A new year means new laws, and this year is no exception. Most states are now going to implement a new law that it is illegal to text message while operating a vehicle. Now, we all know that we stopped using our cell phones while driving because the police finally had an excuse to pull white people over… and now this takes the cake.
I text to avoid talking to people, and a lot of folks out there are right there with me. I hate voices, they irk me, they usually carry tones and inflections that I don’t want to even notice. Text messages save me from this problem on a daily basis.
Now, for one, why is TWD’ing dangerous in the first place? I’m not talking on the phone… which is what they used to pull me over for. I’m typing. I do not see the problem here. The lawmakers are saying that the drivers are distracted. Well, how come there is no law about consistently having to look around for police officers while driving?
Every time I drive I am looking around to everything else except what is in front of me… looking for cops trying to pull me over. I would say I am more distracted by the chances of excessive fines and penalties over any text message.
Now to my last point, how the hell do you enforce this? Cops are going to be going around looking for drivers that are looking down? What if I’m trying to find a song on my iPod? Wouldn’t that be just as bad as texting and as distracting? “Officer… I wasn’t texting. I was just trying to find this specific Beatles song.”
Also, if you are texting while driving… text safely. I’m sure the New York State Department of Public Health has a pamphlet in the works for this one as well. You know… just like their Safe Use Of Heroin Pamphlet.
"You'd be grumpy too if you were surrounded by six idiots and a gold-digging b*tch all day!"
In an Australian psychology study, it was determined that being in a bad mood is actually good for you. It was proven that people who were considerably miserable were better thinkers. This is wonderful news for someone like myself that has been told by others that I need to smile more. The report also showed that grumpy people are less likely to be gullible and better at decision making. I have never found myself to be a miserable person, but I can be quite grumpy. But I have always had a knack for ordering quickly at a restaurant and not being one to follow the herd on any particular idea.
Happy people… how are you doing out there? How are you with your slow decisions and wasteful thinking? Just like I thought. See, it pays to be grumpy. Even Grumpy from the seven dwarfs knows what I’m talking about. The other dwarfs were all about getting a nice white girl in the place and working with them. Grumpy always knew that bitch was up to no good.
You ever notice how happy people always want to spread their disease on you as well? God that’s annoying. They say, why aren’t you smiling? I didn’t know that was required of a human being… to smile non stop. I think people who are consistently happy are in the largest case of denial on the planet. They say life is too short to be miserable, I say it’s too long to be happy all the time.
It is impossible to consistently be in a good mood. And seriously, how the F can you be happy when the entire world is going to shit. There is constant war in the Middle East, the health care reform will never work, the upper one percent will always have their boot on our collective throat, and you expect me to be F’in smiling on Monday morning after the Giants had their asses handed to them. F U!
(For the record, huge smile on my face as I wrote this, A$$holes!)
Yes, ladies and gents... THIS is how you shoot up properly!
I have few simple pleasures in life: a little baseball, a cool breeze, and a hot dose. Yes, folks, I do enjoy a little heroin here and there. It really is the bees knees. If you haven’t tried it yet, you do not know what you’re missing out on. It’s one of the rare drugs that gives you an amazing high and doesn’t shut down your motor skills.
Heroin is actually more like a superfuel and makes the body work better. Take all you know about heroin, which for me is from Trainspotting and Requiem for a Dream, and throw it out the window. Also, if you are a first timer to the wonderful world of shared needles and filthy veins, then let me tell you that we all have some help now… thanks to the New York State Department of Public Health.
The NYSDPH, I don’t know if that is how they shorten their name, but damn it that’s what I’m using, released a pamphlet of 10 tips to doing heroin safer back in 2007, and it’s just now finally being talked about on the news.
In case you are wondering… this pamphlet was approved while Elliot Spitzer was in office. Man that guy knew how to party. You would actually think that a safer heroin pamphlet would only be approved by a blind man (current NY Gov. Paterson). I love this pamphlet so much, it really gets down to the nitty gritty and doesn’t sugar coat anything. For example, tip number 1 is- “Don’t Overdose” and I couldn’t agree more. Overdosing sucks and I don’t recommend it to anyone.
The other ten tips are really helpful as well. Don’t share your needles, as much as sharing is caring, sharing AIDS is not caring at all. You should take care of your veins, and I’ve always said you take care of your veins and your veins will take care of you (wink wink). You should get tested and see your doctor about hepatitis and your HIV status, cause we all know heroin users all have full health care coverage.
I have to disagree with tip number 9, which asks to get treatment for depression. If you are doing heroin how does that equal depression? It’s clearly the other way around bucko! My favorite tip is tip number 10, which says to ask for help to stop using. See, the most pointless part of heroin, the whole stoppage of use part, is saved for last.
What I want to know is how come there is no part on the pamphlet about purchasing? There is no tip about finding a reputable dealer nor are there tips on making sure they are not an undercover police officer.
Now, this is what I would like to call the greatest idea ever presented, ever! Don Lewis, a former pro wrestler, has started the All American Basketball Alliance League and he is looking for a few good men to play for it.
The league will be comprise from 12 cities, will have low prices, and will be white only.
Yes, I said that, white only basketball. This whole civil unity has gone on long enough, and amazing man Don Lewis has seen the promise land from the mountaintop. The NBA, with all of its talent and color has dominated for far too long… and we need to get back to basics. Lewis wants basketball that is back to fundamentals and less akin to the “streetball” that he insists originates from people of color and foreigners.
Now, a lot of you are screaming “racist” at me and Mr. Lewis… but I say you are wrong. The NBA with its flashy slam dunks and amazing plays are purely coincidental because of the skin color of a player, and Mr. Lewis has figured this out before the rest of us even realized it. He really would like to bring us back to the good ole’ days when bathrooms were separate and fire hoses did more than just put out fires, if you know what I mean.
He’s bringing us back to when basketball was not just about talent, but whether you were white or black, and of course, as we all know, the most talented players in any league are clearly white people. You don’t believe me? I know I can name 5 white players currently playing. Steve Nash, that heavily tattooed guy on the Nuggets, uh, ummmm… Ginobili (but he’s a foreigner)… uh……
During the past week, John Edwards, the former US Senator from North Carolina, admitted that he had a love child and was the father of 2 year old Francis Quinn Hunter. No one in the political media was surprised by the admittance of John being the father, since everyone already knew about the affair he had with Rielle Hunter.
I just want to be the one voice that John needs on his side- stop hatin on Edwards.
First off, his wife has been diagnosed with cancer. Cancer is so not sexy or hot and I really can’t blame him for finding a greener pasture. You ever try to get it on after a chemo session? It’s not exactly easy to pull off or get off. Plus with all the pressure from his whole impending Presidential campaign and lying to the media bit, you can’t blame a man for wanting a side piece.
Why are the Republicans giving him so much shit for having the affair? He is a good looking man, a true southern gentleman, and he’s quite clearly a Democrat who is pro-life. Also, after Edwards left office, North Carolina went Republican with Richard Barr.
The Republican party should be buying Edwards a new car seat.
Now I don’t want to be an ungracious winner, but I think thats TOTALLY WHAT I’M GOING TO BE.
After nearly a year of Harry Reid, Barrack Obama, and Nancy Pelosi, essentially telling the American people to fuck off, we finally see light at the end of the tunnel. Tonight Scott Brown (R) was elected to Ted Kennedy’s seat in the US Senate… Which means that the Democrats no longer have a filibuster proof majority in the Senate and now are unable to plow through anything they want.
I want to take this moment in this short post to give a big F U to the Democrats in Congress who have continually acted like they know better than everyone else. Listen to the people. This is just a preview of next November.
During these tough economic times we all do what we can to save a couple of dollars. Maybe it’s keeping the heat off for as long as humanly possible, or clipping and using more coupons than usual. I, myself, have done something that I could not think was possible… I have switched to Natty Light.
To me, for the longest time, “Natural Beer” was always that super cheap beer that I never drank because I looked at a $8 12-pack as not even being drinkable. I love good beer, heavy full body beers from all around the world. Most of these beers are not cheap, in fact, most of them are downright expensive.
But during these times… I had to do what most of you out there have done. I made a switch to a cheaper alternative. So… I’ve welcomed Natty Light into my life with open arms.
Look at that sleek design, the crisp taste and the relaxing finish. I love their ad campaign where the company basically understands that people buy their beer in bulk. I love the Natty Caddy, which is a mini hand truck that holds multiple cases of the brew. I actually want to get one.
Is this sad? I don’t think so. Also, for the same price is Natty Ice, which is almost double the alcohol.
You don't see people hatin on the smurfs for being blue. Just sayin...
A friend of mine was asking me to write a hate piece on the new film Avatar and I told him no. I will not. There is a great deal of bad buzz on the film because the aliens of the movie are blue. I actually find it funny that I hear more people talking shit about this movie than a lot of other movies and yet I think I was the only one telling the entire world not to see Saw 6. Let’s review a few things about Avatar and then let me ask you… “Why is there so much hate for the film?”
First off, everyone needs to stop hating on James Cameron, the film’s director. Yes, he made Titanic. Ok, so we are all blaming him on the Kate and Leo love story and the fucking awful song from Celine Dion? What we are all forgetting is, that under all that stuff, it was a pretty bad ass disaster movie. Watching the events in the movie unfold, as far as the disaster was concerned, it seemed extremely authentic. Also, the man made Aliens, Terminator 1 and 2, The Abyss, True Lies, and of course Piranha 2, so the man knows how to make kickass action/sci fi.
Who gives a shit that the aliens are blue? Really. Blue is that big of a deal? This bullshit reason, at a time, when every other film to scroll across the screen is a remake, reboot, or sequel. The least of our problems is that the people in the movie are blue. I personally think the movie looks weird and original and hopefully the 15 year absence Cameron took from directing will be rewarded to us on the screen. Hey, even if it is a flop, at least Schwarzenegger will be out of California and we finally get our sequel to True Lies, cause I’ve been waiting to see Tom Arnold in a movie since The Stupids.
No matter how many showers he takes, he will never look clean.
Let me start out this post by saying I am not generally a big Jack Black fan. He is fat, has greasy hair, and I sometimes think that if I look at him too long I will get gonorrhea of the eyes. To me, he is one of those actor/comedians that doesn’t quite make it to funny all the time. Its like he is just at the cusp of the Make You Laugh Canyon and he doesn’t have enough “it” to jump in. It is almost funny. You are watching one of his movies and he delivers a punchline and you say to yourself “I see why that would be funny, I know that it should be funny, but I just can’t get a laugh to come out.” It almost makes you chuckle but not quite.
With that being said, I recently got the video game Brutal Legend from GameFly on the recommendation of a hard core gamer. It looked really stupid, and I am NOOOOOOT into heavy metal at all. I shit you not though, this game was amazing. I play video games (Xbox 360) quite a bit and I am somewhat of a picky bitch when it comes to what I like and what I don’t like. Oh, some of my favorites? Knights of the Old Republic, Halo 3, Bioshock, Grand Theft Auto, Command and Conquer, Tom Clancy’s End War. I was really surprised that I loved this game so much because it is so not how video games are typically made. It combines so many different types of game play, its really well written and thought out, has lots of big name stars in it, and is really centered on having fun instead of worrying about your health meter, number of lives, or conforming to a specific type of game. In many ways it is a lot like Grand Theft Auto in control and game play but it has multiple other elements too.
Game Play
The game play, the game play, oh my GOD, the game play. The best thing about this is that on top of its sandbox style gameplay where you can explore the entire map, choose your side quests, and decide when to do missions, it also has a large real time strategy (RTS) component to it. Several times throughout the game you have a “Stage Battle” that switches the game into RTS mode where you collect fans (resources) that allow you to build and command an army of characters, upgrade their status, upgrade your stage, and fight against bosses. The multi-player version of the game is just the stage battles. They have it set up for random matchmaking against other players or against the AI by yourself. You can play with a friend on your team as well against the AI or others. The other different game play feature is that if you complete different side quests you can get fire tributes (Money) to buy upgrades to your weapons, cars, special powers, paint jobs, and other miscellaneous stuff.
The shittiest thing about the game play experience is that like all other games in this genre, the camera determines what direction you go in, and generally speaking, it will decide for itself. If the camera is are looking forward then right is right and left is left. Very simple. But its when you are trying to watch an enemy and move that the ordeal starts. It is IMPOSSIBLE to back up. To fight with someone and back up cannot be done because you have to point the camera in the direction you want to go. So you have to turn around, go as far as you want, and then turn back around to fight your enemy. When you are walking it is not that bad, but when you are driving and not just going forward it is a huge pain in the dick. There is this one part of the game where you have to drive around in a circle to capture this metal beast. You have to control the camera, the steering, and dick with the buttons to release fire from your exhaust. If you don’t have complete control of the camera, it “fixes itself” and then right turns to left and you are going the wrong way. Its manageable but in situations where you have to maneuver it is less than helpful.
Story and Characters
Useless but awesome Cameo by Brian Posehn
You control Eddie Riggs throughout the game who is played by Jack Black. He is a cool death metal roadie that gets sent to another universe (honestly they reference going back in time but that doesn’t make any sense) to try and save the humans there. It is a good story all the way through with solid characters and a ton of cameos.
One of my favorites both in this game and in real life is Brian Posehn, who plays the master hunter. Ozzy Osborne is of course in this and you can actually understand him sans captions. The most appropriate is Tim Curry as the chief villain Doviculus. No one can play an evil snarky bad ass like Tim Curry. All of the cameo characters look like the real life people and the other characters are really well done too.
I’m sure everyone does this, but you know how when you are playing a game and one of the other characters says something stupid, you insert your own dialog?
Your sidekick: “We have to save the Princess!!”
You: “No f*cking shit.”
Or like after you beat a hard boss you flick them off and curse them out? Well one of the things that makes it for me in this game is that Jack Black actually does this as Eddie Riggs it has partially redeemed him in my eyes. He flicks off bosses, throws out the occasional, “What the Fuck?” and makes sarcastic comments to other characters throughout the game.
With the big name stars doing the voice overs, the well written story and dialog, it’s really as if a movie crew made this game instead of a game design studio and is pretty clever all the way through. Rent it or buy it, it is defiantly worth trying.
Forty years ago, two computer techs from UCLA and Stanford came up with an idea of sending information from two computers. One tech wrote the letters, L, then O, and then G. The other tech received the first two letters and the system crashed on the G attempt. This was the first ever instant message and, thus, the Internet was born. So now, let’s talk about the 5 awesome things about the Internet.
Cable Modem
5. Cable modem. Remember dial up? Some of you do… some of you don’t. The younger ones probably have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, which is making me feel old.
All you young ones that get pissy at a page taking 10 seconds to load you don’t know how good you have it.
You spoiled brats!
Porn
4. Porn. This one is easy because buying and viewing porn used to be a dirty thing. Now it’s commonplace AND FREE!! It almost seems that if you are not looking at porn on the Internet… then what the hell are you doing on the net to begin with… Doing work? Reading for information? Shopping online? Banking? Submitting for scholarships? Taking an online college course?
Yeah…
What a waste of the technology.
YouTube
3. YouTube. There was once a time when stupid kids who pretended to have a Jedi duel with themselves where only viewable if you were the unfortunate parent to walk in on them playing in the bedroom. Not anymore.
Also- what would this crazy little world be like without Youtube losers to mock and make fun of?
Now we all get to enjoy the crazy people of this world thanks to this amazing website.
During these tough economic times we all do what we can to save a couple of dollars. Maybe it’s keeping the heat off for as long as humanly possible, or clipping and using more coupons than usual. I, myself, have done something that I could not think was possible… I have switched to 
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