The official Hallmark holiday is coming up and it’s time for some real hatred. Valentine’s Day is complete bullshit and most people understand this. Here are 5 reasons why.

Roses

5.  Roses. When the hell do flowers cost more than cocaine? It seems that the florist market makes a killing this time of the year, and I can understand why. Flowers are really nice for about 2 to 3 days and then they wilt and die an agonizing death. Just like your relationship. This is compete and total bullshit. Especially when your girlfriend’s cat eats them as soon as you leave for that “special dinner.”

Candy

4.  Candy.  Love is giving someone else diabetes. Every candy company comes out with some take off their traditional candy and put a heart spin to it. The Reese’s heart, the Snickers’ heart, and of course… the Russell Stover’s heart. The Russell Stover’s heart pisses me off every year because they always have a bunch in there that are completely inedible. Then there are always heart shaped gummies, sour patch something the fuck or other, and various other diabetes causing crap.

Cards

3.  Cards. Saying I love you must be in card form and it has to be a card the size of a small child. With this Hallmark holiday, there are two forms- the serious card and the humorous card.  How the hell has no one made the serious card style but into a humorous card? I think those are hysterical to begin with. And while I’m on the subject… why no humorous sympathy cards?

“Sorry for your loss but let’s agree… he was an asshole.”

Restaurants

2.  Restaurants. You want to talk about the worst night to go out. Every place is packed and every place makes extra tables. Restaurants know they need to make every inch of space count, so they make additional tables that usually don’t exist. So you end up sitting on top of the couple next to you. Thanks to the additional tables the kitchen is really behind because everyone must have dinner at 7. Prices and specials are jacked up for extra profit. Be romantic and cook for her at home, you jackass.

Valentines

1. Valentines. This for me is #1 because no one gives valentines to the ugly kid in second grade… while the good looking guys get 15. This holiday tradition results in serial killers and mass murderers. I guarantee, every time some serial killer is captured with 15 murdered women attached to him, he never got a “Bee Mine” card when he was 8. You know, the one with that little bee hugging a heart. End this practice and you will end serial killers.

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