I’m calling you out, Tommy Oliver.

Yes, Tommy.  I’m talking to you.  The Green Ranger.

Or was it the White Ranger?  Red Zeo Ranger?  Black Dino Ranger?  I’m sorry; you’ve changed your outfit so many times that I’ve forgotten which color you are.  But I do know one color that you have always been, and will always be.

Yella’.

From day one, you were such a bitch.  The Rangers were doing just fine before you came along.  And then you arrived, flute in hand, with your flowing locks and huge, unbeatable Dragonzord.  I knew, as sure as the other Rangers did, that you were going to Bogart the entire operation.

You did so, and swimmingly at that.

The Power Rangers

You were the hot new face at Angel Grove High.  The rebel.  And you made the collective student body, along with the viewers at home, yearn for your Dragon Dagger in a heartbeat.

I no longer saw any Red Ranger costumes that Halloween, nor did I see any Black Rangers.  I didn’t see any Blue Rangers either, but let’s face it.  Who wanted to be the Blue Ranger?

But what I did see were lots of Green Rangers.  And White Rangers, once Tommy upgraded in the show (duh).  Thousands upon billions of children were swept up in the Tommy Tsunami.  Tommy Oliver had officially tainted the Power Rangers with his perfection.  With Tommy around, the other Rangers became merely side characters.  It was no longer about teamwork.  It had become a competition.

Screw you, Tommy.  I used to get absolutely amped for Morphing Time.  But once you came along, I forgot what it truly meant to be a Power Ranger.  You ruined everything.

I know you didn’t crave justice like the other Rangers did.  You could give two sh*ts if Rita Repulsa took over the world.  It was just a paycheck for you, and your gay flute.

The Power Rangers no more

And the paychecks haven’t stopped.  After joining the Power Rangers, you remained on board for seven seasons.  You’ve been in 243 episodes.  How many Putty Patrol soldiers is that?  You must’ve killed at least an army’s worth of Putty Patrol in your time.

Admittedly, that’s impressive.

But this isn’t the Tommy Rangers we’re talking about.  I didn’t watch Power Rangers to learn how to become a spotlight-stealing golden boy.  I didn’t idolize douche bags.  I watched for the teamwork, and the positive moral support.  I watched for the fellowship.

I also watched for Kimberly, because she was far too attractive to be on a kids’ show, and it felt naughty watching her do martial arts.  But I mostly watched for the teamwork.

The White Ranger, keeping the man down

And Tommy, you just wouldn’t have that.  You sucked the values right out of Power Rangers, and my young mind could not handle it.  I blame you for my temper, my drug habits, and every bad grade I’ve ever gotten in school.  And I’m calling you out.

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