“Have you ever seen vampires f*ck?”

I asked this question to a friend the other night while we were drinking at a bar.  This is the kind of banter you can expect in my friend circle after a couple of drinks.  Just replace “vampires” with anything else out of the ordinary, and voila: our typical conversation

But on this particular night, I was shattered when I realized the harsh reality.  These days, everybody has seen vampires f*ck.

Everybody…but me.

It's all the rage

You see, over the last few years, vampire f*cking has become a staple of the entertainment industry.  If you’ve been to the movies, watched cable TV, or walked around your local Hot Topic in recent months, the trend is apparent.  People – and more specifically, teenage girls – love watching vampires get it on.

It’s a modern phenomenon, really.  Vampires are f*cking all over the place.  Twilight, Underworld, True Blood…there’s hot vampire action at every turn.  At this rate, vampires will be given the right to marry before homosexuals.

So clearly, a large percentage of the population has, in fact, seen vampires f*cking.  Normally I’d be thrilled at such a thing.  But really, all I feel is jealously.

I would absolutely love to watch me some vampire porn.  I really would.  Being the one who asked the question in the first place, my mind is obviously open to the concept.

But in order to watch vampires f*ck, I would have to sit through these piece of crap shows and movies.  I am a thrill-seeker, yes.  But I just can’t waste my time with these shows, and their vampire drama.

I don’t care about vampire emotions.  I don’t care about Robert Pattinson, with his vampire abs.  I don’t care about all these stupid-ass vampire love stories with their ridiculousness and their undeserved popularity.  I just want to see vampires screw.  All that other stuff is for the birds.

So, no – I have never seen vampires having sex.  But considering my options right now, I’d rather have my blood sucked.

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