Be American, Drive to work.

In these hard financial times, we could all use somebody to blame.

Some blame the government.  Some blame the terrorists.  I’ve actually had a friend blame me specifically for the current economic crisis.

He and I are no longer speaking.

But you see, the real cause of this recession is not about color.  It’s not about creed.  It’s not even about the band Creed.

Nay, blame it on the pedestrians.

Yes, pedestrians.  The whole, stinkin’ lot of them.

Nothing but a bunch of hooligans, those streetwalkers.  Where are they all walking to?  I’m not sure I want to know, really.

Hooligans.

While we real Americans have been driving our cars to, fro, and every which way, suffering through $3 gas and doing our part to support the economy, pedestrians have been flooding the streets and slowing down precious traffic, and not spending a single penny along the way.

Bunch of hooligans, I tell ya.

With over 2.5 percent of Americans currently walking to work, pedestrianism has become a sizable problem in need of attention.  Our streets are cramped and crowded.  Worse yet, our automakers are going bankrupt.  With this alarming trend showing no signs of slowing, there may be only one way to squeeze some American pride out of this sneakered, good-for-nothing mob.

Tax them.  Tax the walkers, I say.

Perhaps eight cents for every two blocks one may walk.  Perhaps more.  This is a very fair thing to ask, and long overdue at that.  If they’re not going to pay for gas, oil changes, car insurance or highway tolls, pedestrians should at least pay a tax on their legs.  It’s only fair.

Together, we can fix this economy.  You can’t walk away from your problems.  It’s far easier to drive away from them.

Popularity: 1% [?]