Haters Be Hatin'

Don’t Hate On Me

If there is one thing I’ve learned about the game of baseball it is that women have no right being on the field. I don’t care if this used to be your playground. Please, get the hell back to your dolls and your dainty tea parties.

Eri Yoshida

I wonder what else this little shit can do with balls.

If you need more proof of this, anytime girls get to throw the first pitch at baseball games, it always turns into a complete joke. I love how you hear the crowd in the video laughing at her.  Hell, Shawn Johnson is a gold medalist and this is the best even she can do. Then I read about Eri Yoshida, the 18-year-old Japanese sidearm knuckleballer, who recently made her US debut.

Now, this is impressive on many levels.

First, unlike the other Japanese pitchers who have come into the league, there is no doubt that this player is a girl. Second, she is a freaking sidearm knuckleballer, which equals being impossible to hit and even harder to hit on successfully. In Japan she is known as the “knuckle princess” which is funny because I thought that honor went to a famous Japanese porn star in the fisting genre.

I really hope this little girl makes it to the pros, signs a huge contract with the Red Sox and has her televised debut against the Yankees. She takes the mound in a relief situation, has runners at the corners and A-Rod is up. She gets an 0-2 count and when she lofts another delicious hanging knuckler over the plate, A-Rod tattoos that son of a bitch right over the green monster.

Good luck Princess!

I hate it when I’m pulled over and have to pretend that I’m as sober as an Amish kid on Sunday. I know my alphabet backwards more than forwards and I have practiced walking a straight line so much that you would think I’m training to be a tightrope walker.

DUI Walking the Line

Obviously illegal and obviously drunk!

What can I say? I like to party. Well enough people with Mafia ties like to party in New Jersey that now the cops are going to need an interpreter just to pull people over if suspected of driving under the influence.

A new New Jersey law states that if an officer is going to arrest you for drunk driving they must read you your rights in the language that you understand and speak. This is a great idea mainly because… if I’m going to be pulled over I’m just going to pretend that I don’t speak English. That way when I get to court the case is thrown out because my rights were read in Polish.

There are over 150 languages spoken by New Jersey drivers but yet everyone understands the middle finger. I think that we need our officers to be effective communicators while tasing a drunken Mexican. We don’t want those fuckers on the highways anyhow.

So let’s start handing those Rosetta Stones out to the troopers and everyone else start learning new ways to get out of those DWI’s. It’s not like those worthless pigs are doing any good in Newark, Jersey City, or Union City anyhow…

You gotta hand it to Stephen Slater, the Jet Blue flight attendant who quit his job the other day.

Stephen Slater Gay

"Peace out bitches!!!"

In a nation where someone flips out at their job and kills a few people before blowing their own brains out, isn’t it refreshing for someone to lose their cool responsibly?

Stephen Slater did something we all wish we had the balls to do- quit our jobs in a blaze of glory. Screw references. Forget recommendations. Take this job, shove it up your ass, and someone give me a cold beer.

If you’re hating on Slater you have not really worked a day in your life. The silver spoon is still stuck in your ass and you look down on all the people who serve you in any capacity.

Most likely you are a shitty tipper too! Also, please, while the plane is coming to a halt- just sit the fuck down! You are not important and do not deserve to get off the plane before anyone else does. I don’t care if your connecting flight does leave in 20 minutes!

Slater has now become an Internet sensation and most likely will go to jail for a few years because of all those “no shenanigans at the airport” kind of laws. Thanks a lot Bin Laden. Slater is a hero in my book right next to Batman, Spiderman and Darkwing Duck. I hope he gets a beer sponsorship deal somehow and I hope he doesn’t have to work another day for the rest of his life.

I know what you’re thinking… but hear me out on this. I wrote previously that I was sick of all the Lebron hype over where he was going to play next season.

Lebron James Jersey Burning

Save your lighter fluid and just burn Cleveland to the ground.

The decision he made was Miami and the whole country is in quite a tizzy over this bullshit. South Beach threw a party that had everyone out on their faggy Vespas til the wee hours while Cleveland turned literally into ruins overnight. Not that the residents of Cleveland really noticed any changes. Seriously.

I personally commend Lebron for several reasons. First off, the man took a pretty steep pay cut to follow his dream of winning an NBA championship. He is crazy rich to begin with so to be even crazier rich was not a concern to him. It must be nice to look at 30 million dollars as unnecessary. Fucker.

He also turned his back on his hometown fans and told them they were worthless… in not so many words. His jerseys were on fire in the streets and people were seen crying in bars. No doubt, because they just realized that they all still live in fucking Cleveland.

I hope they win several championships in Miami and that Cleveland just turns into its older brother Detroit. I hope Lebron sells his home at a tremendous profit while all the homes near his go into foreclosure. I hope the owner of the Cavs, who had this interesting rant, never lives up to his promise.

Cleveland sucks. Miami is so much cooler and if you want honesty and devotion in sports… you pussies are in the wrong place.

I love Mel Gibson. First, he decides to kill Christ. Then he tells Hollywood they are all a bunch of Jews responsible for wars. Now, he wants his ex baby mama to get gangbanged by the Ghana Soccer team.

Mel Gibson Mugshot

Don't you know to never fuck with a Russian, Mel??

His ex, Oksana Grigorieva, is being a real classy lady and releasing the audio of his racist rampage for everyone to hear in all of its honest glory.

He goes on by insisting that he has “been so nice” and that she is a real “cunt.” He then goes for the home run with “I will come to burn down the house but you will blow me first!” This is my kind of guy! Supposedly, in the audio you can hear the little brat, who is the cause of all this drama, screaming in the background. I actually was secretly hoping to hear Mel yell at the baby too and call it an unfaithful mix-breed.

Where does Mel go from here? As far as I’m concerned- the sky is the limit! He clearly has no intentions of being a movie star, or for that matter, giving his old friend Danny Glover a ride to the airport anytime soon.

Hopefully, the audio will be available on iTunes and I can turn this gem into my new ringtone by the end of the weekend.

True love is blind they say and it’s flat blackout blind when it comes to Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin.

Just think... if Levi doesn't drop him on his head and kill him he might be President one day!

This week the world’s most famous hillbilly couple, named after a NASCAR track and a pair of jeans, announced they would be putting the past behind them for the sake of their 1-year-old son, Tripp, or Trigg, or Transmission or whatever the fuck they named it.

I applaud the couple for doing the right thing and now they have officially decided to ruin the kid’s life forever. Tripp might have had a winning shot with Levi out of the picture but now those weekends hunting with grandma will surely be shortened.

Tripp’s manager has no comment on the story but Bristol and Levi’s managers have stated that the couple are trying to relocate what they felt for each other so they can be good parents. Sarah and Todd also announced that they have taught Bristol how to be tolerate of other people all the while constructing that 14-foot-high fence around their home.

I hope that Levi teaches Tripp the tricks of the Johnston family… like knowing where to buy the most Sudafed where the DEA can’t track you and finally dispelling that old theory of “smelting it” and “delting it.” And Bristol will teach Tripp how abstinence leads to babies and how grandma is batshit crazy.

God bless their reunion and I can’t wait for the reality show that should be on MTV any day now.

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