Haters Be Hatin'

Don’t Hate On Me


A true legend passed away over the weekend, and no I am not talking about Gary Coleman. Dennis Hopper was one of those actors that I really wish I had met. He seemed like an awesome guy who would buy everyone a drink and an 8 ball, just for the hell of it.

Easy Rider is an American classic, his role in Hoosiers brought him a supporting actor nomination, but it’s his role in Blue Velvet that will forever seal his legacy. In true Hopper form, I sometimes like to walk around with my own canister of laughing gas and repeat my favorite lines from the movie.

Hopper, like most actors, was also in a lot of crap, but he was always the best part of the crap when he was in it. Waterworld would not even be watchable if he wasn’t the leader of the smokers. (side note: The world is covered by water, so where did they get all the cigarettes?) You also have to respect the man for calling Christopher Walken “part eggplant” in True Romance, and of course as the mad bomber in the first Speed movie.

And let us not forget Hopper as King Koopa, in the Super Mario Brothers movie… now that movie was a real pile of shit but again, Hopper stole the show. Then there is my all time favorite Space Truckers, which is one of those direct to DVD jobs where the movie might have worked if the special effects were not so damn distracting.

You see, Hopper was the perfect bad guy because he would do things completely awful and revolting but at the same time he did it with so much charisma the audience had no choice but to admire him. I can only hope to be as cool as Dennis Hopper was for as long as he was. RIP.

The Wii: Bringing Women Orgasms Like No Man Can

Well folks, I’ve officially heard it all now. Amanda Flowers of Manchester England was once your everyday normal citizen until she suffered from a life changing fall… off of her Wii board.

I’m not even going to ask how this dumb bitch managed to fall off her board, considering it only sits about two inches off the ground, but apparently the fall was so intense that she suffered from major nerve damage.

Well now she says that any and all vibrations insanely turn her on, including mobile phones and food processors, causing her to need up to 10 sex sessions a day after her “Wii Fit board turned her into a sex addict!”

She explains:

“It began as a twinge down below before surging through my body. Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm. With no cure I just have to try to control my passion by breathing deeply. Hopefully one day I’ll find a superstud who can satisfy me.”

This crazy nympho has actually been diagnosed with persistent sexual arousal due to the damaged nerve. I have heard of people having accidents with their Wii’s before but this one seriously takes the cake!

So take notes guys- if your girlfriend is frigid in the bedroom and won’t put out or give you the goods… simply wait until the next time she’s shaking her ass on the Wii Fit and knock her Wii Fit’n ass to the ground.

Hopefully, with any luck, she’ll damage a nerve and wind up rolling over to pick herself up off the floor… trip again, and land right onto your dick! Hopefully, they all end up like Amanda Flowers and have a huge hankering and insatiable appetite for Wii Wii’s.

Update: The Wii Fit has suddenly experienced a sudden surge in sales.

Stop lying to yourself. You're not that big.

I hate condoms as much as the next guy, but I use them every time because, damn it, I like having a back up plan. I’m not ready for any side effects of unprotected sex… plus my girlfriend turns into the exorcist when she takes the pill.

Well, it turns out that a lot of men are having problems with condoms not fitting right and we all know what happens when condoms don’t fit right. Hell, the linked article above said it perfectly, “Ill-fitting condoms not only make sex less fun, they also raise the risk of infection of diseases like AIDS and pregnancy, researchers say.”

That above statement is funny on so many levels. First off, condoms make sex less fun to begin with, let alone when they are ill-fitting. When they are ill-fitting, I would imagine the sex would be downright depressing because the entire time the guy is probably a nervous wreck.

Also, according to the above article, pregnancy is a disease on the same level as AIDS, which I couldn’t agree with more. Lets face it, both of them result in the end of your life. I would love to meet these researchers. I want to know what extensive research they did to come up with the above statement.

So I have the solution. Guys, are you ready? You are not a Magnum, stop pretending. There is a reason the condom isn’t snug, and it’s because you are inadequate. It’s because the condom is not for you. Not every prick is meant to be in adult movies. Deal with it.

It would help if there was a size chart or a way of making it not embarrassing to purchase smaller sizes… which is why all pharmacies need a self-checkout lane. Pharmacies- you accomplish these three things: size chart, self-esteem, and self-check out, and I guarantee we can start saving lives and start something we need to work on in this country… population control.

Long John Silvers Value Meals Just Decreased

All of you are probably freaking out right now about this gulf oil spill. Big fucking deal, who cares? It was said 1,000 barrels at first but now BP COO Doug Suttles says it could be closer to 5,000 barrels.   Again, who the hell cares?

Let’s just put this day on our calendar as free deep fried fish day and make it a holiday.  Long John Silvers should really step up to the plate and offer a 50% off deal during oil spills.  People are all worried about the animals and what will happen to them as the oil will be burned off to get rid of the evidence… I mean accident.

Top 5 Animals Likely Affected from Oil Spill

5.  Sharks

Ummm I don’t know about you but the fact that this could result in less sharks that could attack me while swimming means I’m in favor of an oil spill on a monthly basis.  I think we’ve all seen Jaws and thanks to that movie I now know when I hear “deh deh deh deh” I need to get out of the water.

4. Brown Pelican

Oh you had to throw Brown in there to make it a race thing, didn’t ya? Doesn’t phase me!  Brown Pelicans just came off of endangered species list last year so this is not new territory for them.  They know how to deal with being a minority.

3. Menhaden and marsh-dwelling fish

Oh man this has me right in the ticker.  Out of all the animals that could be affected, this one touches me the most… wait WTF are Menhaden and marsh-dwelling fish?

2. Beach-nesting and migratory shorebirds

So the lovely beaches that we like to lay and tan on won’t have these pestering birds flying down for the winter and planting their eggs in our sand? Again, does anyone else see an issue with this?

1. Shrimp, Crab and Oysters

Ahh finally something that actually means something to people. I change my entire mind about this whole oil spill now. If it means I won’t be able to go to Oyster Bar Thursday at my local seafood bar or that I’ll have to pay double the amount, we need to figure this out ASAP.

This whole situation reminds me of Free Willy 2.  All we need is a killer whale and a wall of rocks.

A farmer? Or a terrorist? You decide!

Those Slumdog Millionaires have now thought of a genius way of fighting fire with ass fire. That’s right folks, the Indian people are taking their hottest peppers and are going to use them in tear gas.

The Ghost Chili, which holds the Guinness record of the world’s spiciest pepper, will now be used as a base for tear gas and smoke grenades. This is great news and I really hope Tabasco somehow gets involved.

The ghost chili is basically pure fire in bite and will knock out anyone who dares to eat it. What I love is that the Indian people use the chili to cure stomach ailments and fight the blistering heat. I really don’t understand the individual that says, “Whew, it’s 110 degrees out here, someone order up some ghost chili wings.” What I can’t wait for is when the mob controls the chili racket. “You want these chilis, well, you’re gonna have to pay for them.”

What I kind of love about the use of a pepper as a weapon would be that it’s almost the same tactics as a prank on someone. It’s like that scene in Dumb and Dumber when they load up the peppers on the hitman’s burgers and they wind up killing him. I wonder if we can start somehow playing ring and run on people and when they open the door, the bag of poop explodes and the fecal matter in the bag contains H1N1.

I have a lot of good ideas! Someone get me to the CIA… I bet I could finish this whole fiasco with a whoopee cushion filled with strychnine.

I actually don’t have a true definition of Nu-Metal, but basically it was a sound that crossed rap and metal. I have never understood it either but that is what the genre is known as and during the late 90’s and early 2000’s it was the dominant sound in the hard rock/metal community.

Check out the sounds below:

Bands like Korn, Limp Bizkit, Deftones, Linkin Park, Incubus, Slipknot, and Disturbed ruled the scene and true metal heads were absolutely disgusted. I wasn’t though, I loved all those bands at the time and even rocked a red backward Yankee hat. Yup, one of those moments you look back and say to yourself, “Wow, I was a fag.”

It would only take a few years for the scene to have a re-emergence from real metal bands and the Nu-Metal scene would die a quick death. Incubus changed to mellow rock, Slipknot dropped any form of rapping, Deftones moved their sound forward and Disturbed is still around… for some God awful reason. The true champions of this sound, Korn and Limp Bizkit, have been dormant for some time but 2010 will see new records from both of them.

If you once wore these then you just might be a hippie emo loser now.

I actually hope they are huge success stories and then JNCO jeans can come back. If you don’t remember JNCO, they were the jeans with legs so big you could successfully smuggle two midgets wherever you wanted. If midget smuggling was your thing. Okay. That might have just been me.

I really thought Korn and Limp Bizkit were awesome in 1997 and I am actually really looking forward to both of their new albums in 2010. New Limp: HERE New Korn: HERE. God, I am pathetic and sad. In fact, I’m going to try to find the red Yankee hat I had in 1999 and look like a true idiot again.

All I am asking is, please don’t hate on them because of your own guilty view of your past. Embrace the fact that you heard Nookie and thought it was dumb but fun and that the intro to Blind still gets you pumped up til this day. But we can all agree that Papa Roach sucked and their biggest hit, Last Resort, was stolen from Green Day.

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