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I hate urinals.
Exhibit A: Piss on Your Pants
They are unpleasant, unsanitary, and a breeding ground for awkward experiences. All males have experienced the breaking of the famed two stall rule and can attest to how horrific it truly is. But the true disgust towards urinals stems from something far worse than the two stall rule; it comes from one thing and one thing only: piss spray back.
All true men have had this experience at least once in their life. After downing many fluid ounces of a tasty beverage you are left with an aching sensation in your peter, and have no recourse other than to drain your main vein. Upon arrival to the lavatory, you are struck with the painful realization that you are going to have to piss in a urinal and it doesn’t have the proper slope.
Now you may be questioning, what is the proper slope?
To this I respond, the proper slope is any slope which does not get piss on my trousers.
Exhibit B: Clean Living
For those of you with a vagina, the slope of a urinal is the single greatest factor in determining whether or not men will get piss on themselves. A general rule of thumb is that if the slope of the urinal is coming towards you, the more likely it is that you will get piss on your person. Contrastingly, if the slope of the porcelain piss-pot is going away from your stream, the less likely it is that you will receive any spray back. Now, how the slope is so important in determining the potential for piss spray back, I cannot answer. It is something very technical that involves physics, planetary alignment, and the temperature of Atlantic Ocean. But what is important, is that the slope is crucial.
Now with the understanding that slope is key, one would think that urinal designers would take whatever precautions necessary to ensure that their urinal design would limit piss spray back. But it seems as if the opposite is true. I would argue that urinal designers are trying to design urinals that might increase the potential for piss spray back. As if they are some sort of masochistic freaks who enjoy the idea of men getting piss on themselves. This is precisely why I hate urinals. They are disgusting and created by freaks.
Now a few women out there, that have the mental capacity to read, may be drawing some sort of twisted satisfaction out of the pain men suffer at the urinal. But to these women I would say one thing: At least we don’t sit down when we pee.
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"You'd be grumpy too if you were surrounded by six idiots and a gold-digging b*tch all day!"
In an Australian psychology study, it was determined that being in a bad mood is actually good for you. It was proven that people who were considerably miserable were better thinkers. This is wonderful news for someone like myself that has been told by others that I need to smile more. The report also showed that grumpy people are less likely to be gullible and better at decision making. I have never found myself to be a miserable person, but I can be quite grumpy. But I have always had a knack for ordering quickly at a restaurant and not being one to follow the herd on any particular idea.
Happy people… how are you doing out there? How are you with your slow decisions and wasteful thinking? Just like I thought. See, it pays to be grumpy. Even Grumpy from the seven dwarfs knows what I’m talking about. The other dwarfs were all about getting a nice white girl in the place and working with them. Grumpy always knew that bitch was up to no good.
You ever notice how happy people always want to spread their disease on you as well? God that’s annoying. They say, why aren’t you smiling? I didn’t know that was required of a human being… to smile non stop. I think people who are consistently happy are in the largest case of denial on the planet. They say life is too short to be miserable, I say it’s too long to be happy all the time.
It is impossible to consistently be in a good mood. And seriously, how the F can you be happy when the entire world is going to shit. There is constant war in the Middle East, the health care reform will never work, the upper one percent will always have their boot on our collective throat, and you expect me to be F’in smiling on Monday morning after the Giants had their asses handed to them. F U!
(For the record, huge smile on my face as I wrote this, A$$holes!)
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John Stewart’s Hole Puppet (Comedy)
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Yes, ladies and gents... THIS is how you shoot up properly!
I have few simple pleasures in life: a little baseball, a cool breeze, and a hot dose. Yes, folks, I do enjoy a little heroin here and there. It really is the bees knees. If you haven’t tried it yet, you do not know what you’re missing out on. It’s one of the rare drugs that gives you an amazing high and doesn’t shut down your motor skills.
Heroin is actually more like a superfuel and makes the body work better. Take all you know about heroin, which for me is from Trainspotting and Requiem for a Dream, and throw it out the window. Also, if you are a first timer to the wonderful world of shared needles and filthy veins, then let me tell you that we all have some help now… thanks to the New York State Department of Public Health.
The NYSDPH, I don’t know if that is how they shorten their name, but damn it that’s what I’m using, released a pamphlet of 10 tips to doing heroin safer back in 2007, and it’s just now finally being talked about on the news.
In case you are wondering… this pamphlet was approved while Elliot Spitzer was in office. Man that guy knew how to party. You would actually think that a safer heroin pamphlet would only be approved by a blind man (current NY Gov. Paterson). I love this pamphlet so much, it really gets down to the nitty gritty and doesn’t sugar coat anything. For example, tip number 1 is- “Don’t Overdose” and I couldn’t agree more. Overdosing sucks and I don’t recommend it to anyone.
The other ten tips are really helpful as well. Don’t share your needles, as much as sharing is caring, sharing AIDS is not caring at all. You should take care of your veins, and I’ve always said you take care of your veins and your veins will take care of you (wink wink). You should get tested and see your doctor about hepatitis and your HIV status, cause we all know heroin users all have full health care coverage.
I have to disagree with tip number 9, which asks to get treatment for depression. If you are doing heroin how does that equal depression? It’s clearly the other way around bucko! My favorite tip is tip number 10, which says to ask for help to stop using. See, the most pointless part of heroin, the whole stoppage of use part, is saved for last.
What I want to know is how come there is no part on the pamphlet about purchasing? There is no tip about finding a reputable dealer nor are there tips on making sure they are not an undercover police officer.
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It's called RedTube and YouPorn. Not Girls Gone Wild.
After 1AM, on certain cable stations, namely Comedy Central, it seems that all programming is brought to us by one advertiser- Girls Gone Wild. I remember the Girls Gone Wild tapes as a young man because as Ron White knowingly said, “Once you’ve seen one woman naked, you want to see the rest of them naked.”
Now, please do not read into this blog deeper than need be. I am not hatin’ on boobs, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with tits, but I do think that Girls Gone Wild needs to go away.
First off, why the hell is the ad 5 minutes long? I know they want to “flash” their dvds to us as many times as possible, but seriously, it’s girls flashing their tits. Why is this ad so long? I just want South Park to come back on. It’s not like the ad show us everything anything! Everything is blurred and everything is a tease… to make us want to purchase the dvd!
Which brings me to my last point- who the hell still watches this shit? With the infinite amount of internet porn out there, which if you know where to look and go… is completely free, who the hell is still plunkin down $19.99 for drunk girls flashing their barely there boobs?
You know, the real move here is to just find out what bar they are going to film at, GO, and see all the boobs you want for free.
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