I am this close to raping you!

First off, why do we call it the 9 to 5?  We have labor laws in the USA (and that doesn’t mean “you, ese”) which require some sort of break in a shift for lunch so in reality we should all be talking about the 8 to 5 but I guess that doesn’t have the same ring to it.  I don’t know about you, but for me, working a “9 to 5″ job sucks. There are a few things that just make this shit unbearable and probably lead to more suicides than anything else.

Sally Talks too Much

Almost every office has “that lady” that is just overly nice and doesn’t know better on when to just shut the fuck up.  She talks about her dog, family, kids, what she ate last night or any other useless piece of information.  The management knows this about this person and still chooses to put them right in a high traffic area by the coffee maker or the pencil sharpener so you are forced to be put into a conversation with this person.  Quickly come to terms with this, then nut up and just look at this person in the eye and tell them you really just don’t give a shit.  It will be one less thing that annoys you at your job.

Office Slut

We all have that co-worker who doesn’t know how to keep their personal shit to themselves and just wants to spread the drama and make it everyone’s business.  Look slut, I really don’t care that you got “Eiffel Towered” over the weekend and that neither guy will call you back.  However, I will look forward to watching that video on YouPorn in a week.  Grow some self-respect and you might keep yourself out of these situations.  P.S.  I can smell your twat through your pants.

I’m special so I can be late

Shoot me in the face!

And then there’s the people who are always out or late for one reason or another.  If I have to come to this shit hole every day what makes you feel like you are special and don’t have to?  There’s always some excuse though. Whether it be they had a flat tire, their child is sick, a rhino took a dump on their chest… you know, the usual shit.  If you’re going to call in at least make it memorable!  My call in would be something like this:

Me: I’m not going to make it in today, I’m sick.

Them: Well you don’t sound too sick, you sure you can’t come in?

Me: I’m balls deep into my cousin and sister right now.

Them: Oh man you’re sick!

Me: I told you I was sick, believe me next time.

I always try to come up with unique excuses myself.  No one wants to hear the fake cough while you’re calling out.  So just take a huge bong toke right as the phone is ringing for you to call out so the first thing that they hear is you coughing your lungs out when they pick up the phone… at least it will be genuine.

Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to get out of the vice of corporate America but until then I just have to put up with all the bullshit above to be able to pay my rent and subscribe to Bang Bros.

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