Being a kid in the city must be hard. First, you have to be fluent in three different languages to get through grade school and bullet prices are not coming down anytime soon.

Now even the rich of NYC are trashy people.

Now, if you want to cool off in the summer you have to swim in a dumpster. That’s right, the city of New York has decided to make dumpsters into swimming pools across Park Avenue. Just think, now you can do a few laps in the same dumpster that was the final resting place of a few good hookers.

I wonder who came up with this crappy idea? My guess is the dumpsters needed to be thrown away… but just like when you try to throw away a trash can, the garbage men ignore it.

Seriously, you ever try to throw away a garbage can? It’s impossible. Dear Trashman- why else would I leave an empty trash can in front of my house that smells worse than Lindsay Lohan… in the daytime?

This is easily the first time ever that pissing in the pool would be considered proper behavior. I’m curious if the pools will be frozen over in the winter so that way dwarfs and midgets can finally get their hockey league off the ground.

One thing is for certain, if they are looking for a new dumpster to turn into a pool… may I recommend a nice ballpark that no one cares about in Flushing, Queens.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Target sure has its bull’s eye set on one group of people. Those pesky gays. Target recently donated 150,000 dollars to MN Forward, a pro-business group that also happens to support anti-gay Minnesota gubernatorial candidate Tom Emmer.

TarGAY!

Now the retail giant has picket lines full of angry queens. It’s bad enough I hate going to Target on a normal Saturday afternoon, now I have to fight through the cast of Glee just to get my stupid red cart.

Target has already lost a decent amount of money because of the donation and gay rights groups would like to see them suffer more. I personally hope this makes Target make smarter choices in the future… like donating money to gay rights as well as finally making their stores easier to shop in. Why the hell does it take so long to find a sales associate who also does not know where anything is in the store? Good luck finding one that even speaks English.

While I am at it… please get rid of those stupid red balls at the entrance. No one is going to drive a truck bomb into a Target. If anyone were to bomb a retail giant it would have to be Wal-Mart. Speaking of which… Wal-Mart has to be pleased by this Target backlash and now has more gay friends than a Vermont fitness trainer.

I say, “Fuck Target” and all those asswads that call it Tarjay. Hopefully, by the end of this bullshit… Target will be renaming their store to “TarGay’ just to stay relevant in the business world.

Popularity: 1% [?]

In case you haven’t heard about it- the beginnings of Facebook are coming to a theater near you. The film, entitled The Social Network, arrives on October 1^st and I hope it’s a huge giant massive-ass flop.

There's a lot of people Masturbating...

Remember kids… if this shit makes money then we get the Myspace and Twitter movies to complete the trilogy. Which I’m sure they’ll cast the talented stars from the Twilight films in them… who can’t even memorize more than 160 characters per scene.

What the hell could the plot of this stupid film even be about? The guy who invented Facebook stole the idea from someone else and that guy defriends him? I wonder how long the main character will be able to leave his relationship status as single until his girlfriend makes him change it to “In a Relationship.”

I wonder if there will be a tagged photo of one of the main characters but they are not even in it. The rest of the film is one man’s desperate search though all of his friends’ pictures to see if they were tagged in anything else to ensure that everyone from high school never learns what a fatass he has become? Or maybe it’ll be about stupid Facebooking tweens catching their crushes “stalking” their pages with the help of their ultra cool Facebook tracker! Or maybe they’ll even stumble upon a photo of their mother making out with their Uncle Steve at a drunken party.

Does any of this sound exciting? FUCK NO. I wonder if while the movie is running you can see the notifications in the upper left corner go off and the chat run on the bottom of the screen. I will not see this shitbag movie and I don’t care that David Fincher is the director. His last movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, was such a complete bore it’s no wonder that his following movie is about fucking Facebook.

Mark Zuckerberg has already made enough money off of selling your personal information to outside sources… don’t make the little bitch even richer. DO NOT SEE THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MOVIE!!

Popularity: 1% [?]

You gotta hand it to Stephen Slater, the Jet Blue flight attendant who quit his job the other day.

"Peace out bitches!!!"

In a nation where someone flips out at their job and kills a few people before blowing their own brains out, isn’t it refreshing for someone to lose their cool responsibly?

Stephen Slater did something we all wish we had the balls to do- quit our jobs in a blaze of glory. Screw references. Forget recommendations. Take this job, shove it up your ass, and someone give me a cold beer.

If you’re hating on Slater you have not really worked a day in your life. The silver spoon is still stuck in your ass and you look down on all the people who serve you in any capacity.

Most likely you are a shitty tipper too! Also, please, while the plane is coming to a halt- just sit the fuck down! You are not important and do not deserve to get off the plane before anyone else does. I don’t care if your connecting flight does leave in 20 minutes!

Slater has now become an Internet sensation and most likely will go to jail for a few years because of all those “no shenanigans at the airport” kind of laws. Thanks a lot Bin Laden. Slater is a hero in my book right next to Batman, Spiderman and Darkwing Duck. I hope he gets a beer sponsorship deal somehow and I hope he doesn’t have to work another day for the rest of his life.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I know what you’re thinking… but hear me out on this. I wrote previously that I was sick of all the Lebron hype over where he was going to play next season.

Save your lighter fluid and just burn Cleveland to the ground.

The decision he made was Miami and the whole country is in quite a tizzy over this bullshit. South Beach threw a party that had everyone out on their faggy Vespas til the wee hours while Cleveland turned literally into ruins overnight. Not that the residents of Cleveland really noticed any changes. Seriously.

I personally commend Lebron for several reasons. First off, the man took a pretty steep pay cut to follow his dream of winning an NBA championship. He is crazy rich to begin with so to be even crazier rich was not a concern to him. It must be nice to look at 30 million dollars as unnecessary. Fucker.

He also turned his back on his hometown fans and told them they were worthless… in not so many words. His jerseys were on fire in the streets and people were seen crying in bars. No doubt, because they just realized that they all still live in fucking Cleveland.

I hope they win several championships in Miami and that Cleveland just turns into its older brother Detroit. I hope Lebron sells his home at a tremendous profit while all the homes near his go into foreclosure. I hope the owner of the Cavs, who had this interesting rant, never lives up to his promise.

Cleveland sucks. Miami is so much cooler and if you want honesty and devotion in sports… you pussies are in the wrong place.

Popularity: 2% [?]

If there is one American legacy that we can all be proud of it is that we are the fattest nation in the land. No, I do not mean fat with a PH you hip hop induced idiots… but more like Orca fat.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!"

We love to consume and consume and consume to a point that when a Golden Corral opens up you would think Bon Jovi was in town with the number of cars in the parking lot.

Meet, Lizzie Velasquez, a 21 year-old woman who has some rare condition that leaves her unable to gain weight. Talk about not fitting in! She eats like everyone else and gorges up to 5,000 calories a day sometimes but still fits into a size -5. When she was a baby, born prematurely, she was dressed in clothes that were fit for dolls. I wonder if the American Girl line was also too big for her?

She has written a book that weighs more than her and is currently touring the country trying to promote self-esteem and empowerment. Good for you Lizzie! But at the same time, if people want to be like you, I think you are setting a bad example.  Girls are constantly trying to be thin like their idols and I think if they start copying Lizzie it could spell doom for the country… right Tori Spelling? Nicole Richie?

If the book tour doesn’t work out at least you can always work in Hollywood. Schindler’s List 2. IN 3D!!!

Popularity: 2% [?]