I hate urinals.

Exhibit A: Piss on Your Pants

They are unpleasant, unsanitary, and a breeding ground for awkward experiences.  All males have experienced the breaking of the famed two stall rule and can attest to how horrific it truly is.  But the true disgust towards urinals stems from something far worse than the two stall rule; it comes from one thing and one thing only: piss spray back.

All true men have had this experience at least once in their life.  After downing many fluid ounces of a tasty beverage you are left with an aching sensation in your peter, and have no recourse other than to drain your main vein.  Upon arrival to the lavatory, you are struck with the painful realization that you are going to have to piss in a urinal and it doesn’t have the proper slope.

Now you may be questioning, what is the proper slope?

To this I respond, the proper slope is any slope which does not get piss on my trousers.

Exhibit B: Clean Living

For those of you with a vagina, the slope of a urinal is the single greatest factor in determining whether or not men will get piss on themselves.  A general rule of thumb is that if the slope of the urinal is coming towards you, the more likely it is that you will get piss on your person.  Contrastingly, if the slope of the porcelain piss-pot is going away from your stream, the less likely it is that you will receive any spray back.  Now, how the slope is so important in determining the potential for piss spray back, I cannot answer.  It is something very technical that involves physics, planetary alignment, and the temperature of Atlantic Ocean.  But what is important, is that the slope is crucial.

Now with the understanding that slope is key, one would think that urinal designers would take whatever precautions necessary to ensure that their urinal design would limit piss spray back.  But it seems as if the opposite is true.  I would argue that urinal designers are trying to design urinals that might increase the potential for piss spray back.  As if they are some sort of masochistic freaks who enjoy the idea of men getting piss on themselves.   This is precisely why I hate urinals.  They are disgusting and created by freaks.

Now a few women out there, that have the mental capacity to read, may be drawing some sort of twisted satisfaction out of the pain men suffer at the urinal.  But to these women I would say one thing: At least we don’t sit down when we pee.

Let’s face it, our modern era is lacking badasses.  With figures like Tom Brady and Derek Jeter defining our time’s masculinity, it should come as no surprise that there are very few badasses left in our society.  Really, comedy blog writers are the only badasses left, and they’re a dying breed.

Enter Colton Harris-Moore: a modern day bad ass.

The Man, The Myth, The Fugitive (Props to the AP)

‘Colt’ is an 18 year old bamf who has been wreaking havoc in Western Washington state.  Colt has already been tagged as a modern day Huckleberry Finn, or a modern Jesse James (without the murders), or even as living out the movie Catch Me If You Can.  Whatever comparison you may want to draw, Colt has racked up a laundry list of crimes that would even make Niko Bellic blush.

Colt’s story is typical of young criminals: He grew up the son of a single mother in a very poor trailer park, and began compiling an extensive criminal record at the age of 11.   Since then Colt has been credited with over fifty burglaries and thefts which include two boats and three small aircraft. Now, to be clear, we are not trying to condone the actions of Colton Harris-Moore. He’s a criminal.

But he is also a badass.

Authorities believe that Colt used a stolen credit card to purchase a flight manual, which they then believe he used to teach himself the basics of aviation.  However, it is obvious to the police that Colt is far from a professional pilot.  In all three instances in which they believe he stole aircraft, the airplanes were found with damage that points to a rather harsh landing, which is of course characteristic of someone with no formal aviation training.

Colt escaped a minimum security juvenile facility a couple years back, and has not been captured sense.  Police say that a majority of Colt’s thefts are not for valuables or money, but instead he steals tools and supplies to fuel his life on the run.  It seems to us, that Colt is living out the life of a Grand Theft Auto character, stealing a bunch of awesome shit (see airplanes) and then using some sort of real life voodoo cheat code to evade authorities. Equally as baffling, is the fact that authorities can’t catch the 6 foot 5 inch teenager.   Whatever the circumstances are surrounding this young man’s fate, there is one thing for certain: he is a badass.

There are advertising campaigns and then there are really f—king stupid advertising campaigns.  Pistachio’s most recent campaign falls into the latter category.

Call me crazy, but when I think of pistachios one of the last things that comes to my mind is sex.  Lucky for me, some nut job advertising executives are out to change that.

No matter how you twist it, Pistachios aren't sexy.

If you have been lucky enough not to see them, then you have missed some of the most bizarre and ridiculous advertisements to date.  In an effort to overcome their declining sales from last April’s nationwide pistachio recall, the pistachio industry is fueling a fifteen million dollar ad campaign to rebrand their nuts as trendy and cool.  How else do you make green nuts trendy and cool, other than marketing them with sex?

The campaign is more or less just a series of television commercials with borderline famous celebrities doing something lame followed by a sexually ambiguous tagline.  The commercial that’s drawing the most attention stars America’s second favorite Alaskan: Levi Johnston.

Nothing about the commercial is subtle.  In the commercial, Levi sports a lime green shirt that has an outline of the state of Alaska, It seems as if the ad execs did this to remind us all who the hell Levi Johnston is.  If you are ignorant enough not to know who this f–ck nut is, then consider yourself blessed.  Levi came out of nowhere in the fall of 2008, as the dude that impregnated Sarah Palin’s daughter.  And if you are ignorant enough not to know who Sarah Palin is, then God bless your little heart.

Scope out the Levi Johnston Pistachio Ad after the jump:

Read more »

If you’ve been breathing in the last twenty four hours than you have heard about the latest location the United States plans to sink a great fortune into.  Hint: it’s the Moon.

Yeah, the Moon.  And it doesn’t even have oil.

Early on Friday morning NASA crashed a missile onto the surface of the Moon in an effort to create a crater large enough that a second space craft could come and take samples of the debris to send back to Earth. The mission carried a hefty price tag of $79 million dollars, which has garnered a large amount of criticism from both the public and the press.  All the talk got us thinking, how else could NASA have blown $79 million dollars?  Here are our top five ideas…

5) Give us an inventive new food item

TANG is so 1959.

It’s about damn time that NASA give us another bad ass food item.

Back in the day, Tang was all the rage.  The disgusting Orange drink powder captured the imagination of children everywhere by overloading their bodies with Vitamin C, all the while tricking them into thinking that they were drinking what astronauts drink.  Well it has been a few years and NASA is still slacking in the awesome food department. Our estimates conclude that $79 million dollars would be a good damn starting point for inventing some awesome new food.  In the Jetsons, they just had to swallow a pill to get their daily nourishment and we are still gorging ourselves with dollar menu cheeseburgers.  Hey NASA, step your game up.

4) Donate the funds to the Chicago Cubs

The Chicago Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908.

If NASA really wanted to spread goodwill, than they could have donated their small fortune to the Chicago Cubs.  With $79 million dollars, the Cubs may have been able to sign enough marquee players to have a shot at winning a World Series. With enough money, you can buy a Championship.  The New York Yankees have been doing this for years.

The affection and goodwill that could have been created by a Chicago Cubs championship would have far outweighed any scientific advancements NASA will make by blowing a crater in the moon.

3) Make it rain

Making It Rain.

Every American male knows that if you have a good portion of cash that you don’t mind getting rid of, the most badass option to get rid of it is to make it rain.

In an effort to increase their favor in the eyes of young men everywhere, NASA should have chosen this option.  It is clear that NASA has the resources to logistically make this happen.  Here’s what we would have proposed:

Send one of the NASA space shuttles into low orbit with bags upon bags of one dollar bills.  Then, just start emptying them.  The ensuing badassness would make Jay-Z retire, for good.  If NASA were to make it rain with $79 million dollars then rappers could no longer lay claim to baller status, as that would forever be in the hands of NASA.

2) Let Michael Bay do the same job for cheaper

Michael 'Boom Boom Pow' Bay

When an American company wants to have tech support jobs done for cheap, who do they call? India.

When someone wants to blow something up, who do they call? Michael Bay.

Let’s face the facts, Michael Bay isn’t a film director.  He is just really, really good at blowing shit up.  If you have seen any of the Transformers movies, any of the Bad Boys movies, or Pearl Harbor then you know that Michael Bay has a PhD in Kaboomology.  Hell, he also directed Armageddon which is a movie about a group of astronauts who save the world by planting and detonating a nuclear missile on a huge asteroid.  Michael Bay is well versed in space explosions.

If NASA really wanted to blow the moon up, then they should have enlisted the help of Michael Bay.  He could have done the whole thing for far less than $79 million dollars.  Goodness, for $79 million dollars Michael Bay could have blown up the entire moon AND made a two hour movie about it, complete with a scantily clad Megan Fox.

1) Don’t blow a hole in the moon

Call us crazy, but maybe NASA could have just pocketed the $79 million dollars.

Is it that outrageous to think that maybe we could have done without blowing a crater in the moon?  I am all for blowing shit up.  Men like explosions.  But it’s the damn Moon.  Perhaps, NASA could have just passed.

I hate Dora the Explorer.

But more so than I hate Dora the Explorer, I hate that a cartoon show is trying to trick children into appreciating both Hispanic culture and the Spanish language.  Filling children’s mushy little brains with the idea that Hispanic culture is full of pastel colors and monkeys that can talk is not just misleading, it is an outright lie.  If our society truly wants our young ones to appreciate Hispanic culture there is just one thing we must introduce them to: Tequila.

Bottoms up, Bitches.

That’s right: Tequila.  We all know that when you visit a Spanish speaking nation there are only two things that can happen to you: you get screwed or you get screwed. Ideally, that screwing comes in the form of a wild threesome with a Tijuana hooker and a donkey-zebra.  But typically, the screwing occurs when you get robbed at switch blade point by two mexi-stache gang bangers.

Identical to the experience of visiting a Spanish speaking nation, is the experience of drinking Tequila.  We all know that when you drink Tequila there are only two things that can happen to you: you get screwed or you get screwed.  Ideally, that screwing comes in the form of getting impossibly drunk and then hooking up with your friend’s ungodly attractive girlfriend.  But typically, the screwing occurs when said friend catches you trying to cop a feel on said girlfriend, which leads said friend to beat you to near death and then defecate on all of your personal belongings.  I digress.

If the outcome of drinking Tequila is identical to the outcome of visiting a Spanish speaking nation it seems so much more honest to expose our children to Tequila at an early age, instead of filling their heads with the lie that Dora the Explorer and her talking monkey are indicative of Hispanic culture.  It seems unfair and immoral to perpetuate the lie that Hispanic culture is full of bright colors and monkeys named Boots, when we all know that Hispanic culture is built upon sex and bad decisions. And that is why I hate Dora the Explorer.

It is official.

Michelle Duggar’s snatch is a disaster area.

Batter Up!

The Duggar family have stolen the  headlines away from the Gosselins for atleast a couple days as they have announced that the 42 year old matriarch, Michelle, is pregnant with the family’s 19th child.  The Duggar’s, who are famous for having a bat-shit crazy amount of kids, star in the Discovery Channel’s 18 and Counting, which follows the crazy antics of the day to day life of a family with 18 damn kids.

Michelle and her husband Jim Bob (yes, Jim Bob) had an unfortunate miscarriage many years ago and have vowed to never use any preventative birth measures. That decision sent their life, and Michelle’s vagina, on an unusual journey.  An unusual journey that left her vagina as weathered as a cigar store indian and that involved her birthing over two baseball team’s worth of children.  Dwell on that for a second; enough human beings have exited that woman’s vagina that they could form two seperate baseball teams, of the regulation nine players a side. That is astounding.

It’s safe to believe that the next child to step out of her vagina is going to be dressed in an umpire’s uniform because someone’s got to call the game, right? While that is absurd, it is equally absurd to think that a 19th creature will leave that woman’s body.

I hate cute.

Like Zac Efron cute.  Pink frilly things cute.  And, most importantly, small animal cute.

Unfortunately for all of us, the Internet has a lot of cute.  From obnoxious, glittery myspace’s to blogs dedicated to cute it seems as if the Internet is vomiting cute.  And I cannot stand it.

But out of all of the varieties of cute out there, the worst is definitely the intolerable amount of videos of small kittens and puppies.  Valuable internet real estate that could be dedicated towards porn or hatred is instead used for the perpetuation of this ideal of cute.  It is quite disturbing.

Take this video of a small puppy for example.  Upon first glance this video seems like an innocent look at a small puppy that, despite his relentless desire to, cannot seem to get to his feet.  Upon first glance this video seems cute.  But what if I were to tell you that this puppy was once the star of a popular superhero film, but in an unfortunate horse riding incident, it was left with a spinal injury that would prevent it from ever walking again.  What if I were to tell you that this injury would only allow the puppy to squirm around on its back, just like it did in the video you watched, for the remainder of its existence?

Now, that wouldn’t be very cute.

Read more »

Welcome to The Five, our rundown of some of the strangest, lamest, or most bad ass things that occur on this planet.  In this edition we take a look at five of the most awkward, strange, and hideous body parts.  Enjoy.

Cankle

5: The Cankle

In the unfortunate instance where one is not blessed with the genetic trait of calves or is overweight to the point of ankle obesity, then said person is often the proud owner of cankles.  Cankles are legs with no change in shape, where the ankle and calves have merged together into a tube of flesh.  Tube legs, if you will.  While not as awkward as some other parts, the cankles still hold a firm place in the most awkward of body parts.

Muffin Top

4:  The Muffin Top

Look we understand that not everyone has the physical build of a starving African child.  Some people are a little chubby, we get it.

But, what we don’t get, is why chubby people must chose to accentuate their chubbiness.  Enter the Muffin Top.  You’ve probably heard of the muffin top, and I can almost gurantee that you have seen the muffin top.  But what we should be asking, is why does the muffin top even exist?  It is the most avoidable of all awkward body parts but it seems to be far to prevalent in our society.

The FiveHead

3:  The Five-Head

If it’s bigger than a forehead, it’s got to be a five-head.

The five-head is a huge ass forehead.  It’s that simple.  When thinking of the five-head, Christina Ricci should immediately come to mind.  The queen of five-head, Ricci has a dome piece reminiscent of the backboard of a basketball hoop. Look for Ricci in an upcoming episode of SHAQ vs. when he takes on LeBron in a 1 on 1 game featuring this five-head as the speicla guest, it’s that big.

Read more »

French fries are one of the most beloved foods on the planet earth.

There is no scientific justification or fancy empirical evidence to prove that statement.  But there doesn’t need to be.  Everyone knows that french fries are delicious.

While keeping this in mind, I am proud to say that I opted for a salad instead of fries upon my last visit to my neighborhood Steak and Shake.  Now, you may be wondering what kind of person passes up the opportunity to eat frenched fries.  But I am here to tell you that what Steak and Shake is claiming are French fries are no more than a potato chip in straw form.  A wolf in sheep’s clothing, if you will.

The Real King of French Fries

I’m going to assume that most of you have some sort of experience with Steak and Shake’s shoestring, ‘petite cut’, fries.  These fries are the French fry equivalent of Clay Aiken.  They are scrawny, useless, and favored by homosexuals.  In other words, this world would be in a better place without them.

One type of fry this world could not do without out, however, is the steak fry.  You all know the steak fry.  They are huge, hold absurd amounts of catsup, and unlike shoestring fries you can put a single one in your mouth and know that you have actually eaten something.  If there were to be an equivalent to the steak fry you might say that they are to the French fry realm what Burt Reynold’s moustache is to the world of moustaches.  Some people might say that crinkle cuts are better than steak fries, and that Tom Selleck’s stache is better than Reynold’s lip-warmer but we all know deep inside our being that this is simply not the case.  Deep within the fabric of our human soul we know that there is no equivalent to the steak fry.  It is this intrinsic belief that led me to reject the excuse for a fry that Steak and Shake was trying to offer me.  Because there is simply no equivalent to the steak fry.

Steak Fries are better than Clay Aiken fries because: Read more »

At this very moment I can’t stop from shaking my head because this is so ridiculously cliché.  Does this sound familiar:

The porn star who thinks she can sing teams up with the country white boy who, because he once wore a pair of FUBU jorts, feels qualified to rap.  All the while their ignorant friends encourage them in their artistic endeavors.

These things never work out.

I’ll back up.  A friend of mine does marketing for some Adult websites, and he will forward me a promo email from time to time.  Just the other day he shows me an email from porn starlet, Melissa Midwest.  And it is priceless.

And we thought Jay-Z and Beyonce were a power couple

I just wanted to update everyone on what I have been doing! I have been working on my music career traveling back and forth to LA! It’s been a very exciting time for me and I have been lucky enough to work with FieldHouse, an up and coming major rap star that will be starting to film his own reality show very soon. I have my first single with him called GET AWAY and it should hit the radio in the matter of a few weeks I hope. His debut album PRESSURE is sure to be a big hit! I was just in his first music video the song is called Bully and below is the link to check it out it’s very funny to say the least. There is also a small clip of our song together we will shoot that full music video in a couple weeks. Make sure to stop by my site and see some of the making of the video pics and video it was really fun.

I am telling you this because there will hopefully be some excellent, fresh, unique ways to promote my site – how many other solo girls are actively working on a music career or have music videos than can be used for promotion? We also plan on rolling out some interesting promo contests to help get even more money in your pocket!! Let us know if you need anything! Melissa

This new pursuit is just another in a long line of brilliant decisions.  Some of you may remember Melissa as the broad that made headlines for taking nude pictures in public at the Marz Intergalactic Shrimp & Martini bar in Lincoln, Nebraska.  (We shit you not, an intergalactic shrimp and martini bar.)

But her current pursuit towards singing might just take the cake.   Read more »