2009 VGA's = Bigger sham than the Grammy's

Man… Fuck Spike, Fuck the Video Game Awards, and Fuck all of the nerds that were there thinking they were superstars.

Does Sony own Spike? It sure seemed as if they did with the way all of the POS Playstation games won the awards. I sat through this thing ONLY to see the Halo Reach demo. I have never been in so much pain from uncomfortableness in my life. It was like all of these nerds up in one place thinking that video games are saving the world or that they mean something. Don’t get me wrong, I spend way to much time playing vidja games myself. But I am acutely aware of their importance in real life. They fall somewhere between viral videos and bing.com. They are fun and provide entertainment but if they did not exist the world would go on and people would be more productive.

Let me just take you through the goods and the bads of this thing so you don’t need to watch it. For a full rundown of all of the video game award winners check this out.

The Good Parts.

Only Pimps have a Purple Lightsaber

Video Game premiers. The best things on the whole show were the premiers of the new games. They of course showed the Halo Reach premiere which was pretty bad ass. The only thing even close to the Halo Reach premier was the Star Wars: Force Unleashed 2 premier. Very awesome. UFC Undisputed 2010, Rock Band: Green Day,  Batman Arkham Asylum 2, Prince of Persia, and a few other games were also premiered. They were pretty much the only thing that made this bearable.

Bad Ass Presenters. Some of the presenters were cool and funny. Jack Black won for best voice in Brutal Legends and he told the people that made Arkhum Asylum to taste his ass. Literally. The guys from this new Spike show, Blue Mountain State called Tim Tebow a pussy. Mike Tyson threatened to beat up the guidos from Jersey Shore.  Samuel ”Snakes on a Plane” Jackson was on there talking about the new Star Wars game and he was pretty funny as well.

Thats it. The premiers and a few presenters. Thats it for the good stuff. If you want to get off on how amazing COD Modern Warfare 2 is you will probably love this show.

The Awful parts.

Video Game Studio Winners. When the guys from Assassins Creed won they spoke half English/half French Canadian. Seriously? French Canadian? It was so painful because these two guys were like rubbing each others shoulders on stage like they were all coked out and assuring each other that everything would be alright. These guys were the best example on how serious some people take this. They seemed like since they won they kidnappers were going to give their kid back. They were all sweaty and nervous. No one knew when to clap or anything it was just like quiet and they were like being cut short because they went on forever.

A Snakeskin Suit?

Stevie Wonder was the presenter for best music game. Uhm… He’s fucking blind and last time I checked there were no braille video games so chances are he has never seen or used a video game. What is he doing there? As if we need further proof that he can’t see, he was wearing suit with snakeskin arms. Besides flailing around and messing up his lines he put out an passionate plea to video game studios to make handicap accessible games. How would… I’m not going to even do this. The jokes are too obvious.

All of the real stars feeling awkward. Snoop Dog was on this thing a lot and it was like he almost couldn’t believe he was there. He had to give the stupid presenter speech that wasn’t really funny and pretty awkward. It was the same for everyone. The video game nerds probably wrote these speeches. The type of stuff that’s only funny written down and then only to them.  It was like these stars were paid so much money to be here that they couldn’t not go. You could tell how miserable they were. The same thing goes for the hot ass models that were there. These nerds think that if they are even in the same zip code as these models they have a chance. As if the problem was that nerds can’t meet girls, not that they are socially retarded.

The weirdo emo bands. I don’t even know who they were or what they were singing/crying about. Its the same skinny jean wearing, jet black hair having, greasy, whiney bitches singing seemingly the same songs. The one dude was playing his guitar with a bow and it was just awful.

Brokeback Mountain is Prince of Persia

Jake Gyllenhaal playing the Prince of Persia. Could they have found a less masculine gay guy to play one of the biggest badasses in all of video games? Prince of Persia has been around since my 386 Compaq computer. He is like an icon, has terrifying evil weapons, kicks some serious ass, and to play this icon they find Brokeback Mountain? I would understand if they were making a live action Legend of Zelda and they needed an actor for Link, but the Prince of Persia? Come on.

Halo? Uhhh the whole reason ANYONE watched this garbage was so they could see the Halo Reach premier. It was what the entire show was based on. How do I know that? Because they did it last. If you wanted the good stuff you had to sit through TWO HOURS of garbage. They made you wait until the end of the entire show to see the Halo Reach premiere and it was in fact awesome. At the same time it was aggravating because it didn’t tell you anything about what the gameplay was going to be. It looks to be just another First Person Shooter, but who knows. It definitely looks awesome whatever it is.

Now since Halo is so bad ass that it is the last thing in the show, you would think that the Halo game that came out this year would be up for some major awards. At a minimum, I mean MINIMUM, it would get best Xbox 360 game. No, Halo 3: ODST got one award. Best Score. Really? A game about flowers won an award and possibly the best game all year gets “Best Score?” This is a bigger sham than the Grammy’s. Fuck Spike man.

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