Keepin it real

One of my favorite websites, RottenTomatoes.com, has decided to compile a bottom 100 movies of the past 10 years. The worst of the worst.  Below are some real clunkers that must be mentioned.

At #93 was A Sound of Thunder. If you haven’t seen this movie and have an appreciation for bad movies, this one is a must see.  Basically, time travel is possible and the number one activity created by it’s invention is to travel to the Jurassic age and hunt dinosaurs.  It is complete garbage on all levels of entertainment.  The acting is atrocious, the script seems like it was thrown together on post-it notes and the special effects budget must have been about $250 bucks. Check out the trailer above, it’s edited to a point that you can’t see sh*t.

Yup, token midget. I smell a pile of sh*t!

At #77 is Date Movie.  I saw this piece of cinematic HERPES because I had about two hours to kill before heading back to work. Date Movie is a film that is also grouped together with the other horrific spoof flicks that seem to come out every 4 weeks and make $20 million at the box office.  I do not understand why these movies make a cent.  They are not funny at all.  Not one single laugh to be had.  They all seem to have midgets show up and think that if they have a midget dressed as Rambo or Superman the audience will piss themselves in laughter.  I decided to piss on the seat in front of me in an attempt of being thrown out of the theatre; unfortunately the audience had already walked out… so no one was there to complain about me to management.

At #66 is the horror remake The Fog.  The funny thing about this pile of sh*t is that it is a bad movie remake of a bad movie. The remake has to easily be the worst horror movie remake of them all.  If you have not seen this one… you must. It is the definition of not an ounce of talent involved in the entire production.  The acting is terrible, the special effects are basically a fog machine that was used at a few too many teen dances, and the story is complete junk.  This movie was so funny I’m beginning to believe that it was remade as a comedy and producers forgot to tell the marketing people.  Notice how you again can’t see d*ck in the trailer above.

"My acting career sure ain't stayin' alive..."

At #27, my personal choice for worst movie ever made, is Battlefield Earth. OH MY GOD! John Travolta does for science fiction what Sara Palin does for rational thought. The story takes place in the year 3000, an alien race controls earth and human beings have suffered from devolution.  Human beings are back to ape like qualities, speaking in barks and wearing rags for clothing.  The original story is from the guy who invented Scientology. Someone in Hollywood decided to give that above idea 73 million dollars??  John Travolta had horrific fake dreadlocks and might have given the worst performance since his own in the Saturday Night fever sequel Stayin’ Alive.  Every shot of the movie has a somewhat tilt for no reason whatsoever.  There is a scene where one of the humans happens to fall onto a knowledge machine and is able to fly a Air Force fighter jet and teach the other humans to fly and then take on the aliens in an aerial dogfight to the finish. Again, utter piss.

Finally, at #1 on the List is Ballistic Ecks Vs Sever, starring Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu.  Battlefield Earth is my personal number one but this one is very much up there as well.  First off, who the hell said let’s make Lucy Liu an action star?  Also, you have to love the first time we meet Banderas, who is sitting at a bar with a personal bottle of whisky because we all know bartenders let you pour your own? The story has something to do with Liu and Banderas being enemies for one reason or another, tying to kill each other for the first half of the movie and then joining forces to face a common enemy the second half of the movie.  The entire movie is one non stop action scene after another that makes little sense and reminds me of the Chicken vs Peter fights on Family Guy.

Now that I’ve wasted three minutes of your precious lives babbling about what movies I think suck I want to know what is your personal favorite sh*tty movie? Do you have a movie that makes you want to wipe your ass with the directors face? Is there a movie that you find to suck so bad that you’d like to burn the movie studio to the ground? Let’s here it! We want to know because everyone loves to hate on pure cinema garbage.

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