Since the 2008 Olympics, there are two basic lessons the world has learned:

1). Smoking weed makes you more buoyant; and

2). Usain Bolt is fast.

The Jamaican superstar, who outran the other Olympians in a villainous fashion, has made his mark as the fastest man in the world.  He’s so quick that at age 23, he’s already 30 years old.  That’s how fast he is.

"Bitch, please!"

It’s only right that Bolt has been rewarded for his gift.  In 2008, Bolt took home three gold medals for each Olympic event he attempted.  He broke world records in two of those events, one of which he already had the world record in.  This means that at age 23, he had set the record for being the fastest person alive, and had already broken that record.  Theoretically, this makes Usain Bolt the fastest and second fastest person alive.

That’s how fast he is.

Now, one year after his earth-shattering debut at the Olympics, Bolt has made headlines once again.  At the 2009 Berlin World Championships, Bolt took home three gold medals yet again.  Simply winning, though, is not good enough for this man.  In the 100 m, Usain Bolt once again beat his world record that had already once beaten his previous world record.

Confused?  So is the rest of the world.

1st.. 2nd.. and 3rd

“I’m really dedicated to being a champion,” said Bolt, after winning at the Berlin World Championship and becoming the first, second, and third fastest people alive.  “I want to be a legend.”

Well, Mr. Bolt, consider yourself there.  Not only are you the fastest man alive; your only real competition is previous incarnations of yourself.  You have rewritten the rules on both competitive sports and the laws of nature.  For that, I award you legend status.

Now, go back to Jamaica, and let somebody else win a freakin’ race.  Mon.

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