This is actually a guy.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to be fat. A big ass is all the rage these days. I’m just saying, don’t lie about your figure. It’s right up there with those rubber bra-boosters and that weird bee-sting lip-gloss. It’s one thing to take a picture of yourself at a flattering angle, and another altogether to bleach out the photo until the only recognizable body part is a pair of eyes and some cleavage. Besides– bleach photos don’t make you look like angels, ladies… it just makes you look like that alien from Cocoon.

Update your pics! Listen, I had a six-pack and a discernible jaw line…. three years ago. Things change. I didn’t turn into James Spader but sh*t! At least I’m being honest. If your profile photo on Myspace is from before you started smoking and had a bunch of babies…you probably look a little different now.

My most recent pic

Guys… a few tips. If a girl only takes pictures of herself with her ugly friends, then she’s aware of the Theory of BootyRelativity. Adjust your monitor accordingly. If she’s in the back of a photo when a bunch of hot chicks are in front… she’s skillfully using their bodies to create hotness-by-proximity. This is a sneaky tactic. Be advised.

Giant sunglasses can be used to conceal lazy eyes, and dark colors are naturally slimming. If you can’t find the lines in her outfit, then it probably means she’s a circle… because circles go on forever. It’s a circle. Circle means fat.

Back to the ladies. As I see it, the only sure-fire way to be honest about your body, is to get buck-ass naked and snap away. I promise, I won’t think you’re a whore. I encourage and appreciate your honesty. You go girl. Empower yourself by living a life of truthiness and integrity. If you want to pose on some kind of backless couch, that’s cool too. I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way.

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