Haters Be Hatin'

Celeb Slander

What? You thought we would just let this one go unscathed, dipshit? Lindsay Lohan, America’s favorite soon to be dead wannabe lesbian has-been celebrity, was just sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating probation.

Lindsey Lohan Jail Sex

"Oh noooooo!!! That's 90 days without Botox!!"

The one question burning on everyone’s mind is… how many gooey vagina tacos can Lohan put down in 90 days?

The star gave a tearful apology to the judge, which was supposedly as unconvincing as her terrible acting. The judge said that she needed to understand the severity of her actions and I totally agree.

I still want some sort of severance package after seeing I Know Who Killed Me. Hopefully, this will give the slutbag cokehead star exactly what she needs- a good old fashioned prison rape!

"I know who killed Bill!"

I can’t wait for Lohan to come out of prison and master the art of winemaking. I’ve heard that Lohan “Toilet Merlot” with its full tannic flavor and slightly earthy textures will go perfect with any alcoholic SCRAM bracelet. Say what you will… but the wine has to be better than Herbie: Fully Loaded Part 2.

Hopefully, she’ll get her classless scabby little hands on some nice long sheets in da clink’ and hang herself David Carradine style.

I know that the MTV Movie Awards aren’t exactly the Oscars… even the Razzies have more street cred than this shitshow but what gives? The rabid Twilight fans helped New Moon sweep an award show that included a segment where  J-Lo dances with a make-up enhanced, overweight, bald Tom Cruise and I couldn’t tell who was who.

"Damn, Kristen... and I thought werewolves smelled like shit."

As much as I loved the books, I really think that these Twilight movies are nothing but massive piles of shit and New Moon reached a level of awfulness that I didn’t think was achievable. What the hell are you “tweens” thinking when voting for Best Female Performance? This Kristen Stewart bitch does not know how to act. Not just as an actress. She can not even “act” like a functional human being.

Prime example: her acceptance speech for “Best Kiss” at the MTV Movie Awards:

First off, the twat nearly falls on her face simply standing up from her seat. She has a hard time with basic motor skills and then the mouth opens and nothing but gold flies out! What is up with her God-awful awkwardness and her blatant panic attack that she’s about to have on stage? She says, “it takes a lot of smoke and mirrors to make us look good kissing.” Honey, there are not enough smoke or mirrors in the world to make your acting look good so who gives a shit about kissing?

Seriously, someone give Tay-Tay and the pale glittery kid some Oscars quick. I didn’t realize pretending to care about this rapidly blinking hot mess for 2 1/2 hours commanded so much technique. Now, I do.

Just like in the real world, there is coke running rampant on the Jersey shore and no it’s not Snooki trying to find something to mix the Captain Morgan with.

Jersey Shore Cast Members

Orange you glad you don't live in NJ?

Supposedly, while filming the new second season of Jersey Shore, an unnamed cast member has been hitting the slopes… and we don’t mean Mount Vernon.

The term “Sand to the Beach” rightfully applies here when the producers of MTV’s hit show decided to move the location to South Beach, Miami. One of the cast members has been rumored to be sniffin’ it up when the cameras were not rolling. I am actually stoked about this because now, like in real life when I go to a party, I can play that fun game of trying to guess who is on cocaine.

I can’t wait for that obvious moment when everyone is just chilling in the living room and JWOWW is furiously trying to get in touch with seven different people in 4 minutes via the “duck phone.” I really hope it’s not Ronnie. He’s got enough juice in him to light up all of South Beach as is and I think we all secretly hope it’s not Snooki.

My money is on Sammie Sweetheart because she is that typical girl from Jersey that screws over The Situation, dates a lug head, and does enough blow that she wakes up one day with 3 kids and can’t believe she married Vinny.

Coming soon to a television near you- "Whores"

Celebrity news is all abuzz with the shocker that a new celebrity reality show is in the works and it will be hosted by none other than Skkkankalicious Michelle McGee and Tiger’s fourth alleged mistress Jamie Jungers.  I wonder if Ma and Pa Jungers are proud of their little go-getter.

Now, when I first heard this rumor I thought to myself what could the show possibly be called? Skanks on Ice? Hoes Digg’in Dirt? Fill in the Hole? Cocktail Waitress Nazis? Could always keep it simple and just call it Whores.

The new show that is currently being shopped around Los Angeles is actually called Celebrity Cheaters by the original creator of Cheaters, Bobby Goldstein. According to Goldstein’s pitch, “Celebrity Cheaters” will try and “catch celebrity cheaters with their pants down… one of the first [Cheaters] cases that I ever had to turn down involved Ike Turner.” Is this guy nuts? Didn’t he see What’s Love Got to Do with It? I would stay the hell away from Ike or else I’d be getting the belt.

Trying to express his rationale behind a celebrity version Goldstein goes on to explain:

“Then, a few weeks ago, a colleague of mine in TV thought this [could offer] some utility for the young women who’ve found themselves cast aside by these gentlemen they’ve had these affairs with. I thought, let’s turn them into converts who are willing to preach the gospel, and have them restore their integrity.”

Ironically, McGee once applied to be on “Cheaters” to try to trap an ex. She was denied. Hopefully, Bombshell and Jungers don’t have crazy success with the show and can go back to doing what they do best- sucking dick. You know… nothing special.

"I'm a man baby!"

The worst part of this picture of Shauna Sands is that it looks like she’s been bathing in a bathtub full of cheeto dust. Oh, no wait. That’s NOT actually the worst part. The worst part is that her lips are so stretched out that her trout pout looks like she just got done blowing an elephant.

What in the hell is this bitch thinking? Was it THAT bad being married to Lorenzo Lamas that you have to go and make yourself look like Prostitute Barbie? Jesus Shauna… with a face like this I can only imagine what your rode hard and put away wet pussy smells like.

Or is this just a still from her new Whoville movie? Maybe she’s replacing Janice the Muppet or auditioning for a transvestite oompa loompah. Whatever the case may be… someone PLEASE call Heidi Montag and tell her that she too will eventually look like she got caught in the back of an airplane engine fan if she keeps heading down the path that she is currently on.

"Two in the pink and one in the stink!"

Oh, Jesse James can you be any more of a fucktard? First, you cheat on America’s sweetheart with what can only be described as a tattooed anorexic albino, then you follow that up with 12 volumes of the same fetish. This whole fiasco just keeps popping out more crazy shit about the Nazi loving scum of the earth.

Not that it is any surprise but Jesse James has more than 12 homemade sex tapes and NONE of them are with his wife Sandra Bullock. Seriously, everyone is giving Tiger crap for his ordeal, but at least his whores were not representing the slaughtering of millions of people.

Earlier yesterday Radar Online obtain an anonymous exclusive interview with a source that not only dimed out Jesse and his tapes but also gave a quite disturbing description of what the sex tapes consist of.

The source claims:

“Most of the tapes feature a mass amount of Nazi paraphernalia. It’s all really quite disturbing. What I saw was a naked woman on her knees and Jesse in a Nazi hat waving his arm in a salute. It looked like the woman’s hands were bound. He was shouting and singing and appearing to swig from a bottle of bourbon every now and then. They could end up being made public just like the photo of Jesse giving the Nazi salute. There’s no doubt some of these tapes could leak and end up on the Internet.”

And I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they do! I am also sure I will be the first to add them to my hard drive just so I can add in a funny soundtrack. My first idea was the music to The Blindside, but on second thought, I think just the fast wacky music from Benny Hill will have to do. Apparently, in one of the videos he is seen drinking a bottle of bourbon… please, oh please, don’t let it be Knob Creek. The shit is expensive as is, I don’t need it getting its status upgraded.

But if James is obsessed with Nazi fetish sex, as he clearly is, I really hope he finally makes the porno version of Shindler’s List and calls it Shindler’s Wrist. And hopefully, it will be a fisting movie.

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