Eat a dick, Philly.

The birds are beginning to chirp again, the trees are looking to blossom and that wonderful game of baseball is back in full swing. Last year, the biggest name in American sports won their 27th world title, and now it’s looking like they are well on their way to their 28th. That’s right bitches, the Yankees.

One thing that I find funny, is that the whole country hates the Yankees with a passion. It’s like this- you are either a Yankee fan or you hate the Yankees more than anything. That’s fine with me, but you should find other things to hate on… like the Phillies.

The Yankees have helped make baseball go from its 2 billion a year business to its current almost 7 billion dollars in revenue. In that time, the Yankees have made themselves one of the most recognizable logos in the world and have turned themselves into a multi-billion dollar empire.

When the Yankees hit the road and visit other teams, the huge turnout by displaced Yankee fans is enormous. It helps tourism in these cities and helps with attendance in these ball parks. It’s always a site to see when there are more Yankee fans in Toronto than Blue Jay fans.

So why all the hate? The Yankees are good for baseball and good for baseball owners. Unless, you are in the top ten of payroll baseball teams, you welcome the Yankees coming to your town because it helps sell tickets and food.

I think the main reason people hate the Yankees is because a good chunk of Yankees fans are overzealous dirtbags. You don’t hate the team because they win, you hate the team because a friend of yours just won’t shut the hell up when they do.

It’s ok Pittsburgh Pirate fans, one day they will end that crappy organization and you can just resort to the Steelers for the entire year.

The epitome of class.

Celebrities are a weird lot of drug addicts and crazy people… that also happen to be good looking, in most cases, and usually can act just enough to keep you in your seat at the movies.

They are also responsible for trends, whether it be a certain style of clothing or maybe even a hairstyle. Unfortunately, it is our “celebrities” that seem to shape far too many lives in America. Now, I’ve just read an article that leaves me saying,”Celebrities that bring home the bacon are now taking it too far.”

That’s right folks- pigs for pets. I personally blame this all on Varsity Blues where the linemen of the football team had a pig for a pet, but supposedly Paris Hilton and the Beckhams also have these little fellas in their homes.

The micro pigs are hairless creatures, so that’s good for the hypoallergenic crowd out there… and they keep themselves clean. I wonder if they can be litter trained? Probably. The little piggies don’t grow to the size of a regular pig, so if you’re thinking about getting one just to fatten it up and make a wonderful ham out of it for next Christmas you should invest elsewhere.

I have a rule that I live by in life- if it has ever, and I repeat, EVER, been in my stomach it can not be a pet in my home. This is as retarded to me as when Homer decided to get a lobster as a pet and name him Pinchy. The little micro pigs must be allowed to roam freely in the garden, so this would not be a good city pet. I wonder if my landlord will come up with new wording in my rental agreement: Dogs OK/Cats OK, NO PIGS!!!

I really hope this doesn’t catch on. My girlfriend already has enough 4-legged critters in our home that I don’t know what I would do with walking bacon in the house too.

Really? It took you 50 years to aknowledge your pizza tasted like a can of smashed assholes?

Over the course of my life, I have been known to have a few too many drinks. Hell, even as I write this article I should put down the bottle of Knob Creek that’s in my lap. In drunken moments, I have been known to eat things I would later regret. White Castle being the number one culprit followed by Cheesesteaks, and of course, good ole Domino’s Pizza.

Domino’s, has always been that one reliable company that will get to your apartment quick enough to keep you from thinking that maybe you shouldn’t be eating so late in the first place.

Who would have thought through all those years of eating Domino’s at God awful hours under God awful circumstances… that the pizza tasted like crap. Domino’s recently has decided that they were sick of being labeled “bad food” and changed their recipe to taste better. Who would have thought that fresh ingredients make food better. Crazy idea right?

Well, apparently, the American public has been buying up Domino’s faster than ever. The company has recorded record profits since they released the new recipe. It’s not surprising, they basically went on TV and said, “Yep, we knew it sucked the whole time but you still bought it. Now we are trying our best and would like to hear what you think.”

Go ahead. Bring this piece of shit back. I dare you.

Would you people order a real pizza for crying out loud? Would real pizza places please make an attempt to compete with Domino’s for speed and styles? Also, real pizza places- please stop closing at 11pm! Real pizza money is after midnight and that is why Domino’s does so well. They are the only place open. It’s easy to make money when you are the only game in town.

Please, America, don’t buy Domino’s because they have made, and are boasting about it, a real product. Also, this was the same company that gave us the NOID.

Please, don’t let them think they are popular enough again to bring the NOID back.

Definitely not going to make the fattest... er, fastest getaway.

In clearly the funniest theft I read about this week, a Russian man was caught after he allegedly stole an ATM machine out of a store with the owner watching the entire robbery. The police knew they had their man, not only because of the ATM machine sitting in the back of his BMW, but because of the description of the perpetrator.

He was a sumo wrestler.

The robbery was committed in broad daylight, in Moscow, when the sumo wrestler walked into the shop, picked up the ATM machine, which weighed about 200 pounds… and walked out the front door. The police were alerted and pulled the BMW over… which had no tags and tinted windows.

They quickly discovered the ATM machine in the backseat. The machine still contained its contents of 850 dollars so the police, subsequently, arrested the wrestler and his accomplice.

Who the hell plotted this robbery? A sumo wrestler is not exactly the “Where’s Waldo” of a crowd. People are going to notice him. Period. Also, the execution of this theft was completely criminal. Shopkeepers tend to notice someone stealing their ATM machine…  it’s not exactly Mission Impossible.

Then, you get into a BMW with tinted windows and no tags… because you will blend in with the rest of the traffic? Here’s an idea- don’t go with a sumo wrestler as your “muscles” for a robbery. Clearly, you can not make a speedy getaway.

Good thing you really didn't want to watch the Oscars...

I have just read a story about how Cablevision will be dropping ABC and Disney from its networks unless an agreement is made about revenue between the two companies. Earlier this year, Cablevision was also forced to cut Food Network from its programming for similar reasons. Time Warner Cable and Fox were separating and Direct TV lost the VS channel.

These big cable companies and the big networks, fighting each other over money and who loses? We do.

I hate the cable companies with a passion. First off, you really have no say in the company you get. I don’t understand how in these modern times with phone lines and underground networks, and satellites in space, that choice in cable provider does not really exist.

You could go with satellite but one rainstorm during a big game and you will hate that decision… so you are stuck with the cable provider that has the monopoly over your area. Now, they got you by the cajones, and make you pay for their crappy package plans. I’m sick of these triple play options because I have not needed a home phone since 1998. When was the last time you used a house phone?

They make you pay for their service and then take away programming. How the hell is this even legal? I do not understand how myself, and millions of others, can pay for service and then it is taken away. It’s just funny when very rich people argue with one another about fees and then pull the plug on us peasants.

Thank you for reminding us that nothing is free, which is why we pay for it in the first place. I wish you corporate giants would think of the consumer once in your lives. The only chance we could get their attention would be to pull the plug on those business channels so they can’t stare at the stock ticker all day and count their millions.

Giving the term "2 and a half men" a COMPLETELY different meaning...

I love the movies Major League, Wall Street, and Hot Shots. One thing in common with these movie titles? Charlie Sheen.

Sheen has been in some truly awful films and thanks to his earlier success in his career he had to turn to drugs and alcohol to forget about being in Terminal Velocity, Major League 2, and The Chase. Sheen went to rehab, got out of rehab, married Denise Richards, divorced her, somehow started selling underwear with Michael Jordan and now has a hit show on CBS.

Back in December… Charlie was in rehab again after a Christmas altercation of hitting his current wife and threatening to kill her. I wonder how drunk/stoned you have to be to threaten to kill your wife on Christmas of all days?

Now we are finding out his current wife, Brooke Mueller, was just as silly as Sheen. The couple has now been reported as having three-ways with other women AND MEN as well as doing copious amounts of drugs in the meantime.

I always find it funny when they say “drugs”… like a blanket statement. It was weed and coke for crying out load. It’s not like he had heroin lying around, because you really can’t bang on heroin. In fact, you can’t do anything.

Sheen is an idiot. Hanes has dropped him from the advertisements, and it will only be a matter of time before CBS changes the title to “1 and a Half Men.” Most stars that fall from grace do not get a second chance. Robert Downey Jr…

Sheen has had his second chance and this is what he does with it? Good luck Chuck, enjoy whatever crappy show you score on the USA network… or hopefully, some awful zombie flick that needs a sherriff to be killed in the first 25 minutes.

Maybe they will make Men at Work 2! That way your new job being a garbage man will make the role seem more natural.

Can we say pedophile??

Now this is just ridiculous. Some idiot decided to break a world record for hugging people in a 24 hour period. First of all, why the hell do we have these records in the first place? Who decided in their crazy ass state, “Hey, I got an idea, I’m going to hug everyone and not end up on a sexual predator list.”

Well for, Jeff Ondash, who hugs under the alter-ego, Teddy McHuggin, he decided that hugging in Vegas is the best way to accomplish that goal.

Hey, Teddy, when they say, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” I don’t think they are talking about hugging people. McHuggin, I’m so disgusted I really hope McDonalds sues you. Hell, I hope McLovin sues him too. He wants to tell us that when you hug someone you make their day and they walk away smiling. This man needs to learn that hugs are pointless and that most people are also worthless… whether you hug them or not.

How long does a hug have to even last to officially count as a hug? Do BS hugs count? We all know the BS hug, right? That’s when the girl you’re interested in gives you a hug and lightly taps you on the back to let you know that she is not interested in you at all. Does the hug have to be two armed? I mean, the “man hug”, which is that handshake slight embrace with a slap on the shoulder blade hug, is usually extremely quick. I don’t think it takes long enough to officially count as a hug.

I think the best thing you could possibly do is run up to this idiot and act like you are going to hug him, hug everyone around him, and just punch him right in the face and take his wallet.

We'd be pissed too if our weave was THAT wack.

Watch out, there is a supermodel on the loose and she is crazier than ever.  This week, Naomi Campbell, the British supermodel, struck her chauffeur in the back of the head. Why did she strike the driver? Probably because he was going to the FDR when everyone knows to avoid the FDR during the day.

The 27 year old driver says he was struck by Campbell and hit his head on the steering wheel during the altercation. The first thing I have to say is how weak of a man are you when a supermodel overpowers you to the point that it causes injury? Supermodels tend to not have much meat on their bones. In fact, they are usually just bones and I don’t see how she could have caused serious injury.

My favorite part of the story is how after she hits him, he stops the car, and gets out to call the police. Campbell, who has been known to spit on police in the past, immediately jumps out of the car and disappears into Manhattan. I just love her set of thinking at this point- “I’m not going back” and just bolts it out of the car. 

So, New Yorkers, if you see a woman with a jacked ass weave walking in one direction… wearing a ridiculous outfit and then turning around walking in the other direction… please call the authorities immediately, and for God’s sake… don’t give it a ride!

"Yeah, that's right bitch... suck it."

I used to love cigarettes. My brand was Camel Turkish Golds. With the smooth Turkish blend and medium body they were a lighter smoke with a toastier flavor.

I would go out and drink, have far too many and the next morning feel like complete crap. I grew to hate smoking. It was stupid and as I reached the age of reason, I finally decided that I wanted to be healthier and quitting smoking had to happen.

I am now 4 years clean of a cigarette and I have never felt better. For the record, my quitting was my own decision and not because of these thetruth.com ads or this piece of crap ad I saw last week.

As much as I used to enjoy a smoke here and there, I never really saw it as sucking off the big tobacco companies. Another thing I can not stand about the ad is the hands on the head. If there is one rule I’ve learned in life it is that you do not touch the head during that wonderful act. It is completely disrespectful.

All the ad wants to really get across is how the tobacco companies are selfish bastards who treat you with no respect. I get it… but at the same time, is this ad strategy even necessary anymore? With all the research and advertising by dying smokers nationwide, is this poster really going to tell people to stop smoking?

Back before throat cancer was a pre-existing condition...

It’s not the 50’s anymore. Doctors are not promoting cigarettes like they used to. That’s right kids. They used to have doctors, smoking on TV, promoting that these ciggies were better than others. Everyone today knows that smoking is bad for you and others around you… but do we have to deal with people dying of throat cancer on a commercial break during American Idol?

Do these ads have to ruin the image of oral sex for all of us?

Plus, at close to 8 bucks a pack, I’d rather get a dime bag at this point. Now, if they try to re-do this poster with a bong coming out of the zipper, sign on Michael Phelps for the ad immediately. Just think, weed could finally get an Olympic endorsement.

Where in the world is Whoopi?

I used to love the NBA. I remember being a kid and watching Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, and Magic Johnson dominate the court with their talent and swagger. I loved watching Shaq during his rookie year, destroying backboards, and I loved how Dennis Rodman was a rebounding machine who was clearly out of his mind.

Now, the NBA is fluttered with a few greats and a whole lot of Joe Schmoes. The sad part is that all of these Schmoes get these silly contracts to play basketball and blow all of their money on the dumbest shit possible.

I thought the idiot on the Wizards and his gun collection in the locker room was going to be the icing on the cake for stupidity this year in the NBA… but Marquis Daniels has decided to prove me wrong. For some reason, he has decided to wear his own head around on a necklace. Either that or he is just a huge Whoopi Goldberg fan.

The thing that pisses me off more than anything else is… that necklace, most likely, costs more than I make in a year. Who the hell wears themselves as a necklace and what does that say about the kind of individual he is? I’m sure he is an awesome teammate who thinks so highly of himself that he wears himself around his neck in pride. I’ll bet you his assist numbers are not all that impressive, in fact, I’ll bet all of his numbers are not that impressive.

"You know the brothers love me!"

I really hope someone robs this guy and takes his damn necklace and I find it in a Jersey City pawn shop. I don’t know why, but I think it is the funniest necklace you could possibly wear and I would love to have it. I would take it everywhere. I would travel with it and take pictures of the necklace next to famous sites around the world. There is Whoopi next to the Eiffel Tower… and here she is next to the Great Wall of China.

I also really hope this guy at least donated a little bit of his money to Haiti. If you are the kind of person that has 300 grams of 14-karat gold made into your own head to wear around your neck… please tell me you had a few extra dollars to spare for Haiti.