I hate urinals.

Exhibit A: Piss on Your Pants

They are unpleasant, unsanitary, and a breeding ground for awkward experiences.  All males have experienced the breaking of the famed two stall rule and can attest to how horrific it truly is.  But the true disgust towards urinals stems from something far worse than the two stall rule; it comes from one thing and one thing only: piss spray back.

All true men have had this experience at least once in their life.  After downing many fluid ounces of a tasty beverage you are left with an aching sensation in your peter, and have no recourse other than to drain your main vein.  Upon arrival to the lavatory, you are struck with the painful realization that you are going to have to piss in a urinal and it doesn’t have the proper slope.

Now you may be questioning, what is the proper slope?

To this I respond, the proper slope is any slope which does not get piss on my trousers.

Exhibit B: Clean Living

For those of you with a vagina, the slope of a urinal is the single greatest factor in determining whether or not men will get piss on themselves.  A general rule of thumb is that if the slope of the urinal is coming towards you, the more likely it is that you will get piss on your person.  Contrastingly, if the slope of the porcelain piss-pot is going away from your stream, the less likely it is that you will receive any spray back.  Now, how the slope is so important in determining the potential for piss spray back, I cannot answer.  It is something very technical that involves physics, planetary alignment, and the temperature of Atlantic Ocean.  But what is important, is that the slope is crucial.

Now with the understanding that slope is key, one would think that urinal designers would take whatever precautions necessary to ensure that their urinal design would limit piss spray back.  But it seems as if the opposite is true.  I would argue that urinal designers are trying to design urinals that might increase the potential for piss spray back.  As if they are some sort of masochistic freaks who enjoy the idea of men getting piss on themselves.   This is precisely why I hate urinals.  They are disgusting and created by freaks.

Now a few women out there, that have the mental capacity to read, may be drawing some sort of twisted satisfaction out of the pain men suffer at the urinal.  But to these women I would say one thing: At least we don’t sit down when we pee.

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