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Top 5: GILFs

by BrahptimusPrime on May 17th, 2010

If there is one thing we can all enjoy, it’s a good MILF.  If there is one thing that twisted, perverted assholes can enjoy, it’s a good GILF.

Because we know our target audience, we have compiled a list of the top five most porkable grandmothers.  But let’s be serious, these aren’t your run of the mill bingo hall grannies.   These are some legit GILFs.  The only criteria for selection are being a grandmother and being really fuckable.

5. Emmylou Harris

Emmylou Harris is the George Clooney of GILFs:  her hair is silver and everyone wants to bone her.  In fact, Emmylou may be the most grandmotherly of all the GILFs on our list.  Her look just screams ‘good at baking, better at riding penis’. Is that inappropriate to say about a 63 year old woman? Yes.  Would we still bone her? Absolutely.

4. Goldie Hawn

Goldie Hawn may be the most attractive Jewish-Buddhist in existence, but only the world’s third most attractive grandmother. What she is, though, is smoking hot and the mother of Kate Hudson, that means that there are some attractive genes in her DNA.  On top of that, she has been a bona-fide sex symbol for the last four decades.  All in all, Goldie Hawn is a solid choice for one of the top GILFs.

3. Susan Lucci

Her face may be partially be made up of plastic and she may have been born during the Truman Presidency, but Susan Lucci is still a grade-A GILF.  First off, she is the top dog of soap operas.  She’s the Biggie, Tupac, and Snoop all rolled into one.  But instead of being black and good at rapping, she’s an old white woman with subpar acting chops and an incredible bone structure.

2. Jenny McCarthy

Technically speaking, Jenny McCarthy isn’t a GILF.   But when we are talking about hot grandmothers, technicalities go out the window.  McCarthy was, until recently, linked with the once hilarious Jim Carrey, whose daughter gave birth to her own child in the early parts of 2010.  Her child made Carrey a grandfather and by relation then, made McCarthy a step-grandmother.  And a very boneable one at that.

1. Sarah Palin

She may lack basic reasoning skills and have the IQ of a phone book, but Sarah Palin is hot and a legitimate grandmother.  That means that she birthed a person that later gave birth to another person.  During that timespan, Palin did not lose her attractiveness.  That is an impressive feat.  Lucky for her, stupidity did not play a factor in our rating metric, it certainly would have caused her to lose the number one position.  Yet, her rockin’ tits and Fargo-accent make us want to put her in a few different types of positions.

Honorable mention: This lady.



A Hateful Comment: Family Guy

by admin on November 23rd, 2009

Just when you think Fox’s Family Guy is going downhill with all of the star guest appearances and decreasingly funny side gags etc., they go and do something like they did last night….. and TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES.

Liberal Douche?

Liberal Douche?

Let me preface this by saying that I love Family Guy and think its humor is very smart even though it seems stupid. The one thing that “Grinds my Gears” so bad about Family Guy is not the irrelevant side gags, the stupid way that the story lines never makes sense, or the way that they have been known to almost verbatim copy the Simpson’s story ideas. The thing that really pisses me off, is their preachy, “I know better than you” agenda that they try to push off on everyone. It is almost the same formula every time. Lois doesn’t think something is right, be it gay marriage, legalizing pot, or the existence of God. Brian, being a liberal douche, explains how stupid everyone is who doesn’t agree with him. He then shows, through a situation that Lois can relate to, why she and her point of view are also stupid and then she comes around to see how ignorant she has been and abandons her point of view. The one that pissed me off the most was where Meg believed in God and was born again. Kevin over at Dean’s World explained this perfectly:

See, according to Family Guy, sincere Christians are literally stone-throwing, book burning, irrational fanatics. I’m not engaging in hyperbole here. When the town found out that Brian was an atheist (because Meg felt it her Christianity duty to tell them) the news compared him to Hitler, banned him from various stores, and literally tried to stone him.

"See, It's different when I stereotype people."

"See, It's different when I stereotype people."

Later, Brian confronts Meg outside a church where she and its members are engaging in a jolly book burning, destroying the works of Darwin, Steven Hawking, and a tome titled, First Grade Logic. Brian turns Meg away from her faith by pointing out, essentially, that if God were loving He’d have made her attractive and not placed her in a home where she’s as mistreated as she is.

That is how it ends. Everyone learned their lesson on how stupid, ignorant, and intolerant Christians are and Meg reconsiders her religious views. I know its just a cartoon, but I really love the show and it really pisses me off that they talk down to the audience so much and don’t ever really throw a bone to the other side.

So on last night’s show,  “Jerome is the new Black,” Peter tells Brian that he can’t be their fourth friend because Quagmire HATES him. Brian takes the entire episode to try and befriend Quagmire and find out the source of his animosity. At dinner, after constant prodding about what Quagmire’s problem is, Quagmire lets him have it in this awesome rant, that pretty much sums up everything I have ever thought about the situation. It was so dead on and perfect, it makes me feel thatSeth MacFarlane realizes what a dick he is and what a dick he has made Brian sound like. Watch the rant in the video is below.

Full Text is after the jump Read more »



It is official.

Michelle Duggar’s snatch is a disaster area.

Batter Up!

Batter Up!

The Duggar family have stolen the  headlines away from the Gosselins for atleast a couple days as they have announced that the 42 year old matriarch, Michelle, is pregnant with the family’s 19th child.  The Duggar’s, who are famous for having a bat-shit crazy amount of kids, star in the Discovery Channel’s 18 and Counting, which follows the crazy antics of the day to day life of a family with 18 damn kids.

Michelle and her husband Jim Bob (yes, Jim Bob) had an unfortunate miscarriage many years ago and have vowed to never use any preventative birth measures. That decision sent their life, and Michelle’s vagina, on an unusual journey.  An unusual journey that left her vagina as weathered as a cigar store indian and that involved her birthing over two baseball team’s worth of children.  Dwell on that for a second; enough human beings have exited that woman’s vagina that they could form two seperate baseball teams, of the regulation nine players a side. That is astounding.

It’s safe to believe that the next child to step out of her vagina is going to be dressed in an umpire’s uniform because someone’s got to call the game, right? While that is absurd, it is equally absurd to think that a 19th creature will leave that woman’s body.



It’s midnight. Your best friend and his girlfriend are hanging out with you at the bar. They’ve been bickering all night about the guy she hooked up with before they got back together. Other Dude is not even in the same state anymore but your buddy just can’t let it go. She did start it, though—by making some snide reference to the other guy at a point when your friend’s confidence was just starting to grow legs. Finally, the cacophony of the bar seems to crest and fall silent just in time for her to say:

“He had a huge dick alright?!”

The Birth of Damaged Goods

The Birth of Damaged Goods

Holy shit. You look around. Time stands still and everyone in the blast radius is picking proverbial shrapnel out of their ass. You can see your friend’s teeth clenching but you know he could go the other way and just cry like a little bitch. You can’t even describe what comes out of his mouth. It’s not even sputtering. It’s more of a whining gag noise like when you swallow a bug. You almost laugh because it reminds you of that scene in Ace Ventura. But you don’t, because the room is so tense you’re f*cking swimming through air. The second she said it, everyone’s mind flashed and the Token Loudmouth pipes up, “Dayum!”

Her arms are crossed with a smug grin as she  awaits applaud. There’s none.

And…close curtain. Nobody expects them to stay together. They might as well start looking for other places to live because who wants to hook up with a girl that got poled by Peter North. Jesus… she may have just turned your friend into the next George Sodini. Don’t go to the gym next week, you think, trying to remember if he has any guns.

If only Lisa Turtle knew... Screech would have turned her out like a ho fo sho.

If only Lisa Turtle knew... Screech would have turned her out like a ho fo sho.

A few months pass by and your buddy is still in rehab. He’s starting to regain color but it’s not looking bright. He’s developed an addiction to mommy blogs.

After that you see his ex walking down the street with Dustin Diamond.  You get his autograph and take a picture of them for your blog. You don’t post the photo because your friend has internet access in rehab and he might open up on you someday. You decide to upload the photo through your other friend’s computer and post it on his blog instead. That guy was kind of a douche, anyway.



Oh no, the tit feeding squad is on high alert.

The International Breastfeeding Symbol

The International Breastfeeding Symbol

Management at an Orlando area Chick-Fil-A is under the gun after asking an area woman to cover up while breast feeding her six month year old child.  Although the woman kindly obliged, she returned home to do what any other bitchy woman would do.  She complained to her friends.

Armed with bitterness and some of her closest friends, the group of women staged a ‘nurse-in’ at the Chick-Fil-A to protest the management’s decision and to illustrate that the practice of tit-feeding is protected under the law.  The Chic-Fil-A manager apologized for the incident and also announced that the restaurant will proudly display the international breastfeeding symbol in their establishment.

That’s right the international breastfeeding symbol.  The pinnacle of political correctness.

The International Dickfeeding Logo

The International Dickfeeding Symbol

It seems a little beyond outrageous to expect businesses to place a tit-feeding logo on their door to entice mothers with suckling babies. As a matter of fact, I hope this logo deters a majority of the population from attending these establishments.  The last thing someone wants to experience when they go out for a nice steak would be the lovely sound of a baby ears deep in some boobage.

In protest of this political correctness,  I’m demanding that businesses everywhere place the International Dickfeeding symbol on their door as subtle middle-finger to the political correctness plaguing this great nation.

Alright, I’ll concede that the International Dickfeeding logo will probably not catch on, but there is atleast one thing that Chic-Fil-A can take away from this experience.  And it is something that every man across the globe already knows.  There is only one thing worse than a very pissed off woman.  And that’s a group of very pissed off women.



I may be in love….




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