If it’s Halloween it must be Saw.  The Saw Movies. This sh*t must end.  It must end now.  It must end this year.  Next Halloween I want to be different.  I don’t want another 90 minutes of torture porn with a 2-minute explanation sequence of the twist ending.  There are a few things we must all agree on.

The movies SUCK

5. The Movies SUCK. We must finally understand that the first Saw was really not that good to begin with.  If you haven’t seen it, the killer Jigsaw is the guy on the floor at the beginning. There I spoiled it for you and I have thus saved you 90 minutes of your precious life.

These movies really do just keep getting worse and worse and stupid people keep going to see them.

Gore

4. Gore. Gore is not scary.  It’s just gross and not needed.  Why the need for this genre of torture porn.  I do not understand this need and desire for watching people scream and be murdered for 90 minutes.  It’s almost like the screenwriters sit in a room all day and think of ways of killing people.  Nastier the better, gorier the better, and this of course makes for a better movie… I guess?
 
 

DEAD Killer

3.  The Killer Died In Saw 3. THE KILLER IS FU*KING DEAD!!!  He had cancer and died, then in the 4^th and 5^th movies, other people took over his work.  His work by the way, if you think about it, is impossible.  Even if someone really could pull off all this torture and planning while suffering from full blown cancer, no one could know, for certain, where people are going to be after they have died.  It’s impossible.

Advertising

2.   The Advertising. The entire advertising campaign of these movies is awful.  The posters and the taglines are clearly the work of 12 year olds. The tagline to the 5^th movie was “You will not believe how it ends”  I saw it and guess what, it didn’t end.  The 6^th part has a tagline stating “This time, the game comes full circle” If part 6 is a success, and knowing how this horrific country threw 400 million at Transformers 2 I’m sure it will, there will be a 7^th movie.  What if it is a prequel?  Would the tagline be….

“See what happened before you saw Saw!”

Everyone Dies

1. Everyone Dies. How the hell can you find something entertaining when everyone in a movie will die including the killer?  I guarantee the next movie will kill off the first 5 people involved and the 6^th person will remain around long enough to figure out whatever the silly twist ending is, and then right at that moment meet some grisly demise.

The credits roll, house lights cue up and another $11.50 stolen from me.

Well not this time.

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