"You, You, and You. No, Not You, You."

Want to be around hot women all day, but the tanning salon won’t hire you because you have a felony aggravated assault on your record? Maybe you could be an MMA fighter, but you don’t like the idea of having fair ground with your opponents. That’s okay… just become a bouncer.

Heralded as one of the coolest no-brainer gigs available, bouncing can get you to places where your stint in juvie doesn’t matter. The better gigs let you dress up like secret service agents but really, a black shirt that says ‘security’ on the back will get you laid just as fast.

Maybe you’re not really a fighter. That’s okay. Nobody’s going to f*ck with you if you’re wielding a Maglite and a frown. You’ll occasionally have to deal with hipster kids trying to give you an ID that looks like Charles Manson fucked a bear and had kids, or guidos that rub Preparation H all over their arms to make their muscles stick out more. Seriously… they do this. Well, some might use the Walgreens brand, but nevertheless—every job will have a few items on the bad list.

There will come a day when a fat guy is beating on some skater, and you break up the fight by pulling his shirt off and grossing everybody out with his big man titties. Instant game over.

Most bouncing jobs start out as the door guy—checking ID’s and making sure the line stays long. Eventually, with a firm hand on the upward ladder, you can make your way to the bullpen—fielding takedowns in the crowd and hauling out the creepy old guys that try to sketch a group of girls with pastels.

Patrons will be thankful when you, in the middle of your break, take a shot to the face with a pool cue and proceed to beat the everloving crap out of everyone. You even get to toss that crazy chick that tried to stab someone with her heel. Here’s a hint—earrings are the equivalent of gloves. When they come off, shit is going down.

So fill out an application at your local cowboy-themed dance club today. You’re on your way, superstar!

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