When historians examine great empires they often try to find out why each particular empire ended.  The Roman Empire fell because of Barbarians.  The Han Dynasty collapsed because of MSG.   And the Galactic Empire folded because of Princess Leia’s rockin’ tits.

But when historians look to explain why the United States fell from grace, they are going to have only one answer: Porn.

We have all known it for quite some time, you can blame porn for almost anything.  Failed marriage? Blame it on porn.  Awkward mother-son relationship? It’s because of porn.  Carpel Tunnel? Most definitely porn.  Global Economic Meltdown?  Yep, Porn is at fault.

There is an obvious correlation between the decline of America's success and the amount of porn watched. Coincidence? No.

You read that right, Porn can even be cited as the cause of the financial crisis.  A new report by the Securities Exchange Commission or SEC, the douches in charge of  policing the United States’ financial system, shows that many of the SEC senior staffers, the guys who make sure Wall Street is in line, were spending their work hours downloading porn, instead of doing their damn job.

So as all of America was watching the economy crash, these SEC fucksticks were watching  One Man One Cup.  We aren’t typically ones to hate on porn, and in this instance we aren’t either.  But when the government is paying you over two hundred grand a year, as many of these SEC senior staffers were, then it is only reasonable that you don’t spend all your work hours scoping out dirty lesbian videos.

The most outrageous, or awesome depending on your viewpoint, of the staff members, a senior SEC attorney in Washington, was reportedly spending up to eight hours a day downloading porn.  The idiot filled up his entire hard drive with porn, so he then burnt the files onto CD’s and DVD’s.  Which he brilliantly kept stashed around his office.

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