So it’s a new year and that means it’s time for a celebration bitches. I actually hate going out on New Years Eve and here are a few reasons why.

NYE Party Favors

5.  NYE Party Favors. All the silly shit. I can’t stand all the party favors that people bring out on NYE. It’s just stupid childish shit for drunk people to play with. Grown adults playing with kazoos and that crank turning thing that gets annoying after about 3 seconds. The most annoying thing, after the ball drops, 2 hours later drunk asses are still playing with this shit.

It’s 2 am, put the f’in kazoo down.

Absolute Midnight Destination

4.  Absolute Midnight Destination. WE HAVE TO BE HERE AT MIDNIGHT!!! Oh Jesus I can’t stand this shit- this desire to be at a specific place at midnight… and it never comes cheap. Bars and clubs charging ridiculous cover charges, and most places just being over packed with drunk morons.

All these hip places for the ball dropping filled with the entire cast of the Jersey Shore. “Hey, watch it Snookie!”

Driving

3.  Driving. Or, not being able to drive.  I hate NYE also because you really can’t drive anywhere for two reason. One, out of fear that drunk drivers are everywhere. Two, that drunk driving checkpoints are everywhere as well. You literally leave one checkpoint to just drive into another one. I actually know the sobriety test so well that I have started to critique my own performances.

“Alphabet backwards, you got it occifier!”

Champagne Toasts

2.  Champagne Toasts. IT’S NEVER CHAMPAGNE!! All these places like to sell that they are going to give you a champagne toast at the stroke of midnight, and guess what, Andre sparkling wine is not champagne people.

True champagne has a yeasty character with nice acidity and fine carbonation. Most of the time the “champagne” that I get usually taste like ginger ale.

Last one after the jump….

Midnight Kiss

1.  Midnight Kiss. When you have no one to kiss you contemplate suicide. Never a good way to start off the year when you see everyone around you kissing and all you’ve got is one of your drunk friends telling you how much he “loves you man.”  It’s actually the main reason I am currently in a relationship, just so I can avoid this dilemma at the start of the year. Now, after I kiss my lady, I secretly look around and find the loners out there and relish in my victory.

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