Popularity: 3% [?]
If there is one thing I’ve learned about the game of baseball it is that women have no right being on the field. I don’t care if this used to be your playground. Please, get the hell back to your dolls and your dainty tea parties.
If you need more proof of this, anytime girls get to throw the first pitch at baseball games, it always turns into a complete joke. I love how you hear the crowd in the video laughing at her. Hell, Shawn Johnson is a gold medalist and this is the best even she can do. Then I read about Eri Yoshida, the 18-year-old Japanese sidearm knuckleballer, who recently made her US debut.
Now, this is impressive on many levels.
First, unlike the other Japanese pitchers who have come into the league, there is no doubt that this player is a girl. Second, she is a freaking sidearm knuckleballer, which equals being impossible to hit and even harder to hit on successfully. In Japan she is known as the “knuckle princess” which is funny because I thought that honor went to a famous Japanese porn star in the fisting genre.
I really hope this little girl makes it to the pros, signs a huge contract with the Red Sox and has her televised debut against the Yankees. She takes the mound in a relief situation, has runners at the corners and A-Rod is up. She gets an 0-2 count and when she lofts another delicious hanging knuckler over the plate, A-Rod tattoos that son of a bitch right over the green monster.
Good luck Princess!
Popularity: 3% [?]
I hate it when I’m pulled over and have to pretend that I’m as sober as an Amish kid on Sunday. I know my alphabet backwards more than forwards and I have practiced walking a straight line so much that you would think I’m training to be a tightrope walker.
What can I say? I like to party. Well enough people with Mafia ties like to party in New Jersey that now the cops are going to need an interpreter just to pull people over if suspected of driving under the influence.
A new New Jersey law states that if an officer is going to arrest you for drunk driving they must read you your rights in the language that you understand and speak. This is a great idea mainly because… if I’m going to be pulled over I’m just going to pretend that I don’t speak English. That way when I get to court the case is thrown out because my rights were read in Polish.
There are over 150 languages spoken by New Jersey drivers but yet everyone understands the middle finger. I think that we need our officers to be effective communicators while tasing a drunken Mexican. We don’t want those fuckers on the highways anyhow.
So let’s start handing those Rosetta Stones out to the troopers and everyone else start learning new ways to get out of those DWI’s. It’s not like those worthless pigs are doing any good in Newark, Jersey City, or Union City anyhow…
Popularity: 4% [?]
Being a kid in the city must be hard. First, you have to be fluent in three different languages to get through grade school and bullet prices are not coming down anytime soon.
Now, if you want to cool off in the summer you have to swim in a dumpster. That’s right, the city of New York has decided to make dumpsters into swimming pools across Park Avenue. Just think, now you can do a few laps in the same dumpster that was the final resting place of a few good hookers.
I wonder who came up with this crappy idea? My guess is the dumpsters needed to be thrown away… but just like when you try to throw away a trash can, the garbage men ignore it.
Seriously, you ever try to throw away a garbage can? It’s impossible. Dear Trashman- why else would I leave an empty trash can in front of my house that smells worse than Lindsay Lohan… in the daytime?
This is easily the first time ever that pissing in the pool would be considered proper behavior. I’m curious if the pools will be frozen over in the winter so that way dwarfs and midgets can finally get their hockey league off the ground.
One thing is for certain, if they are looking for a new dumpster to turn into a pool… may I recommend a nice ballpark that no one cares about in Flushing, Queens.
Popularity: 4% [?]
Target sure has its bull’s eye set on one group of people. Those pesky gays. Target recently donated 150,000 dollars to MN Forward, a pro-business group that also happens to support anti-gay Minnesota gubernatorial candidate Tom Emmer.
Now the retail giant has picket lines full of angry queens. It’s bad enough I hate going to Target on a normal Saturday afternoon, now I have to fight through the cast of Glee just to get my stupid red cart.
Target has already lost a decent amount of money because of the donation and gay rights groups would like to see them suffer more. I personally hope this makes Target make smarter choices in the future… like donating money to gay rights as well as finally making their stores easier to shop in. Why the hell does it take so long to find a sales associate who also does not know where anything is in the store? Good luck finding one that even speaks English.
While I am at it… please get rid of those stupid red balls at the entrance. No one is going to drive a truck bomb into a Target. If anyone were to bomb a retail giant it would have to be Wal-Mart. Speaking of which… Wal-Mart has to be pleased by this Target backlash and now has more gay friends than a Vermont fitness trainer.
I say, “Fuck Target” and all those asswads that call it Tarjay. Hopefully, by the end of this bullshit… Target will be renaming their store to “TarGay’ just to stay relevant in the business world.
Popularity: 5% [?]
In case you haven’t heard about it- the beginnings of Facebook are coming to a theater near you. The film, entitled The Social Network, arrives on October 1st and I hope it’s a huge giant massive-ass flop.
Remember kids… if this shit makes money then we get the Myspace and Twitter movies to complete the trilogy. Which I’m sure they’ll cast the talented stars from the Twilight films in them… who can’t even memorize more than 160 characters per scene.
What the hell could the plot of this stupid film even be about? The guy who invented Facebook stole the idea from someone else and that guy defriends him? I wonder how long the main character will be able to leave his relationship status as single until his girlfriend makes him change it to “In a Relationship.”
I wonder if there will be a tagged photo of one of the main characters but they are not even in it. The rest of the film is one man’s desperate search though all of his friends’ pictures to see if they were tagged in anything else to ensure that everyone from high school never learns what a fatass he has become? Or maybe it’ll be about stupid Facebooking tweens catching their crushes “stalking” their pages with the help of their ultra cool Facebook tracker! Or maybe they’ll even stumble upon a photo of their mother making out with their Uncle Steve at a drunken party.
Does any of this sound exciting? FUCK NO. I wonder if while the movie is running you can see the notifications in the upper left corner go off and the chat run on the bottom of the screen. I will not see this shitbag movie and I don’t care that David Fincher is the director. His last movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, was such a complete bore it’s no wonder that his following movie is about fucking Facebook.
Mark Zuckerberg has already made enough money off of selling your personal information to outside sources… don’t make the little bitch even richer. DO NOT SEE THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MOVIE!!
Popularity: 5% [?]