If there is one thing we can all enjoy, it’s a good MILF.  If there is one thing that twisted, perverted assholes can enjoy, it’s a good GILF.

Because we know our target audience, we have compiled a list of the top five most porkable grandmothers.  But let’s be serious, these aren’t your run of the mill bingo hall grannies.   These are some legit GILFs.  The only criteria for selection are being a grandmother and being really fuckable.

5. Emmylou Harris

Emmylou Harris is the George Clooney of GILFs:  her hair is silver and everyone wants to bone her.  In fact, Emmylou may be the most grandmotherly of all the GILFs on our list.  Her look just screams ‘good at baking, better at riding penis’. Is that inappropriate to say about a 63 year old woman? Yes.  Would we still bone her? Absolutely.

4. Goldie Hawn

Goldie Hawn may be the most attractive Jewish-Buddhist in existence, but only the world’s third most attractive grandmother. What she is, though, is smoking hot and the mother of Kate Hudson, that means that there are some attractive genes in her DNA.  On top of that, she has been a bona-fide sex symbol for the last four decades.  All in all, Goldie Hawn is a solid choice for one of the top GILFs.

3. Susan Lucci

Her face may be partially be made up of plastic and she may have been born during the Truman Presidency, but Susan Lucci is still a grade-A GILF.  First off, she is the top dog of soap operas.  She’s the Biggie, Tupac, and Snoop all rolled into one.  But instead of being black and good at rapping, she’s an old white woman with subpar acting chops and an incredible bone structure.

2. Jenny McCarthy

Technically speaking, Jenny McCarthy isn’t a GILF.   But when we are talking about hot grandmothers, technicalities go out the window.  McCarthy was, until recently, linked with the once hilarious Jim Carrey, whose daughter gave birth to her own child in the early parts of 2010.  Her child made Carrey a grandfather and by relation then, made McCarthy a step-grandmother.  And a very boneable one at that.

1. Sarah Palin

She may lack basic reasoning skills and have the IQ of a phone book, but Sarah Palin is hot and a legitimate grandmother.  That means that she birthed a person that later gave birth to another person.  During that timespan, Palin did not lose her attractiveness.  That is an impressive feat.  Lucky for her, stupidity did not play a factor in our rating metric, it certainly would have caused her to lose the number one position.  Yet, her rockin’ tits and Fargo-accent make us want to put her in a few different types of positions.

Honorable mention: This lady.

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I am not fashionable.  I wear stripes with plaid.  Still, I hate UGG boots.

I don’t hate UGG boots because they are ugly, or because they are worn by dumbasses; both of which they are.  I hate UGG boots because, simply, they are not practical.

"Those boots really accent your testicles!"

Unless you are living in an arctic region, there is no utility to be gained by wearing wool lined sheepskin boots.  Still, females find it necessary to cover their cankles in dead rodent fur because they are under the impression that these shoes are cute and trendy.   Well to all those ladies, I am here to tell you something that Cosmo Teen won’t.  Those cute UGG boots are fucking stupid.

Although UGG boots were never really in, their popularity has declined in the past couple years. Thank goodness.  Nevertheless, these boots are still being sported by idiots everywhere.  To add to the ridiculousness, some ladies (and Homosexual Men) insist upon wearing these boots on warm summer days.  Because we all know that ninety degree weather calls for your favorite t-shirt, a pair of sunglasses, and animal covered knee high boots.

More or less, UGG boots are to fashion as Hilary Clinton is to our society: old, gross, and useless.

Whatever genius conned women into believing that UGG boots are cool and trendy deserves a damn pay raise.  If this genius can convince the gays and gals that sheep boots are cool, then just imagine the possibilities.  He, because only a male would be capable of such intellect, could probably also convince a certain ethnic group to not park on their lawns, or convince a different ethnic group to pay their taxes.  The sky’s the limit.

Ultimately, the mystery of the UGG boot will perpetuate until the end of time. Why anyone would ever wear these damn shoes, we will never know.  But that certainly isn’t going to stop us from hating on them.

Popularity: 1% [?]

When historians examine great empires they often try to find out why each particular empire ended.  The Roman Empire fell because of Barbarians.  The Han Dynasty collapsed because of MSG.   And the Galactic Empire folded because of Princess Leia’s rockin’ tits.

But when historians look to explain why the United States fell from grace, they are going to have only one answer: Porn.

We have all known it for quite some time, you can blame porn for almost anything.  Failed marriage? Blame it on porn.  Awkward mother-son relationship? It’s because of porn.  Carpel Tunnel? Most definitely porn.  Global Economic Meltdown?  Yep, Porn is at fault.

There is an obvious correlation between the decline of America's success and the amount of porn watched. Coincidence? No.

You read that right, Porn can even be cited as the cause of the financial crisis.  A new report by the Securities Exchange Commission or SEC, the douches in charge of  policing the United States’ financial system, shows that many of the SEC senior staffers, the guys who make sure Wall Street is in line, were spending their work hours downloading porn, instead of doing their damn job.

So as all of America was watching the economy crash, these SEC fucksticks were watching  One Man One Cup.  We aren’t typically ones to hate on porn, and in this instance we aren’t either.  But when the government is paying you over two hundred grand a year, as many of these SEC senior staffers were, then it is only reasonable that you don’t spend all your work hours scoping out dirty lesbian videos.

The most outrageous, or awesome depending on your viewpoint, of the staff members, a senior SEC attorney in Washington, was reportedly spending up to eight hours a day downloading porn.  The idiot filled up his entire hard drive with porn, so he then burnt the files onto CD’s and DVD’s.  Which he brilliantly kept stashed around his office.

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She puts the 'Meth' into Method Acting

A few months ago, HBH documented Jared Allen’s juicy mullet.  Despite our fantastic analysis of Allen’s mane, we neglected one of the gnarliest mullets in the game: the one belonging to Kristen Stewart.  Stewart’s river cut is equally as nauseating, though less gratifying, than Allen’s.  Nevertheless, Kristen Stewart’s mullet is in dire need of some quality hating.

To not know who Kristen Stewart is would mean that you have been either living under or smoking rock for the past two years.  If you fall into this fine category then we would like to inform you that America has a black President and also that Kristen Stewart is an actress most famous for her role in the Twilight films, an embarrassingly popular series that documents the lives of teenage vampires or something.

Stewart also stars as Joan Jett in the new film The Runaways, which hits wide release this weekend.  For her role as Jett, Stewart grew a terrifyingly gross mullet, which checks in somewhere between John Stamos and a meth addict on the mullet grading scale.

Kristen Stewart is so Metal

If you recall, our ode to Allen’s mullet was fueled by the fact that he lives the disgusting life that his mullet advertises.  Stewart, on the other hand, is just another hipster douche bag with an ironic mullet.  What is most infuriating about Stewart is that she chooses to represent herself as a skeezer homeless hippie when in reality she makes more than enough money to take daily showers and fund a substantial coke addiction.  It is almost as if she is trying to fool everyone into believing that her lifestyle is that of a bass player in a nineteen-eighties hair band; when we all know that she is just another rich child actor. What do you think?  Sound off below and tell us what you hate about Kristen Stewart.

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Jessica Simpson is a natural beauty

Some things in life are just easy- like sorority girls, using a Mac, and hating on Jessica Simpson.

Recent events, however, have made us rethink hating on Simpson.  If you follow popular culture (see: have no life) then you may remember that Jessica Simpson had recently ballooned to the size of John Candy.  After coming off the eat-everything-in-fucking-sight diet, Simpson has returned to her more bone-able shape.  In addition, Simpson began a television show called The Price of Beauty where she travels across the globe to examine the attractive traits that women in different cultures share, like sandwich making abilities.

A recent magazine interview and photo shoot, however, has garnered even more attention for the idiot savant as she broke all conventions and did the shoot without make up or digital retouching.  What follows, then, is very surprising.  Jessica Simpson is still really fuckable.  That’s right, even without Photoshop, we would still advise someone to pork Jessica Simpson.  We can’t say that about most females, celebrities included.

Sure, Jessica Simpson is still the ditzy broad from the chicken of the sea fiasco.  And sure she says outrageous things.  But that isn’t a problem that can’t be solved, right?  So let’s just be glad that it was Simpson who decided to do this photo shoot and not another damn celebrity.  Could you think of Lady Gaga doing this?

Lady Gaga is a Natural Monster

We aren’t even certain that Lady Gaga is a woman, but imagine the hideousness that would ensue if she took off whatever mask and make up she wears? Our estimates project that the destruction caused by her real face would clock in somewhere between Hiroshima and the Cloverfield monster, in terms of damage done to humanity.  Her music is already the source of unending pain and suffering, just imagine if we saw her true face.  Terrifying.

Lucky for us, that should not be the case.  What is, though, is that Jessica Simpson is still spank bank material even without make up.  And you can’t hate on that.

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I hate urinals.

Exhibit A: Piss on Your Pants

They are unpleasant, unsanitary, and a breeding ground for awkward experiences.  All males have experienced the breaking of the famed two stall rule and can attest to how horrific it truly is.  But the true disgust towards urinals stems from something far worse than the two stall rule; it comes from one thing and one thing only: piss spray back.

All true men have had this experience at least once in their life.  After downing many fluid ounces of a tasty beverage you are left with an aching sensation in your peter, and have no recourse other than to drain your main vein.  Upon arrival to the lavatory, you are struck with the painful realization that you are going to have to piss in a urinal and it doesn’t have the proper slope.

Now you may be questioning, what is the proper slope?

To this I respond, the proper slope is any slope which does not get piss on my trousers.

Exhibit B: Clean Living

For those of you with a vagina, the slope of a urinal is the single greatest factor in determining whether or not men will get piss on themselves.  A general rule of thumb is that if the slope of the urinal is coming towards you, the more likely it is that you will get piss on your person.  Contrastingly, if the slope of the porcelain piss-pot is going away from your stream, the less likely it is that you will receive any spray back.  Now, how the slope is so important in determining the potential for piss spray back, I cannot answer.  It is something very technical that involves physics, planetary alignment, and the temperature of Atlantic Ocean.  But what is important, is that the slope is crucial.

Now with the understanding that slope is key, one would think that urinal designers would take whatever precautions necessary to ensure that their urinal design would limit piss spray back.  But it seems as if the opposite is true.  I would argue that urinal designers are trying to design urinals that might increase the potential for piss spray back.  As if they are some sort of masochistic freaks who enjoy the idea of men getting piss on themselves.   This is precisely why I hate urinals.  They are disgusting and created by freaks.

Now a few women out there, that have the mental capacity to read, may be drawing some sort of twisted satisfaction out of the pain men suffer at the urinal.  But to these women I would say one thing: At least we don’t sit down when we pee.

Popularity: 1% [?]