On December 26th their electric bill drops $2,526 dollars... an hour.

Christmas is really the most wonderful time of the year… especially if you own a power company. Every year houses across the nation are covered in lights, reindeer, and candy canes that take about 100,000 watts an hour to illuminate. I’ve had it up to my mistletoe in these awful decorations and all the other crap that people have on their homes this time of year.

It used to be simple. Some lights on the house, a wreath on the door, and possibly some form of decoration on the mailbox. Now we have complete winter wonderlands taking up the entire lawn and the roof has enough lights on it that air traffic coming into Newark airport is getting dangerously close. What is this sick desire to tell everyone that “I give a shit about Christmas more than you do?”

Also, why the need to have the entire nativity scene in your front lawn… complete with all forms of animals and a baby Jesus lit up with a 100 watt light bulb? I’m trying to go to sleep and the light from Christ, which usually helps people out of their alcoholism, is doing nothing but keeping my ass awake.

Maybe I’m being a scrooge, but no one really needs the Rockefeller Christmas tree in their front lawn. No one needs the Island of Misfit Toys taking up the entire driveway. No one needs an electric bill that resembles the gross national product of Norway. This is supposed to be the time of giving and cherishing being around family and loved ones… not a a reenactment of Walt Disney World’s “It’s a small world” ride.

So, on Christmas morning as you sit around the fake fireplace on Channel 9 unwrapping your new Snuggie and Slap Chop your grandmother gave you, hopefully the twinkle in your eye is because of the moment… and not the glare coming off the huge inflated snow globe across the street that contains the entire storyline of Emit Otter’s Jugband Christmas.

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