"I wonder what Beck's picks are for the final four."

March Madness. Let me begin. I am not hating on the last few weeks of the tournament. This is more hatred for the beginning of the madness and how it engulfs the country for a few days prior to the beginning.

I’m sure, you have a bracket in your hand right now and are trying to figure out if you want Villanova or Duke to get into the Final Four. The “what I really can not stand” is how serious some people take this.

Every office has that guy who has WAY too many brackets working at once. He has theories on each one and will tell you about all of them. Look I don’t care. I don’t give a rat’s ass why you think I should give Memphis more respect than Kansas.

The opposite side of this is that co-worker who fills out the bracket, knows not a lick about college basketball (which is mostly who I am) and just goes by the seeds. This person will win sometimes… and that just pisses everyone off.

But lets agree on one thing about March Madness. The first round is pointless. There are schools that get their ticket to the dance and wind up playing Kansas in the first round and get their asses handed to them. It’s a waste of time and energy and the only positive is that games start at 10am and all the bars open for the business. The perfect excuse to be drunk by noon.

Good luck with your bracket! Shit, the President is going with Kansas as well.

This is every man’s dream turned nightmare. Luring a hot girl 22 year old girl in your car away from her friends, doing whatever with said whore in the car whilst you are away, returning her to where you dropped her off with her friends, her accusing you of rape because her friends were busting her balls about leaving them, you going to FUCKING JAIL for 4 years based on her word ALONE.

She's hot, not, 4 years in jail getting raped by other inmates, hot though.

Biurny Peguero Gonzalez did this exact shit back in 2005 and sent William McCaffrey to jail for 4 years. She then came clean 4 YEARS LATER and old dude is finally out of jail. McCaffrey is understandably bitter about the ordeal.

“I was an accused rapist in prison,” he said, adding that in prison, “rape is the worst crime possible.”

I would agree with that, both when you are doing it and it is getting done to you.

So I thinks to myself, I thinks, Well you gotta give her some credit for coming clean on her own and letting the guy out. WRONG! She only came clean after DNA evidence proved she was a lying whore. Normally, because she has no priors, she would have gotten probation for perjury. WRONG! Judge said she was going in for 2-5 years for this heinous BS.

Let this be a lesson to all of you guys. Tape every single sexual encounter you have and make sure your friends are watching.

Someone find us the manufacturer for that chair. It looks hella sturdy.

First off, do not take this article as thinking I’m simply hating on someone for being overweight. I, like you, get easily disgusted by the morbidly obese.

What I can’t stand is when the really obese person is doing absolutely nothing to change their life. I have said this for years. I may be overweight by the classic definition but I don’t do FAT people kind of shit.

What does that mean you ask? If you go out for a seafood dinner and require more butter in ounces than actual seafood, that is a fat person kind of move.

Well, I have officially been disgusted to a point that I am actually offended and really hope someone, somewhere, does us all a favor and pushes this individual into a bus. But not really, because the bus might not be able to take the impact and could affect more lives in the process.

"I thought her pussy stank... it turned out to be a Filet-O-Fish... with fries."

Donna Simpson, from Old Bridge New Jersey, already holds a fat record. She is the fattest woman to ever give birth. I wonder if her daughter is named Precious. This hot mess of a slob also has her very own food eating fetish website. GROSS. Anyway, Donna has decided in her trans fat influenced head that she wants to be 1,000 pounds.

Well, I guess it’s nice to have goals. To want to have heart disease, diabetes, respiratory problems, high blood pressure, cankles, high cholesterol, stretch marks, and an impossible to find vagina, I guess you really are shooting for the stars. Or maybe it was just the star on the Carl’s Jr. logo.

This is disgusting on so many levels. First, this is a world where people are starving and we donate food in cans every chance we get. The fact that this person can even attempt this goal bothers the hell out of me.

Also, there are people who are overweight, and it really is not their fault. For some people they are caught in weight issues from their childhood and are fighting with them well into their adult lives. When someone this useless decides to want a goal like this, we as decent people have to do something.

I say we block this woman from leaving her house and only feed her carrots. It would be like a fat rabbit stuck in its cage. I think we should get Jillian Michaels up there, get her on The Biggest Loser, and kill her in the first week. God I love that show.

You'll get so drunk that you'll puke pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers...

There are a few of you that have read the title to this hate with the assumption that I can’t stand Irish people or Irish pride. This is very far from the truth. I love corned beef and cabbage as much as the next guy and nothing is more enjoyable than a perfectly made Guinness. I just hate the actual day of St. Patrick’s because it forgets anything about Irish pride and sums it all up as get drunk and have green things on you.

Before I reached the age of reason, I enjoyed going out on St. Pats and heading to the city. The funny part is I used to go every year and I would never actually make it to the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

In fact, come to think of it, I have yet to have ever seen a live parade in my life. We would always wind up at some bar that was blocks and blocks away from the actual parade… because all the places near the parade were too packed and the cover charges were totally insane.

It is the one day of the year that bars have cover charges on a Tuesday afternoon and decide that 10 dollars for a Guinness is a perfectly acceptable price. Everyone is drunk, fights are breaking out, and people are making out in the street, and it’s not even noon yet!

It’s like New Years, but at least with New Years… midnight happens and everyone sooner or later goes home. With St. Pats, it just never ends. It’s 3pm and people are getting crazier and drunker and bars don’t cut people off until they actually die on the pool table. Plus, there is green shit EVERYWHERE.

Also, I don’t own green clothing for a reason, but yet you are always required to wear green, so you wind up wearing the worst shirt in your wardrobe simply because it has a green stripe on it. Can’t we just celebrate Irish pride by listening to U2 and having a corned beef sandwich? FYI, green food will equal green puke, every time.

The epitome of class.

Celebrities are a weird lot of drug addicts and crazy people… that also happen to be good looking, in most cases, and usually can act just enough to keep you in your seat at the movies.

They are also responsible for trends, whether it be a certain style of clothing or maybe even a hairstyle. Unfortunately, it is our “celebrities” that seem to shape far too many lives in America. Now, I’ve just read an article that leaves me saying,”Celebrities that bring home the bacon are now taking it too far.”

That’s right folks- pigs for pets. I personally blame this all on Varsity Blues where the linemen of the football team had a pig for a pet, but supposedly Paris Hilton and the Beckhams also have these little fellas in their homes.

The micro pigs are hairless creatures, so that’s good for the hypoallergenic crowd out there… and they keep themselves clean. I wonder if they can be litter trained? Probably. The little piggies don’t grow to the size of a regular pig, so if you’re thinking about getting one just to fatten it up and make a wonderful ham out of it for next Christmas you should invest elsewhere.

I have a rule that I live by in life- if it has ever, and I repeat, EVER, been in my stomach it can not be a pet in my home. This is as retarded to me as when Homer decided to get a lobster as a pet and name him Pinchy. The little micro pigs must be allowed to roam freely in the garden, so this would not be a good city pet. I wonder if my landlord will come up with new wording in my rental agreement: Dogs OK/Cats OK, NO PIGS!!!

I really hope this doesn’t catch on. My girlfriend already has enough 4-legged critters in our home that I don’t know what I would do with walking bacon in the house too.

Really? It took you 50 years to aknowledge your pizza tasted like a can of smashed assholes?

Over the course of my life, I have been known to have a few too many drinks. Hell, even as I write this article I should put down the bottle of Knob Creek that’s in my lap. In drunken moments, I have been known to eat things I would later regret. White Castle being the number one culprit followed by Cheesesteaks, and of course, good ole Domino’s Pizza.

Domino’s, has always been that one reliable company that will get to your apartment quick enough to keep you from thinking that maybe you shouldn’t be eating so late in the first place.

Who would have thought through all those years of eating Domino’s at God awful hours under God awful circumstances… that the pizza tasted like crap. Domino’s recently has decided that they were sick of being labeled “bad food” and changed their recipe to taste better. Who would have thought that fresh ingredients make food better. Crazy idea right?

Well, apparently, the American public has been buying up Domino’s faster than ever. The company has recorded record profits since they released the new recipe. It’s not surprising, they basically went on TV and said, “Yep, we knew it sucked the whole time but you still bought it. Now we are trying our best and would like to hear what you think.”

Go ahead. Bring this piece of shit back. I dare you.

Would you people order a real pizza for crying out loud? Would real pizza places please make an attempt to compete with Domino’s for speed and styles? Also, real pizza places- please stop closing at 11pm! Real pizza money is after midnight and that is why Domino’s does so well. They are the only place open. It’s easy to make money when you are the only game in town.

Please, America, don’t buy Domino’s because they have made, and are boasting about it, a real product. Also, this was the same company that gave us the NOID.

Please, don’t let them think they are popular enough again to bring the NOID back.

Definitely not going to make the fattest... er, fastest getaway.

In clearly the funniest theft I read about this week, a Russian man was caught after he allegedly stole an ATM machine out of a store with the owner watching the entire robbery. The police knew they had their man, not only because of the ATM machine sitting in the back of his BMW, but because of the description of the perpetrator.

He was a sumo wrestler.

The robbery was committed in broad daylight, in Moscow, when the sumo wrestler walked into the shop, picked up the ATM machine, which weighed about 200 pounds… and walked out the front door. The police were alerted and pulled the BMW over… which had no tags and tinted windows.

They quickly discovered the ATM machine in the backseat. The machine still contained its contents of 850 dollars so the police, subsequently, arrested the wrestler and his accomplice.

Who the hell plotted this robbery? A sumo wrestler is not exactly the “Where’s Waldo” of a crowd. People are going to notice him. Period. Also, the execution of this theft was completely criminal. Shopkeepers tend to notice someone stealing their ATM machine…  it’s not exactly Mission Impossible.

Then, you get into a BMW with tinted windows and no tags… because you will blend in with the rest of the traffic? Here’s an idea- don’t go with a sumo wrestler as your “muscles” for a robbery. Clearly, you can not make a speedy getaway.

Good thing you really didn't want to watch the Oscars...

I have just read a story about how Cablevision will be dropping ABC and Disney from its networks unless an agreement is made about revenue between the two companies. Earlier this year, Cablevision was also forced to cut Food Network from its programming for similar reasons. Time Warner Cable and Fox were separating and Direct TV lost the VS channel.

These big cable companies and the big networks, fighting each other over money and who loses? We do.

I hate the cable companies with a passion. First off, you really have no say in the company you get. I don’t understand how in these modern times with phone lines and underground networks, and satellites in space, that choice in cable provider does not really exist.

You could go with satellite but one rainstorm during a big game and you will hate that decision… so you are stuck with the cable provider that has the monopoly over your area. Now, they got you by the cajones, and make you pay for their crappy package plans. I’m sick of these triple play options because I have not needed a home phone since 1998. When was the last time you used a house phone?

They make you pay for their service and then take away programming. How the hell is this even legal? I do not understand how myself, and millions of others, can pay for service and then it is taken away. It’s just funny when very rich people argue with one another about fees and then pull the plug on us peasants.

Thank you for reminding us that nothing is free, which is why we pay for it in the first place. I wish you corporate giants would think of the consumer once in your lives. The only chance we could get their attention would be to pull the plug on those business channels so they can’t stare at the stock ticker all day and count their millions.

Giving the term "2 and a half men" a COMPLETELY different meaning...

I love the movies Major League, Wall Street, and Hot Shots. One thing in common with these movie titles? Charlie Sheen.

Sheen has been in some truly awful films and thanks to his earlier success in his career he had to turn to drugs and alcohol to forget about being in Terminal Velocity, Major League 2, and The Chase. Sheen went to rehab, got out of rehab, married Denise Richards, divorced her, somehow started selling underwear with Michael Jordan and now has a hit show on CBS.

Back in December… Charlie was in rehab again after a Christmas altercation of hitting his current wife and threatening to kill her. I wonder how drunk/stoned you have to be to threaten to kill your wife on Christmas of all days?

Now we are finding out his current wife, Brooke Mueller, was just as silly as Sheen. The couple has now been reported as having three-ways with other women AND MEN as well as doing copious amounts of drugs in the meantime.

I always find it funny when they say “drugs”… like a blanket statement. It was weed and coke for crying out load. It’s not like he had heroin lying around, because you really can’t bang on heroin. In fact, you can’t do anything.

Sheen is an idiot. Hanes has dropped him from the advertisements, and it will only be a matter of time before CBS changes the title to “1 and a Half Men.” Most stars that fall from grace do not get a second chance. Robert Downey Jr…

Sheen has had his second chance and this is what he does with it? Good luck Chuck, enjoy whatever crappy show you score on the USA network… or hopefully, some awful zombie flick that needs a sherriff to be killed in the first 25 minutes.

Maybe they will make Men at Work 2! That way your new job being a garbage man will make the role seem more natural.

A long time ago, a wholesome family’s idea of a good time was sending out Christmas cards with a picture of any kids, babies, or dogs in the family to every address in their address book.  This would be accompanied by a wholesome, unthreatening message such as “Happy Holidays from the entire Jefferson Family!”  They contained enough prepackaged sentiment to kill an ox.

That was bad enough.

Nowadays, these families have taken to the streets in a very literal way.  It was not enough for their friends, relatives, and coworkers to have the perfection that is the Jefferson family rubbed in their faces every holiday season.  Now, they need everyone to know about them.  How cute they are.  How perfect.  How f*cking precious they are.

So naturally, a bumper sticker was the next step.

Look! Aren't we perfect?

By this point, you had to have seen at least a thousand of these bumper sticks during your many hours a day out driving the streets.  They are hard to miss.  They reek so violently of wholesomeness that they are impossible to ignore.  Their stench seeps through your car’s air-conditioner like a noxious gas planted inside your engine.  It almost seems that their goal is to make you crash into the back of them at an intersection, just so they can get out and show you how kind and understanding they can be in a wake of a car accident.  Only then will they be fulfilled in their life’s mission to be more perfect than the next perfect family.

Stop me if this is sounding negative.  I just hate these bumper stickers.  And if you are a consistent visitor to this site, you likely hate them as well.  To the less-than-perfect population, they are just so damn hateable.  They are like a middle finger to the drivers and passengers on the road that do not have a spouse who loves them, good-looking kids, and a dog or cat that doesn’t shit on the carpet every day.  You know – the rest of us.

I’ve never been a fan of bumper stickers in general.  But these take the cake.  Then they decorate that cake with a perfect ribbon of the very sweetest frosting, and smother its exterior with Funfetti.  The people who don these bumper stickers wouldn’t eat a cake that was any less perfect.