You gotta hand it to Stephen Slater, the Jet Blue flight attendant who quit his job the other day.

"Peace out bitches!!!"

In a nation where someone flips out at their job and kills a few people before blowing their own brains out, isn’t it refreshing for someone to lose their cool responsibly?

Stephen Slater did something we all wish we had the balls to do- quit our jobs in a blaze of glory. Screw references. Forget recommendations. Take this job, shove it up your ass, and someone give me a cold beer.

If you’re hating on Slater you have not really worked a day in your life. The silver spoon is still stuck in your ass and you look down on all the people who serve you in any capacity.

Most likely you are a shitty tipper too! Also, please, while the plane is coming to a halt- just sit the fuck down! You are not important and do not deserve to get off the plane before anyone else does. I don’t care if your connecting flight does leave in 20 minutes!

Slater has now become an Internet sensation and most likely will go to jail for a few years because of all those “no shenanigans at the airport” kind of laws. Thanks a lot Bin Laden. Slater is a hero in my book right next to Batman, Spiderman and Darkwing Duck. I hope he gets a beer sponsorship deal somehow and I hope he doesn’t have to work another day for the rest of his life.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I know what you’re thinking… but hear me out on this. I wrote previously that I was sick of all the Lebron hype over where he was going to play next season.

Save your lighter fluid and just burn Cleveland to the ground.

The decision he made was Miami and the whole country is in quite a tizzy over this bullshit. South Beach threw a party that had everyone out on their faggy Vespas til the wee hours while Cleveland turned literally into ruins overnight. Not that the residents of Cleveland really noticed any changes. Seriously.

I personally commend Lebron for several reasons. First off, the man took a pretty steep pay cut to follow his dream of winning an NBA championship. He is crazy rich to begin with so to be even crazier rich was not a concern to him. It must be nice to look at 30 million dollars as unnecessary. Fucker.

He also turned his back on his hometown fans and told them they were worthless… in not so many words. His jerseys were on fire in the streets and people were seen crying in bars. No doubt, because they just realized that they all still live in fucking Cleveland.

I hope they win several championships in Miami and that Cleveland just turns into its older brother Detroit. I hope Lebron sells his home at a tremendous profit while all the homes near his go into foreclosure. I hope the owner of the Cavs, who had this interesting rant, never lives up to his promise.

Cleveland sucks. Miami is so much cooler and if you want honesty and devotion in sports… you pussies are in the wrong place.

Popularity: 2% [?]

I love Mel Gibson. First, he decides to kill Christ. Then he tells Hollywood they are all a bunch of Jews responsible for wars. Now, he wants his ex baby mama to get gangbanged by the Ghana Soccer team.

Don't you know to never fuck with a Russian, Mel??

His ex, Oksana Grigorieva, is being a real classy lady and releasing the audio of his racist rampage for everyone to hear in all of its honest glory.

He goes on by insisting that he has “been so nice” and that she is a real “cunt.” He then goes for the home run with “I will come to burn down the house but you will blow me first!” This is my kind of guy! Supposedly, in the audio you can hear the little brat, who is the cause of all this drama, screaming in the background. I actually was secretly hoping to hear Mel yell at the baby too and call it an unfaithful mix-breed.

Where does Mel go from here? As far as I’m concerned- the sky is the limit! He clearly has no intentions of being a movie star, or for that matter, giving his old friend Danny Glover a ride to the airport anytime soon.

Hopefully, the audio will be available on iTunes and I can turn this gem into my new ringtone by the end of the weekend.

Popularity: 1% [?]

True love is blind they say and it’s flat blackout blind when it comes to Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin.

Just think... if Levi doesn't drop him on his head and kill him he might be President one day!

This week the world’s most famous hillbilly couple, named after a NASCAR track and a pair of jeans, announced they would be putting the past behind them for the sake of their 1-year-old son, Tripp, or Trigg, or Transmission or whatever the fuck they named it.

I applaud the couple for doing the right thing and now they have officially decided to ruin the kid’s life forever. Tripp might have had a winning shot with Levi out of the picture but now those weekends hunting with grandma will surely be shortened.

Tripp’s manager has no comment on the story but Bristol and Levi’s managers have stated that the couple are trying to relocate what they felt for each other so they can be good parents. Sarah and Todd also announced that they have taught Bristol how to be tolerate of other people all the while constructing that 14-foot-high fence around their home.

I hope that Levi teaches Tripp the tricks of the Johnston family… like knowing where to buy the most Sudafed where the DEA can’t track you and finally dispelling that old theory of “smelting it” and “delting it.” And Bristol will teach Tripp how abstinence leads to babies and how grandma is batshit crazy.

God bless their reunion and I can’t wait for the reality show that should be on MTV any day now.

Popularity: 1% [?]

RIP

A true legend passed away over the weekend, and no I am not talking about Gary Coleman. Dennis Hopper was one of those actors that I really wish I had met. He seemed like an awesome guy who would buy everyone a drink and an 8 ball, just for the hell of it.

Easy Rider is an American classic, his role in Hoosiers brought him a supporting actor nomination, but it’s his role in Blue Velvet that will forever seal his legacy. In true Hopper form, I sometimes like to walk around with my own canister of laughing gas and repeat my favorite lines from the movie.

Hopper, like most actors, was also in a lot of crap, but he was always the best part of the crap when he was in it. Waterworld would not even be watchable if he wasn’t the leader of the smokers. (side note: The world is covered by water, so where did they get all the cigarettes?) You also have to respect the man for calling Christopher Walken “part eggplant” in True Romance, and of course as the mad bomber in the first Speed movie.

And let us not forget Hopper as King Koopa, in the Super Mario Brothers movie… now that movie was a real pile of shit but again, Hopper stole the show. Then there is my all time favorite Space Truckers, which is one of those direct to DVD jobs where the movie might have worked if the special effects were not so damn distracting.

You see, Hopper was the perfect bad guy because he would do things completely awful and revolting but at the same time he did it with so much charisma the audience had no choice but to admire him. I can only hope to be as cool as Dennis Hopper was for as long as he was. RIP.

Popularity: 1% [?]

The Wii: Bringing Women Orgasms Like No Man Can

Well folks, I’ve officially heard it all now. Amanda Flowers of Manchester England was once your everyday normal citizen until she suffered from a life changing fall… off of her Wii board.

I’m not even going to ask how this dumb bitch managed to fall off her board, considering it only sits about two inches off the ground, but apparently the fall was so intense that she suffered from major nerve damage.

Well now she says that any and all vibrations insanely turn her on, including mobile phones and food processors, causing her to need up to 10 sex sessions a day after her “Wii Fit board turned her into a sex addict!”

She explains:

“It began as a twinge down below before surging through my body. Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm. With no cure I just have to try to control my passion by breathing deeply. Hopefully one day I’ll find a superstud who can satisfy me.”

This crazy nympho has actually been diagnosed with persistent sexual arousal due to the damaged nerve. I have heard of people having accidents with their Wii’s before but this one seriously takes the cake!

So take notes guys- if your girlfriend is frigid in the bedroom and won’t put out or give you the goods… simply wait until the next time she’s shaking her ass on the Wii Fit and knock her Wii Fit’n ass to the ground.

Hopefully, with any luck, she’ll damage a nerve and wind up rolling over to pick herself up off the floor… trip again, and land right onto your dick! Hopefully, they all end up like Amanda Flowers and have a huge hankering and insatiable appetite for Wii Wii’s.

Update: The Wii Fit has suddenly experienced a sudden surge in sales.

Popularity: 1% [?]