Definitely not going to make the fattest... er, fastest getaway.

In clearly the funniest theft I read about this week, a Russian man was caught after he allegedly stole an ATM machine out of a store with the owner watching the entire robbery. The police knew they had their man, not only because of the ATM machine sitting in the back of his BMW, but because of the description of the perpetrator.

He was a sumo wrestler.

The robbery was committed in broad daylight, in Moscow, when the sumo wrestler walked into the shop, picked up the ATM machine, which weighed about 200 pounds… and walked out the front door. The police were alerted and pulled the BMW over… which had no tags and tinted windows.

They quickly discovered the ATM machine in the backseat. The machine still contained its contents of 850 dollars so the police, subsequently, arrested the wrestler and his accomplice.

Who the hell plotted this robbery? A sumo wrestler is not exactly the “Where’s Waldo” of a crowd. People are going to notice him. Period. Also, the execution of this theft was completely criminal. Shopkeepers tend to notice someone stealing their ATM machine…  it’s not exactly Mission Impossible.

Then, you get into a BMW with tinted windows and no tags… because you will blend in with the rest of the traffic? Here’s an idea- don’t go with a sumo wrestler as your “muscles” for a robbery. Clearly, you can not make a speedy getaway.

Good thing you really didn't want to watch the Oscars...

I have just read a story about how Cablevision will be dropping ABC and Disney from its networks unless an agreement is made about revenue between the two companies. Earlier this year, Cablevision was also forced to cut Food Network from its programming for similar reasons. Time Warner Cable and Fox were separating and Direct TV lost the VS channel.

These big cable companies and the big networks, fighting each other over money and who loses? We do.

I hate the cable companies with a passion. First off, you really have no say in the company you get. I don’t understand how in these modern times with phone lines and underground networks, and satellites in space, that choice in cable provider does not really exist.

You could go with satellite but one rainstorm during a big game and you will hate that decision… so you are stuck with the cable provider that has the monopoly over your area. Now, they got you by the cajones, and make you pay for their crappy package plans. I’m sick of these triple play options because I have not needed a home phone since 1998. When was the last time you used a house phone?

They make you pay for their service and then take away programming. How the hell is this even legal? I do not understand how myself, and millions of others, can pay for service and then it is taken away. It’s just funny when very rich people argue with one another about fees and then pull the plug on us peasants.

Thank you for reminding us that nothing is free, which is why we pay for it in the first place. I wish you corporate giants would think of the consumer once in your lives. The only chance we could get their attention would be to pull the plug on those business channels so they can’t stare at the stock ticker all day and count their millions.

Giving the term "2 and a half men" a COMPLETELY different meaning...

I love the movies Major League, Wall Street, and Hot Shots. One thing in common with these movie titles? Charlie Sheen.

Sheen has been in some truly awful films and thanks to his earlier success in his career he had to turn to drugs and alcohol to forget about being in Terminal Velocity, Major League 2, and The Chase. Sheen went to rehab, got out of rehab, married Denise Richards, divorced her, somehow started selling underwear with Michael Jordan and now has a hit show on CBS.

Back in December… Charlie was in rehab again after a Christmas altercation of hitting his current wife and threatening to kill her. I wonder how drunk/stoned you have to be to threaten to kill your wife on Christmas of all days?

Now we are finding out his current wife, Brooke Mueller, was just as silly as Sheen. The couple has now been reported as having three-ways with other women AND MEN as well as doing copious amounts of drugs in the meantime.

I always find it funny when they say “drugs”… like a blanket statement. It was weed and coke for crying out load. It’s not like he had heroin lying around, because you really can’t bang on heroin. In fact, you can’t do anything.

Sheen is an idiot. Hanes has dropped him from the advertisements, and it will only be a matter of time before CBS changes the title to “1 and a Half Men.” Most stars that fall from grace do not get a second chance. Robert Downey Jr…

Sheen has had his second chance and this is what he does with it? Good luck Chuck, enjoy whatever crappy show you score on the USA network… or hopefully, some awful zombie flick that needs a sherriff to be killed in the first 25 minutes.

Maybe they will make Men at Work 2! That way your new job being a garbage man will make the role seem more natural.

Can we say pedophile??

Now this is just ridiculous. Some idiot decided to break a world record for hugging people in a 24 hour period. First of all, why the hell do we have these records in the first place? Who decided in their crazy ass state, “Hey, I got an idea, I’m going to hug everyone and not end up on a sexual predator list.”

Well for, Jeff Ondash, who hugs under the alter-ego, Teddy McHuggin, he decided that hugging in Vegas is the best way to accomplish that goal.

Hey, Teddy, when they say, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” I don’t think they are talking about hugging people. McHuggin, I’m so disgusted I really hope McDonalds sues you. Hell, I hope McLovin sues him too. He wants to tell us that when you hug someone you make their day and they walk away smiling. This man needs to learn that hugs are pointless and that most people are also worthless… whether you hug them or not.

How long does a hug have to even last to officially count as a hug? Do BS hugs count? We all know the BS hug, right? That’s when the girl you’re interested in gives you a hug and lightly taps you on the back to let you know that she is not interested in you at all. Does the hug have to be two armed? I mean, the “man hug”, which is that handshake slight embrace with a slap on the shoulder blade hug, is usually extremely quick. I don’t think it takes long enough to officially count as a hug.

I think the best thing you could possibly do is run up to this idiot and act like you are going to hug him, hug everyone around him, and just punch him right in the face and take his wallet.

We'd be pissed too if our weave was THAT wack.

Watch out, there is a supermodel on the loose and she is crazier than ever.  This week, Naomi Campbell, the British supermodel, struck her chauffeur in the back of the head. Why did she strike the driver? Probably because he was going to the FDR when everyone knows to avoid the FDR during the day.

The 27 year old driver says he was struck by Campbell and hit his head on the steering wheel during the altercation. The first thing I have to say is how weak of a man are you when a supermodel overpowers you to the point that it causes injury? Supermodels tend to not have much meat on their bones. In fact, they are usually just bones and I don’t see how she could have caused serious injury.

My favorite part of the story is how after she hits him, he stops the car, and gets out to call the police. Campbell, who has been known to spit on police in the past, immediately jumps out of the car and disappears into Manhattan. I just love her set of thinking at this point- “I’m not going back” and just bolts it out of the car. 

So, New Yorkers, if you see a woman with a jacked ass weave walking in one direction… wearing a ridiculous outfit and then turning around walking in the other direction… please call the authorities immediately, and for God’s sake… don’t give it a ride!

"Yeah, that's right bitch... suck it."

I used to love cigarettes. My brand was Camel Turkish Golds. With the smooth Turkish blend and medium body they were a lighter smoke with a toastier flavor.

I would go out and drink, have far too many and the next morning feel like complete crap. I grew to hate smoking. It was stupid and as I reached the age of reason, I finally decided that I wanted to be healthier and quitting smoking had to happen.

I am now 4 years clean of a cigarette and I have never felt better. For the record, my quitting was my own decision and not because of these thetruth.com ads or this piece of crap ad I saw last week.

As much as I used to enjoy a smoke here and there, I never really saw it as sucking off the big tobacco companies. Another thing I can not stand about the ad is the hands on the head. If there is one rule I’ve learned in life it is that you do not touch the head during that wonderful act. It is completely disrespectful.

All the ad wants to really get across is how the tobacco companies are selfish bastards who treat you with no respect. I get it… but at the same time, is this ad strategy even necessary anymore? With all the research and advertising by dying smokers nationwide, is this poster really going to tell people to stop smoking?

Back before throat cancer was a pre-existing condition...

It’s not the 50’s anymore. Doctors are not promoting cigarettes like they used to. That’s right kids. They used to have doctors, smoking on TV, promoting that these ciggies were better than others. Everyone today knows that smoking is bad for you and others around you… but do we have to deal with people dying of throat cancer on a commercial break during American Idol?

Do these ads have to ruin the image of oral sex for all of us?

Plus, at close to 8 bucks a pack, I’d rather get a dime bag at this point. Now, if they try to re-do this poster with a bong coming out of the zipper, sign on Michael Phelps for the ad immediately. Just think, weed could finally get an Olympic endorsement.

Where in the world is Whoopi?

I used to love the NBA. I remember being a kid and watching Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, and Magic Johnson dominate the court with their talent and swagger. I loved watching Shaq during his rookie year, destroying backboards, and I loved how Dennis Rodman was a rebounding machine who was clearly out of his mind.

Now, the NBA is fluttered with a few greats and a whole lot of Joe Schmoes. The sad part is that all of these Schmoes get these silly contracts to play basketball and blow all of their money on the dumbest shit possible.

I thought the idiot on the Wizards and his gun collection in the locker room was going to be the icing on the cake for stupidity this year in the NBA… but Marquis Daniels has decided to prove me wrong. For some reason, he has decided to wear his own head around on a necklace. Either that or he is just a huge Whoopi Goldberg fan.

The thing that pisses me off more than anything else is… that necklace, most likely, costs more than I make in a year. Who the hell wears themselves as a necklace and what does that say about the kind of individual he is? I’m sure he is an awesome teammate who thinks so highly of himself that he wears himself around his neck in pride. I’ll bet you his assist numbers are not all that impressive, in fact, I’ll bet all of his numbers are not that impressive.

"You know the brothers love me!"

I really hope someone robs this guy and takes his damn necklace and I find it in a Jersey City pawn shop. I don’t know why, but I think it is the funniest necklace you could possibly wear and I would love to have it. I would take it everywhere. I would travel with it and take pictures of the necklace next to famous sites around the world. There is Whoopi next to the Eiffel Tower… and here she is next to the Great Wall of China.

I also really hope this guy at least donated a little bit of his money to Haiti. If you are the kind of person that has 300 grams of 14-karat gold made into your own head to wear around your neck… please tell me you had a few extra dollars to spare for Haiti.

JFC, is all I can say at this point. Nadya Suleman, otherwise known as the Octomom, has said that another child in her life is not ruled out. In an interview she has stated that if she were to meet Mr. Right, and were to fall in love and be married, she would like to have a child with the fucking stupid lucky suitor. Because 14 children on public assistance is not enough, she needs to have that 15^th child.

Watch this horrific and awkward video below… if you can stomach it:

First off, someone kill this annoying bitch! Secondly, enough is enough already. There are a few flaws with this well laid plan of hers. First off, not one, I repeat, not one man in the world is going to date someone with 14 kids. I don’t care how open-minded someone says they are… no one who says they are of sound mind and body would dare date anyone with a reproductive system more used than the common hamster’s.

How the hell could you possibly WANT another child? You have 14 mouths to feed and asses to clothe and you think that a 15^th brat would be a wonderful idea? Shame on you Miss Suleman. I wonder what her mother thinks of this new idea? Remember, in that wonderful documentary that I wrote about earlier, her mother was fed up enough already with Nadya just using her house to shelter these 14 brats.

You can kiss that shit goodbye.

Seriously, you need to have at least an 8 bedroom house (and that’s 2 to a bedroom for the kids and a mommy and potential daddy in another) to properly shelter them when they get older. ANOTHER KID!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?? Because a 9 bedroom house paid for from public assistance exists anywhere in the world??

Please, someone shut down her factory. Anyone out there with the skill and the know-how to screw up her engine please heed the call!!

"Any second now..."

I remember turning 10 and celebrating my birthday in Orlando, Fl. My family took me to Sea World on one of the 4 days we spent in the “Sunshine State” and I had the time of my life. Mostly, because my favorite movie til this day is Jaws, and also because I have always been fascinated by the sea life that exists on our planet.

One of these sea beings that I love will always be the killer whales I saw that day at the Shamu exhibit at Sea World. Little did I know that Sea World was not just exposing killer whales to the public for their entertainment value, but for the sheer fact that they are strait up, cold blooded (even though they are warm blooded) killers.

Over the past week, Dawn Brancheau, a trainer for Shamu (who’s real name is Tilikum because the real Shamu died in 1971), was murdered by the killer whale… who has been rumored to hang with the Sharks and Piranhas that also populate Sea World. It’s like what my father used to say, “Show me half of your friends, and I’ll show you half of your problems.” The serial killer whale has also been known to have been involved with 2 other deaths but at that same time… has never been convicted.

Sea World needs to really analyze that part on job applications for future Shamus and ask if they have ever been convicted of a felony… especially murder. A big debate currently happening now is if they are going to put Tilikum down. I ask- how the hell do you pick up a killer whale that is going to be “put down” by the state and where do you get an electric chair that big? Good luck with that Florida!

"Taunt me again with this fish, bitch! I dare you!"

But who is the real criminal here? Sea World, that’s who. I have been saying this for a long time, “Leave the manatees and whales alone!” I have always found the magic of the ocean creatures to be left to the ocean, but Sea World insists on forcing them into our lives and even making a “splash zone” to remind us that these animals will ruin our wardrobe.

I’m sick of Sea World. Not just because it costs over 200 dollars for a family of four to watch a trainer be murdered and keep the memory on videotape, but I wonder if some asshole tried to sell them the picture of their reaction to the tragedy on their way out of the park for an extra 30 bucks.

Please, let these animals/mammals go. Let them back to the wild and allow humans to observe zoos in their natural environment- Newark. NJ.

"Do I make you horny???"

There are things about other cultures we will never understand. Some say it’s ethnocentric to say such things, but when it boils down to it, some people do some weird things… especially in the Middle East.

That point has never been more prominent than it is when it comes to Camel Beauty Contests. I find any society strange that places women in concealing clothing while looking at camels and discussing what a succulent hump it has.

The fucked up wonderful part is the scoring system in the article, which offers points for all parts of the camel’s body. Am I the only one that finds this odd? Because let’s be frank here… camels are gross. All forms. Camel cigarettes are dirty. Hell, EVEN cameltoe is sorta gross! Now, I will agree that camels are a great mode of transportation in the desert heat and probably even better in a stew, but I just don’t see the beauty in a camel.

Now, like dog shows here in the United States, the camels with the best looks are in position to make a good deal of money. My question is this- what happens to the losers? If there is one thing about the Middle East that I’ve learned so far… it is that they really don’t like to be considered a loser. I’m sure that was a part of the article that was left out.

I’m sure they do try to breed a better camel, but they sell off the loser or kill it for other profitable reasons… like birth control or deodorant or something stupid like that which no one there uses.

Imagine being the wife of the man who is upset his camel lost a beauty contest. Would you feel like less of a woman knowing he cares more about how his camel looks than you?