for an exclusive interview with Mojo in the Morning and when asked about Tiger Woods’ infidelity and the drama surrounding it… ChrisBeatHerDown manages to make the question about himself.

Here is one of our favorite quotes:

“Whatever his personal life is—and I think this goes for me and him—his personal life is his personal life. Nobody has the right to place judgment or make any judgment on somebody else’s personal life when they’re not directly involved with them,” he continues. “He plays golf. That’s his sport, that’s his hobby, that’s his love, that’s what people love him for. They don’t love him for the other stuff that they talk about. Even with me, I do music, I sing songs, I’m an entertainer, I’m a performer. But people make mistakes.”

Now is it just us or is there not a HUGE difference between a man sleeping around on his wife and a man pulverizing his girlfriend over some skanky text? I mean, it would be one thing if Tiger Woods had whipped out his massive lovestick and smacked the bitches around for awhile before putting it into their holes.

What hole am I on?

For those of you that didn’t hear or didn’t care, Tiger Woods had a press release announcement this morning.  Some may argue that he was sincere in his speech.  Some will say they don’t care.  Regardless of your view point, Haters Be Hatin’ is here to help you translate and read between the lines of Tiger’s Apology Speech.

• Tiger said he has a lot to over come. Translation - I came A LOT
• Tiger Woods said “I need your help”. Translation - If you see me with a good looking white chick, remind me NO!
• Tiger said “I didn’t take performance enhancing drugs. Translation - I’m 31 and don’t have erectile dysfunction.
• Tiger said “my wife didn’t hit me”. Translation – I’m too quick for the bitch to catch me.
• Tiger said he’ll never do it again. Translation - I don’t plan on getting caught.
• Tiger said “I was selfish”. Translation - I always came first.

Tiger ultimately will return to sex therapy because he’s a beaver monger who’s thirst can’t be quenched.

For those that weren’t entertained by the first announcement, Tiger made a second announcement and dropped the act and told everyone the real truths.

And people aren't supposed to think curling is gay??

I have Olympic fever, which is kind of like scarlet fever but with less of a chance of irreversible brain damage. I find myself watching nothing but the coverage of the Vancouver games with every free moment I have. I am also addicted to the stories of the athletes.

Actually, none of that is true, but damn it, I have been watching a ton of curling for the past 2 days. To teach yourself the game of curling check out this link.

I love curling for a few reasons. Mostly because it’s a game that anyone can play. You don’t need to be plucked out of grade school and lose your entire childhood to devote yourself to the sport. You don’t need to train and train… and train some more, only to screw up a little bit… and feel as though you have wasted your entire life.

I always wonder how many Olympians have committed suicide. Curling, I guarantee you has a zero suicide rate. How could you hate a game where this happens.

I am rather sick of the over-hyped skills of the athletes and how the best of the best are the only ones to be recognized at the Olympics. If you are like me then you’ll love this too- I love the fact that the captain of the American men’s curling team is also a bartender. This is what I really love about the game- you play curling because you love it… not because it will change your life. The sport has no money, no fame, and no stars. Just fancy brooms and big stones.

Which is never what life is about.

Ah, the PERFECT family.

Tiger Woods had the weirdest drive of his entire career over the weekend and it did not involve a fairway or a sand trap… but it sure was rough. At 2:20 AM on Thanksgiving night he was found in a car accident outside his Florida home when his Cadillac Escalade hit a fire hydrant after he lost control of his car.

He was alone in the car, and supposedly his wife was bashing the car violently with a golf club… to get him out of his peril. A lot of folks are asking why was he going out at such an hour. Clearly these reporters don’t understand that Best Buy was opening in 3 more hours with Blu Ray DVDs at half price.

Now, after the accident, the flood gates have opened about the truth of the situation. There are lacerations on Tiger’s face that are not from the accident. His wife bashing in the car windows with a golf club had nothing to do with the accident.

This all had more to do with her response of Tiger being involved with some mistress in Australia. Hey, another moment where I once again shout out, “You rock Australia!” The media storm is truly circling because Tiger had become that rare athlete like Michael Phelps in America. The athlete with the squeaky clean image and I think Americans have had just about enough.

You know there are a few people really happy about all of this, and yes, I am one of them! I have had enough of this “king of kings” not involved in hookers and cocaine deals. I like my athletes like I like my friends- full of problems, and a BAC over .10. Tiger Woods has been way too clean for way too long and it’s about time for his star to fall just a little bit.

I wonder if Brewer has a Facebook page.

We need to remind ourselves that no one is pure and innocent and that all of us are just as guilty as the next person. It’s like politicians. I don’t like voting for people not involved in sex scandals and drugs. Because quite honestly, I don’t think they are real people if they say they aren’t up to these shenanigans.

Tiger- congratulations on rejoining society.

You may have more money than I’ll ever see but now I know we can relate on pissing off a woman so much that she tried to kill you.

Want to be Facebook friends?

Nothing much left to say...

I remember it like it was yesterday, watching both Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa chase Roger Maris’s single season home run record in 1998.

The coverage got to the point that local games would be interrupted so we could see either of them at bat. It was thrilling, it was dramatic, and it was everything that baseball needed after the player’s lockout ended the 94 season early.

11 years later, both players are swimming in a pool of steroid allegations, and neither of them have a chance at the baseball hall of fame. Now, Sammy Sosa is trying a new approach, he wants to be white. Yes, I said it- he wants to me WHITE!

Have a look for yourself, from his rookie year to last year, the man is fading at a faster rate than Michael Jackson. He claims it is “some cream.” Even basketball’s great Charles Barkley chimed in on the controversy asking why is Sosa thinking he has to be white to get into the hall of fame. It’s funny, looking at the fiasco here. Sammy actually still wants to play baseball, but I think the only team that might have any interest in him now would be the German female softball team.

"I wanna be like Mike!"

I honestly can’t wait for this steroid era to end. I wonder if A-Rod is going to start to fade as well. I wonder if Kate Hudson will even care? I hope Roger Clemens does hard time for telling people with a strait face that his steroids were his wife’s.

Sammy Sosa is the latest example of how all involved are getting their just desserts, and I hope there are enough spoons going around for everyone to get their fill. Now all Sammy needs are kids sleeping in his bed, dangle some babies, start begging for hardcore sleep medicines, and then people will overlook this whole bleaching thing.

I stumbled across some auditory AIDS over the weekend. You must hear it for yourself- Here Come The Yankees. Never before, after listening to a song, did I consider trying to get a mob together. I do think lynching is wrong, but I think we can now make an exception. I can’t wait for the two “stars” on this song to be innocent bystanders of a drive-by and this track is the only reason that their names are actually mentioned on the FOX local news.

The “artists” names on this dope jam is Fo Onassis and some girl named Mina who will never be Rhianna unless Chris Brown decides to slap her around too. They apparently can only write one verse and one chorus and let the CASIO synthesizer sample music play out the last forty seconds. As a fan of the Yankees, I found this song to be appalling and I hope the Steinbrenner family takes the appropriate action and sues them for everything they’ve got. Sure the Yankees don’t need the money, but I love the idea of the team ending whatever shitty life these posers currently have.

The lyrics are completely cringe inducing. Cringe is a wonderful feeling because you know that what you’re experiencing is wretched but you can’t tear yourself away from the complete train wreck that is going on before you. Sorry Mr. Onassis, you will never make it in the rap game if the best you can do for lyrics is the starting lineup for the Yankees.

What’s next, a salsa tune for the Mets lineup?

October is my favorite month thanks to Halloween, the World Series, and Football.  But this time of the year also brings about a class of individual that I really could do without- The Fake Sports Fan.

These people always seem to stumble out of their cells about now, especially during the baseball playoffs, and every given Sunday.  They want to be social, they want to feel a part of something. That’s nice. Speaking for the general sport loving public… please STAY HOME!

F you POSERS!!!

These people are very easy to pick out and I absolutely loathe them.  The first indicator is a fresh hat.  If the hat looks like it was just picked up that afternoon most likely you are dealing with a fair-weather.  They also never know things that, to me, are very basic rules of the game. For example, the second out occurs and this person thinks it’s the end of the inning.  They think Mark Teixeira’s first name is Monk, that a web gem is the diamond Spider Man gave to Mary Jane, and they never know what’s going on! You ask the guy what just happened, and it follows as “The guy hit it and the other guy caught it.” Thanks, you should replace John Kruk on Baseball Tonight.

Another issue I have… just because you are from a particular area does not make you a fan of that team.  I have seen this numerous times, especially people from Boston.  I’ll watch a Yankee and Sox game and some guy will be cheering for the Sox simply because he is from Boston.  He has no idea who is on the team but he is clapping along anyway like an idiot.  I know the Red Sox line up very well and when you cannot name three players on the team you are clapping for… you are not a fan!

Keepin' it real Bitches!!

The greatest examples of the fake fan are celebrities.  Now there are a few exceptions to the rule, well, actually only two: Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee.  Those two are as die-hard as they come.  Spike Lee was ready to fight Reggie Miller and Jack Nicholson refused to wear a Red Sox hat while filming The Departed.  The rest can please stay in their mansions- with their fresh hats, brand new jerseys that still have the official merchandise tags, while sipping on some Mimosas from the downstairs bar. These people are the holy grail of the fair weather fan.

Just once I want to see a bat fly into the stands and force some movie or show to be re-cast.

"I can't take anymore losses!!!!"

This past baseball season, I have never felt as bad for a baseball team as the NY Mets. Their season was plagued with injuries, hell even Mr. Met needed Tommy John surgery. To make matters worse, their financial system was beginning to look like their record after the all-star break.

The Mets are owned by the Wilpon family and during the past year were reported that they might have to sell the team due to investments with Bernie Madoff. The reported sum was $750 million dollars. Now, according to court reports, The Mets actually MADE 48 million dollars. Now the Mets have the unfortunate feeling of walking into a courtroom where very angry people are demanding their money back, slipping to the front of the line and walking out with a check. Wouldn’t want to be the Wilpon’s limo driver that day.

I would have been happy if the $750 million dollar loss actually happened. It would have taught them a lesson. If a $750 million dollar loss was possible, and you would have to sell the team if you lose on the investment, why would you still invest the money to begin with? You already have acquired billions of dollars, own a sports franchise and maybe even a 1 bedroom in downtown Manhattan, why this need to invest more?

Well… maybe he wanted a parking spot.