Haters Be Hatin'

I know what you’re thinking… but hear me out on this. I wrote previously that I was sick of all the Lebron hype over where he was going to play next season.

Lebron James Jersey Burning

Save your lighter fluid and just burn Cleveland to the ground.

The decision he made was Miami and the whole country is in quite a tizzy over this bullshit. South Beach threw a party that had everyone out on their faggy Vespas til the wee hours while Cleveland turned literally into ruins overnight. Not that the residents of Cleveland really noticed any changes. Seriously.

I personally commend Lebron for several reasons. First off, the man took a pretty steep pay cut to follow his dream of winning an NBA championship. He is crazy rich to begin with so to be even crazier rich was not a concern to him. It must be nice to look at 30 million dollars as unnecessary. Fucker.

He also turned his back on his hometown fans and told them they were worthless… in not so many words. His jerseys were on fire in the streets and people were seen crying in bars. No doubt, because they just realized that they all still live in fucking Cleveland.

I hope they win several championships in Miami and that Cleveland just turns into its older brother Detroit. I hope Lebron sells his home at a tremendous profit while all the homes near his go into foreclosure. I hope the owner of the Cavs, who had this interesting rant, never lives up to his promise.

Cleveland sucks. Miami is so much cooler and if you want honesty and devotion in sports… you pussies are in the wrong place.

If there is one American legacy that we can all be proud of it is that we are the fattest nation in the land. No, I do not mean fat with a PH you hip hop induced idiots… but more like Orca fat.

60 pound woman photo

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!"

We love to consume and consume and consume to a point that when a Golden Corral opens up you would think Bon Jovi was in town with the number of cars in the parking lot.

Meet, Lizzie Velasquez, a 21 year-old woman who has some rare condition that leaves her unable to gain weight. Talk about not fitting in! She eats like everyone else and gorges up to 5,000 calories a day sometimes but still fits into a size -5. When she was a baby, born prematurely, she was dressed in clothes that were fit for dolls. I wonder if the American Girl line was also too big for her?

She has written a book that weighs more than her and is currently touring the country trying to promote self-esteem and empowerment. Good for you Lizzie! But at the same time, if people want to be like you, I think you are setting a bad example.  Girls are constantly trying to be thin like their idols and I think if they start copying Lizzie it could spell doom for the country… right Tori Spelling? Nicole Richie?

If the book tour doesn’t work out at least you can always work in Hollywood. Schindler’s List 2. IN 3D!!!

Is he going to New York? Is he staying in Cleveland? Will Miami be his new home? I’m so over this gay shit with Lebron this and Lebron that. I just want him to break his ankle walking up to the podium for his hour-long press conference.

Lebron James Dick

"Shit nigga, you know I ain't sayin yet..."

One hour to tell people where you are playing next year? How slow do you fucking read, asshat?

The whole world, or more importantly, the few people who still watch basketball will be tuned in to see if James wants to stay in that shithole Cleveland or move his jump shot to another location. I kind of hope he goes to New York but instead of the Knicks he joins the cast of Phantom of the Opera. Imagine what those Nike Muppets would be like on Avenue Q!

Jay-Z wants him to join the Nets and give Lebron his own clothing line, which like his sneakers, will be made by very hard working 9-year-olds. Maybe Lebron will be sensible and take a pay cut… but I think we have a better shot of Lindsay Lohan showing up at a cash bar.

I’m just happy that after tonight, no matter what, all the attention on one athlete will be over. At least until Brett Favre decides to sob all over a microphone again when that pussy announces his retirement for the millionth time.

Where, oh where… will this bastard child go????

What? You thought we would just let this one go unscathed, dipshit? Lindsay Lohan, America’s favorite soon to be dead wannabe lesbian has-been celebrity, was just sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating probation.

Lindsey Lohan Jail Sex

"Oh noooooo!!! That's 90 days without Botox!!"

The one question burning on everyone’s mind is… how many gooey vagina tacos can Lohan put down in 90 days?

The star gave a tearful apology to the judge, which was supposedly as unconvincing as her terrible acting. The judge said that she needed to understand the severity of her actions and I totally agree.

I still want some sort of severance package after seeing I Know Who Killed Me. Hopefully, this will give the slutbag cokehead star exactly what she needs- a good old fashioned prison rape!

"I know who killed Bill!"

I can’t wait for Lohan to come out of prison and master the art of winemaking. I’ve heard that Lohan “Toilet Merlot” with its full tannic flavor and slightly earthy textures will go perfect with any alcoholic SCRAM bracelet. Say what you will… but the wine has to be better than Herbie: Fully Loaded Part 2.

Hopefully, she’ll get her classless scabby little hands on some nice long sheets in da clink’ and hang herself David Carradine style.

Enough is enough. I’m so fucking over 3D. First, every movie is getting the 3D treatment and now the dimension is coming to the world of video games.

3D Video Porn

3D birthing video games? I hope you choke on the placenta.

I actually hope this kills a few kids so it can finally go away. I seriously am contemplating forcing some epileptic retarded youngster into playing one of these 3D games to help my cause. Hopefully, he’ll foam at the mouth so hard that he’ll actually choke on his own tongue.

The first question I have is… what will 3D really do for the gaming experience? I know these Call of Duty maggots are going to want this bullshit in droves so they can finally feel fully submersed into their fake little battle zones. Just pathetic.

You want something cooler, assholes? Get off the couch and go outside. IT’S IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION!!

I’m sorry- no one and I repeat, no one… looks cool in 3D glasses. Put 3D glasses on R Patz and none of you idiots would want anything to do with him. Thankfully, Nintendo nerds have the smarts to realize this and they’re trying to perfect a technology on their handheld DS for 3D… without the glasses. Finally, you can have your 3D experience, in your pocket, wherever you go… as your existence becomes completely useless.

I love Mel Gibson. First, he decides to kill Christ. Then he tells Hollywood they are all a bunch of Jews responsible for wars. Now, he wants his ex baby mama to get gangbanged by the Ghana Soccer team.

Mel Gibson Mugshot

Don't you know to never fuck with a Russian, Mel??

His ex, Oksana Grigorieva, is being a real classy lady and releasing the audio of his racist rampage for everyone to hear in all of its honest glory.

He goes on by insisting that he has “been so nice” and that she is a real “cunt.” He then goes for the home run with “I will come to burn down the house but you will blow me first!” This is my kind of guy! Supposedly, in the audio you can hear the little brat, who is the cause of all this drama, screaming in the background. I actually was secretly hoping to hear Mel yell at the baby too and call it an unfaithful mix-breed.

Where does Mel go from here? As far as I’m concerned- the sky is the limit! He clearly has no intentions of being a movie star, or for that matter, giving his old friend Danny Glover a ride to the airport anytime soon.

Hopefully, the audio will be available on iTunes and I can turn this gem into my new ringtone by the end of the weekend.

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